::Do Better NOW:things thought of while the creators were undisputedly floating on something::

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i used to...

wow. so it's been a while, and i really appreciate those of you that asked about the blog and said that you missed reading my wiiild, random rantings... :)

i've been pretty quiet in more ways than one lately, and as i've said before, i think it all really ties into the journey and process that actually equals life in general....it'll never end. i think it is meant for us to keep learning and growing, sometimes w growing pains, every day of our lives.

for those of you that have been reading this blog since the beginning, i would think you can see some difference from the HYPER, pretty non-stop Carlin that was in charge around late spring of 09. no worries...that wasn't a bad thing, that's just where i was and what i was going through, back then. i think a good way to describe things is that i was rebooting back then, imo. as some of ya'll know, or will eventually learn, 2009 was a year of PROFOUND changes, lessons, hardships, victories, disappointments, EveryTHinG, for me. it was an amazing year of good and bad but totally the most dynamic, unique, and influential year of my LIFE. so yeah, when this blog started, i had a lotttttt to get out.

i still have a lot to say, it just comes out different now.

i don't know how often i'll be posting, it'll just happen, but i am glad that i got a little inspiration to write, because i did miss it.

so. the overall reason behind this post is how i reconnected with an oldddd song yesterday. i caught part of sister act II on tv two nights ago, and of course i just sat there in awe of LAURYN HILL in all of her parts of the movie. that and some twitter postings made me nostalgic and i played her album yesterday and this morning while getting ready for school.

and then....oMg. so number uhhh 8 i think, "I used to"...it hit me.

i've been listening to and reciting that album since it came out...when i was about 12 maybe, give or take. but yesterday, that song hit more than a chord with me...it WaS me.

i could go on and on about this, and i may come back and do that, but for now, imma keep it relatively simple.

part of my troubles and trials and learning last year (slash the last four plus years, including the beginning of this one), involved my first love/boyfriend, and getting over that failed relationship. i could notttt let go. and im still not all the way over it. but im getting there...and that's a good thing.

as i was listening to that song tho, i literally felt a feeling of hope i hadnt had...ever. like i KNEW that other ppl had had their hearts broken and had to move on from someone that they didn't want to let go...but the words that Lauryn and Mary J were singing, it just felt like they were reading my story. and like i said, i knew this song inside and out years ago...but not until yesterday did i feel it.

i had given all of myself to someone that one, didn't want all of me, and wasn't ready for what iii thought i needed. in the midst of giving my all to someone that didnt even want it, i neglected people that truly love me, and worst of all, put him ahead of God. that was my fault. we both made mistakes but i take responsibilty for how i put him on a pedestal. that was my fault.

but the reason i talk about this and other experiences in my life is because i know i am not the only one going through or that ever will go through it. and telling my pitfalls and successes will only help someone else in their path, just like lauryn and mary j bearing their pain and broken hearts helped this random girl in 2010...years after they made the song.

like i said, i could go onnnn, and onnnn, but the lyrics are below, and here are a few in particular that woke my heart up.

"I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend
See, torn and confused, wasted and used

Thought what I wanted was somethin' I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded

Father, you saved me and you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets and deeper than any ocean"



::this isnt about him or what he did or why he didnt make us work...it's about me tapping into the fact that there is life after what admittedly felt like something of a death. felt like i couldnt love again......lol, lol not cause i'm so beyond it, but because when you finally see past those clouds, the wide expanse that is ahead will blow you away.



Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't, now I don't

As I look at what I've done, the type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the Father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses and blurred my sight

And I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend
See, torn and confused, wasted and used
Reached the crossroad, which path would I choose?

Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For somethin' to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was somethin' I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded
Misled, I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him, but now I don't
I used to love him, yeah yeah yeah, but now I don't

Father, you saved me and you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets and deeper than any ocean
See, my soul was weary, but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is guilty, I took back my soul
And totally let my Creator control
The life which was his
The life which was his, to begin with

Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't
Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't

Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't
Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't, now I don't

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him, yeah yeah yeah, but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

owww, back.at.it

"but i remember learning that when butterflies come out of that coccoon (sp?), their wings still have to dry and harden, before they can support flight."


funny when you go back and read old stuff.

it's been a whiiile. mostly because i don't have a lot to say. haha. for once in my life right.

im not on a mariah carey type butterfly obsession...but that quote from an old post, really stood out to me tonight.

when i started this blog, i had a lot to say. looking back, it;s all starting to make more sense. in a way, that was the beginning of my literal self discovery. obviously my whole life has played up to the moments we are currently in...but i had so much to say because i was seeing things in a totally new, clearer light.

and then, it got quiet.

it was really nice of many of yal to say you missed reading new stuff from me. but i just didnt have anything to share. not that life wasnt happening...just reached a new place.

cant name that "place" right now, but i think it has a lot to do with molding me.

i can feel myself becoming myself. i think it was kinda off the cuff when i mentione a butterfly's wings drying, but looking back, i feel like that is somewhat the stage that i am in.

i havent and cant do much flying right now...because im still preparing for the flights. i tried to jump the gun on a lot of things in my life...and now i am seeing the beauty of being grounded. grounded like you cant take off, or it seems like you cant take off.

for a while now, ive felt immobile, confused, stuck. and i couldnt put my finger on it or give it a specific reason...........................................

i also havent looked at the blog in like months. so reading over it tonight was eye opening. in a way when i wrote that butterfly quote months ago, i still was in the old carlin mindset a bit, that ok, let's go, the time is NOW because I said so.

lol.

a little of that uptightness right.

as i breathe in and breathe out...i remember that it's not in my time. i didnt plan any of these lessons. i definitely didnt foresee them. and thankfully, i can't even imagine the beauty and bounty of the future.

but i know it's coming. i know that when i am suppose to truly take flight, i will.

i'll be 25 in less than a month. my 24th year of life has been alllllllllllll that and then some. i've learned more than i ever thot even existed :)

but a change is coming. im not deeming any of my experiences bad...but its time for a change.

pretty wings. brand new wings. young wings. more experienced wings. stronger wings.

yuuuup.







sincerely,

carlin



p.s. that was half a shoutout to jip's prince of va. only half tho. ;)

no brakes

...since march of this year ive had this recurring dream...i wont call it a nightmare cause i dont wake up afraid...but during the dream im a little scared.

basically im driving in the pitch dark and the car has no brakes. im trying to steer and slow down but nothing i do helps...

itl vary every time...but i think God keeps telling me i gotta let go...in a situation like that, only He can drive.


it's a simple saying, "let go and let God". it's just way easier said than done.

loving myself like i'm someone else

title's kinda confusing huh.

this is what i mean. today was interesting...first i was exhausted after habitat the last few days and doing real manual labor...lol. but then i also had a lot of emotions going on to deal with...which is usually the case with me :)

i wasnt really searching for a conclusion to why i was feeling how i was, but when i finally got up and out, this dawned on me.

i spend a lot of time thinkng about, wanting, looking forward to solidifying something with the "right guy". with the guy that's gonna love me forever, for better or worse etc etc etc.

and then it dawned on me. ive been telling a lot of guys that im not looking to date etc because im getting to knw me, ie kinda finding myself, tying into that train of thot that you're not ready to love someone else till you sufficiently love yourself.

and as i was driving today, listening to maxwell still :), i realized that i treat a lot of people waaaaay better than i treat myself. i am quick to accomodate others. i wanna reduce the stress of others, try and make their lives easier. it ties into how i've said before i would do anything for my ex...and in the midst of all that pleasing...i never fully learned to love and please myself.

that's my opinion. i realized i want a man to love me unconditionally, and for better OR WORSE. but i havent been loving myself under those circumstances. i am my biggest critic, but im like one of these evil critics on tmz or something, always finding something wrong with myself, or wrong with how i look, or talk or act.

but yet, i want a man to love me and all my flaws. how can that happen before i love and embrace my own perceived shortcomings and areas to improve???

lol.

yeah. so i said to myself, Carlin, you gotta start loving yourself like you're loving someone else...do the special things you want someone else to do for you, because i think it will exponentially increase my self love and confidence.

im not bragging, but it's really surprised me how many men compliment my hair now that it's so short. of course some of them are prob just trying to get what they can get, but i genuinely believe a few of them...however i couldnt give myself the very same compliments. i kept seeing what was "wrong" with my hair or my look. i reacted very cynically when a few ppl were like "you're beautiful etc..." because i didnt think it of myself...therefore i thot they couldnt be for real.

but im seeing, the perception that matters the most is mine. i always knew that, but now im seeing how that affects everry moment. random but that made me think of MJ...RIP... if i had known him as a teen before the surgery, i woulda told him, as others had to have, that he was handsome, a cutie, a hot boy...and didnt need to change w surgery. like i said, im sure someone told him that, at some point before and during all of his changes.

but what mattered most to him...how hE saw hImself. he was striving for something that he needed, and even being the king of pop, ridiculed but loved by many, he still didnt quite love who he was.

and in a way, i understand that. i dont wear a ton of makeup but i do use it, esp eyeliner and mascara...and a lot of times im not extra comfortable without it. that has to change. makeup is fine, but not if im using it as a crutch and dont feel pretty without it...

this is all very random but it felt like a breakthrough to me today. neyo's ms.independent is one of my favorite songs, but now i get that it's not only about buying yourself your own stuff, it should be about making yourself feel special, by yourself...not through someone else's flattery. i should knw that im beautiful inside and out even if no one ever co-signs to that ever again.

i was created in His image, therefore i will always be beautiful, no matter what i look like.

i may be in the minority here as far as admitting or having these issues with myself,,,but i kinda doubt it, lol, whether or not you'll admit it.

it;s not just physical, its more than that. i'll better recognize when someone is loving me fully and suffiently if i start getting used to it...by loving myself that way now. and it's so many of the little things, like being lazy and not washing my face or brushing my teeth before bed, and not exercising, or keeping up with doctors appts, or cleaning my room so i wake up to beauty rather than a mess, lol, or preparing ahead of time and not stressing myself out at the last minute...etc etc etc. the type of stuff where if someone else wouldnt do it for me, i might say how can you love me if you cant do this, or that.

lol. but yet i wasnt doin them for myself.

so, new challenge.

that's my goal. i have a lot to do, but imma stop beating myself up for not being perfect in any way. i never will be.

i'm me.

flaws and all.

lol.

nice to meet ya.


sincerely,
carlin

pretty wings.

so, like i said below, more maxwell.

so i bought the cd this week, and just rode around new orleans that evening with the windows down, BB in the passenger seat, lol, and enjoying the songs.

not till tonight tho did i hear and read the words to pretty wings. i already loved the song, but it tied into a lot for me tonight.

i can be a little rash sometimes, but thats me. so in my back and forth with quay over being just friends or more or nothing or BLAH BLAH BLAAAAH....that stupid dance, roundaboutnessss...i said we shouldnt talk for a specific, extended amount of time...mostly cause i need to get all the way overr some stuff with him, and with myself. by myself.

as usually happens with me, ive hit road bumps along the way and wanted to call it off etc...but ive been able to maintain my resolve...except for one email, lol, but i asked him not to respond, and he didnt :) (even tho i only halfway meant that request...but its for the better.)

so, isnt it kinda funny how you have these new resolutions and your going along fine everyday and youre so proud of yourself, but then when it hits you, it hits you...!

lol.

had some of that today. but then, inadvertently...i really listened to pretty wings, and read the words...and then was like a haaaaaaa.

:)

1st few verses:
"time will bring the real end of our trial
one day there'll be no remnant
no trace no residual feelings within ya
one day u won't remember me

your face will be the reason i smile
but i will not see what i cannot have forever
i'll always love ya i hope you feel the same

you played me dirty your game was so bad
you toyed with my affliction had to fill out my prescription
found the remedy i had to set u FREE

away from me
to see clearly the way that love can be
when you are not with me
I HAD TO LEAVE, I HAD TO LIVE
I HAD TO LEAVE
I HAD TO LIVE
.......




>>> sooo much in those lines above.

but here's the really exciting part, after a while, i realized those words didnt just tie into my time getting over quay, but also w a few other loved ones in my life, and even with myself.

it's a hackneyed saying, but if you love something let it go...if it comes back then it's really yours etc etc...

we can always keep people in our hearts...but sometimes we physically and emotionally have to let go. and thats what ive had to do this summer, with more than just quay. with friends, w family, again, with myself.

ive been very blessed my whole life. but this summer has been the epitome of blessings, because i have been able to basically be a nomad and find myself in more ways than one...or should i say consciously proceed on the journey to really see who carlin is.

ive been blessed to stay with a friend and her fam for free here in new orleans, and also had the chance to NOT work, and live sparingly, and pretty much get reacquainted with my city and myself...

not many ppl have the option of just not "really" doing anything for an extended amt of time like this...therefore i am so grateful. i really needed this time, not just cause of quay, or any one person or thing, but because ive had a lot to sort out. and nothing is totally resolved or finito...but i have reached places i never thot i even had inside of me...

having this time has been priceless. i'll break it down in more detail eventually, but those lyrics above are not just about my ex.

ive been uptight since 84.

im finally loosening my grip on it all. on him. on me. on yal. on her. on that. on this.

im looking at the beauty of free flowing-ness. try as i may have, i cant control anything...not even me...all the way. when im exhausted, my body will shut down, whether i want it to or not.

so i think the beauty is in our reactions and our motivation, our continuing on,,,even through the storms and the really tough times ie LIFE.

i dont knw if maxwell was alluding to angels or birds or butterflies when he talked about pretty wings, but it makes me think of angels and butterflies mostly.

angels because quay called me his angel, and i eventually said the same about him, and in a way he still is because he taught me a lot, more good than bad. but i still had to let him spread his own wings while i spread mine. and that goes for the others in my life too, bc yall are all angels to an extent, we all bless each other in little ways, a lot of times those ways are unseen.

but i remember learning that when butterflies come out of that coccoon (sp?), their wings still have to dry and harden, before they can support flight.

i feel like my wings are getting stronger, like im really about to take flight. my friend Slim had something on twitter along the lines of vision is great, but doing and making that vision a reality is the harder, more imp part.

i have so many ideas, so many abilities....ive accomplished a lot in 24 years, but im really about to take flight. i dont have it mapped out, so it;ll be slightly reactionary...but i have some idea of whats coming next.

and lemme just say, its gonna be big, and it wouldnt be possible without strengthening myself mind body and most imp soul...a process which has really peaked in 2009. its a lifelong process, but it just hit mainstream, lol, it just got the spotlight put on it, in the world of carlin lewis. :)

so, i hear a lot when i hear that song, pretty wings.

let's fly :)



sincerely,
carlin

sorry i told you lieees...

pretty wings, your pretty wings.....

ugh, maxwell. made me believe in love at first sight. lol. nawww, but his performance at Essence, OMG. had most of his cd's burned, but had to go out and get each of the real things after that performance. and imma stop explaining my opinion of him now, because it's pretty deep....LoL.

but it did make me think of this.

i was gonna write a lot about steve mcnair. but i decided against it. imma keep it relatively short.

in my opinion, you get it how you live. I hope he rests in peace. but im sure it's kinda hard for his kids and wife right now to get any rest...or peace. im not judging, bc i wasnt in his shoes...i just feel like when you do bad, you cant be mad when it ends up bad.

ive lied to people before, so again, im not judging. but an affair...i think that can be qualified as somewhat bad. i was very sad to hear that is how his life ended.

it just reminded me that there are consequences and repercussions. it also briefly reminded me of my ex cheating. i didnt let it get me too mad tho, because those feelings were assuaged by maxwell;s songs.

it's corny but i MEAN it when i say, i know a man can and WiLL love me like maxwell sings about. and im not settling for less. and just because my ex messed up, and steve mcnair messed up, and life is life, and nothing is ever perfect, and maybe maxwell is actually a cheating jerk and not the lover i perceive...i'll still be alright :)

lol, i was telling my boy ike how much i'm in love with maxwell now, and he was like "man he's just like all other men..." lol. which could be right. but the ideals in his songs, i believe they're possible.


more on max...etc....

...but now i've got to fiiiind...my ownnn

i dont know where i belonnggg...but i'lll be moving on...

:) beyonce...paraphrased a bit by me. but that's from her song Listen, off the dreamgirls soundtrack. sooo. essence fest 2009 right here in the n.o. didnt plan to go to any of the shows, but so far 2 for 2 and gonna finish it out tonight :)

God is good. homie from waaay back had free tix the last two nights, and for tonight imma pay, but its more than worth it to see en vogue, maze's farewell and OH yeAH, my godbrother on the main stage with his high school band....yeahhh....got to.


man, it's so good to be back here in new orleans. i tell ya, my mind really does tick pretty good down here :) dont worry, my brain is good all over the world, but i seem to sort things out a little better down here at the bottom of the map.

i miss my fam tremendously and prob gonna head back to the eastcoast sooner than planned for that very reason. but it's amazing what distance and time can do. i'm so thankful.
i havent posted in a while and that's a relatively good thing, bc it is due to me FINALLY slowing down, to an extent, lol. (i'll prob always be pretty hyper, but not moving at warp speed anymore).

so, also, didnt have the motivation for a post, but juuuuust got some.

first off, beyonce gave me the first inkling fri night at her show. i love and respect beyonce, but i wasnt pressed to see her shw this year....esPESH after the BET awards joint....just wasnt my cup of tea, that's all. but, when my girl popped up with tickets for free ninety nine...well, yeah! :)
** lol an sidenote, new orleanians wait till the LAST min on essence tickets cause it's so likely someoneeeee will have a hookup or total freebie...case in point :)


so beyonce was doing her thing as always, she is an AMAZING performer, but when she sang Listen, i heard it in a whole new way.

i didnt really like the song much before that night. now, im sitting here LISTENing to LISTEN as i type :)

to me, the song put into words some of the feelings ive had lately. ive gone at it a bit with some of the ppl that i care about the most in this world...and in a way, i think part of my frustration and in turn anger stemmed from feeling like they werent LISTENINGGGG to me. i was yellin so much cause i was trying to be heard, but there were issues on both sides, especially mine, bc i wasnt doing very much listening either.

thats all a longgggggger story for another day, but i just wanted to mention that Bey really brought some light into my sitch. at one point she says
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
liii iiiss iisss sten :)

like i said, more to the story but not right now. im just glad to realize that im getting clearer on some of the issues in my life.


also, watching bey reminded me that i am an amazing woman,,,too many women, like me, forget that tooo often.

this past week ive been getting used to my new hair...ie lack thereof. i reallllyyy like it. i do, and i'd say if i didnt...but, im so not totally used to it yet. and my long hair was a security blanket in a way...

now, i get more looks because ppl are like oh wait, she doesnt have anyyyy hair. :) and im gettin used to what carlin looks like, because before i more saw carlin with hair...now its JUST CARLIN.

so i'll admit, more often than i'd prefer this past week, ive been a little down on myself. but this has been a lesson to me, no one can make you feel as bad as you make yourself feel. i finally woke up and said all these negative thots im having about myself..I HAVE TO STOP THEM. my parents cant, you cant.,,only i can manage how i feel about me.

so im very thankful to say that i am embracing and appreciating who carlin really is. i am very thankful for this journey.


and this journey soooo has a lot more to it :) ok bout to add another post but that's it for this one. :) lyrics to Listen below





lyrics:
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

sigh...the swan song for FB and Twitter but ACTUALLY about the N.O.

hola alllll.

ok so im not gonna start a book but it's been a while since the last entry so as you may imagine, i have a LOT on my mind.

let's start with this. my connection/let's admit it slight ADDICTIOn to facebook and now twitter are just overboard. and it's a love hate type thing. liiiike, i hate seeing what everyone else is doing alllll the time bc it effects me in ways it shouldnt. but then, why do i see it...because IIII log into these sites.

lol.

i love that facebook reconnected me with ppl i went to elementary school with, etc etc, ie ppl i lost touch with and then its like HELLOOOOO, they're married with kids or something, and its great to catch up.

however, my need to log in is just annoying. i havent read a book in forever...and i love to read. its time for at the very least a break from all this social networking. and that's just me. im not knocking anyone...its just a bit much.

also, in a way, facebook used to be kinda like a clubhouse, for us college aged kids to just be goofy, chill out, and say and do goofy stuff on the internet. now however, literally everyone and their MOTHER, TEACHER, PSYCHIATRIST, BOSS, NEPHEW and NIECE is on there. :) now, especially after ish like Katrina, i can truly appreciate a site that lets ppl connect. i just dont think that;s what facebook was supposed to be, that's MY opinion. it's like having your parents join you on your honeymoon....ummm, love you mom and dad...BUT NOOOOO. (and here's the disclaimer im not alluding to sex on the honeymoon, im just saying there's a time and place for everything). make money Mark Z, expand, do what you gotta do...but it's just not as fun anymore.

more than likely i will be back to facebook and poss twitter, cause i really do enjoy them. it;l just be at a much more scaled down level and i will not be on it as much...once i DO log back in...IF i do... :)

the ppl that really need to and want to get in touch with me will. email is a great invention, and with 6 degrees of separation you can get at me if you need to :)

but yeah, this all ties into me working out my way in life. sorry to make it so deep all of a sudden, but that's what 2009 seems to be shaping into for me. i realize i cannot map every step out, but i am sitting back and planning a little differently than i ever have. i think God got me back to New Orleans, my birthplace and roots, to refocus.

i mentioned this to my mom before i left VA, right as i realized it. I've come to New Orleans after alllll the monumental issues in my life.

lol that the major issues in my life really didnt kick start till last year in my opinion. but last year was my 1st breakup, and first time dealing with real family issues. in may of 08, i used free airtran flights to get back home, for like 2 weeks...and it was exactly what i needed.

not that i was running away from problems, but for the first time, i was breathing. there was nothing more that i could do for any of those situations...except let it ride. and if you know me...im not really a "let it ride person". ive neverr been toooo good at playing things by ear :) im pretttttty uptight. but guess what, im letting go of that. im chillin out so that life doesnt pass me by. im appreciating the little things and the big...but when i was moving so fast worrying about controlling or solving everything before...i wasnt appreciating all that i had, even in the midst of some storms.

then, ahhhhh, the somewhat infamous Facebook blowup...aimed mostly at Marquay but really at ANY and EVERY and ALLLL types of cheaters :) yup...even you....if you're any type of cheater.

im not tryna be mean, im being real, and sometimes the truth is painful. but basically, when i did all that on facebook, it was to maintain MY sanity...i had to push back, bc the level of disrespect had peaked. you know when in cartoons the characters can run to an isolated mountain and SCREAAAAM their lungs out? well, that's what i did, except it wasnt isolated. but ya know what, it felt better than just screaming into my pillow or punching a wall etc. bc i wanted ppl to know how i felt. i wanted him to knw how i reaaaaallly felt, not all the sugarcoated polite stuff i may have watered it down with before.

so....i put it on facebook. and i DONT regret it. it served it's purpose, which was to give me an outlet. and guess what i did a couple hours after those rage filled posts....

DINGGG!! went to new orleans. the trip was alreaddy planned. it just so happened to coincide with the day i let loose on quay on facebook.

and going to Jazzfest, this past april, was beautiful, and exactly what i needed.

so far i've been in new orleans for less than 24 hours :)

but i feel it. im not saying it's mystical or anything, im just sayin it's necessary. im not running from anyone :) promise...sometimes you just need to get your mind right...and this seems to be how i best get myyyy mind right.

i bring it back to the bottom of the map.

i hear all the insane accents and drawls and bayyyybaaaaaayyss one could imagine. i seeee alll the places i grew up around, in, next to, under, over...lol. i smell the same smellssss...TASTE the same AMAZING food.



and it brings me back. it re-centers me. it slows me down. it helps me think. it helps me believe again. it helps me see. it helps me love and remember that love will endure.

dont ask me how it does all this....lol...im just telling you that it does. im sitting in j will's ppl's big empty post katrina refurbished beautiful house (while BB sleeps, finally), with tears slowly coming down my face because im really seeing this is where im supposed to be.




right here.

right now.

i needed this. thank the Lord that i made it here. and I thank Him for what's to come.

i know it's gonna be beautiful. i know when i find true love its gonna be amazing, when i maintain full harmony with yall that are clossssest to me, its gonna be magnificent...when i see the fruits of my labor...its gonna be rewarding.


i remember someone saying the soil down here in the Delta is really rich, bc of the mississippi bringing in nutrients from upriver/states north of here.


maybe that's also a part of the pull for me down here. maybe the soil is so furtile that i just wanna be around it.

i think it's a lotta things....i also thot this post would just be about fb and twitter lol...but while this is the swan song for those two, its the start of a new beginning for Carlin.

and just like back in 84, it's gonna take place here...

im so thankful to call this place home. home is where the heart is, so my home is all overr the place actually...lol, VAaaaa, Indy, MD, DC, GA, Africa, etc etc etc...but this is where God first put me on this earth.

i think that was more than just a coincidence.

so if you looking for me i'll be here. and after that, i'll be all overr...but this is where it begins....again.



love yall, and miss some of yall but see you soon :)


sincerely,
carlin

running but here's whats coming:

1. when i date again, i'll require a dude that likes my lipgloss. seriously. or find one for me...i'll explain
2. protesting at PETA tom morning when they refuse to babysit my pet flies
3. buying cd's from walmart to curb my cursing
4. how do you become a hype man...apply, aspire??
5. men should wear signs when w a girl that's not their GIRL....lol


bout to spend some family time so neeeed to get off this computer. but yes, its goign down at PETA headquarters tomorrow morning...and based on the 5 randoms above, i feel like saying quite a bit right. i'll get to it, sooooon!!! just not right now....family here i comeeeee.. it's very rude of me staying on the comp like this....so PEACE OUT :)


sincerely,
carlin

i do care.

i want you to know that. as i continue to slow down, i see that my brashness, my fearlessness, my focus...sometimes it seems like i dont care.

but tonight i accepted something and wanted you to know...i do care.

i do care what otherr people think, and how you feel.


...but it will not make or break me. see, many of you, in fact EVERYONE, even the inner circle, can say that since about march of this year, i am a different person.

well here's a big part of the difference. ive always had many of these same thoughts and feelings inside of me. but life, life finally pulled them out. and i dont think im unique in this. i think that ppl look at this blog bc in some way they relate, and for some of you, im sayin stuff thats not far off of what you at some point have thought or felt....but for SOME reason, did not share.

since i was a child, i have always cared greatly for other ppl.

my ex called it being too nice, others call it being extra, family sometimes calls it naivety and vulnerability.

but here's the thing ppl. i really am not scared of much in this world. im not bragging. i just really am not. i'm not scared of black dudes at night with hoodies. im not scared of bald white guys with rebel flag tatts in mississippi. im not scared of dick cheney on a hunting trip...

not because i think im invincible. but because i know that we are all ppl. i know that you are someone;s child just like me, and most importantly, IN my OPINION, we all come from the same creator.

and also, i can see your humanness.

i may have just made that word up, but it's perfect.

you prob already consider me a little weird and thats good :). because i mean it, no matter how bad someone may seem, i always can imagine them laughing with someone, caring about someone, hurting about something.

that's why i smile at ppl when they pass me. not cause i want your number...but bc we;re both human, passing by, on the same street, at the same time. and im just saying hi.

this post kinda came out of me reflecting on the past few months...cause they've been filled with conflict with the ppl i love the most. and when im alone i just sit and wonder what the heck am i doing to drive these wedges between us????? sometimes my anger and frustration comes out sooooooo wrong. sometimes im soooooo fucking mean. and im sorry to curse but thats the perfect description. my meanness pushes the ones i care about most away. it makes them question how much i love them, or even want them with me.


life is so intense because its really a challenge to say and do what you really MEAN. im sitting here crying as i type this because if i could lay my heart out for each of you to read my true intent and desires, then everything would be fine again. we would all understand each other, and most importantly to me, you would understand my goals.

i started this blog alone bc i wanted it to be a family endeavor. but ever since i got back from school, we've been too preoccuppied w issssues to do it. so i went ahead. << this is a perfect example of my motivation behind many of my actions. this blog is not only to help me, its to help others possibly feel like they are not ALONE in some of their mistakes, falters, doubts, and confusions. bc when i was really down, God gave me other ppl that shared their own pains with me. and it made me forgive myself. it made me stop beating myself up.

thats why in one of my older posts i say kids in bad living situations arent trippin off what carlin lewis puts on facebook etc. they're hurting bc their mom is strung out and the dont know their father.
and my goal is to change shit like that. pardon my french. but that's exactly what those situations are, unnecessary bullshit caused by ppl that arent being responsible for a LOT of reasons.

i am going to help make this a better world. and if i ever seem like i dont care about something between us, its because im seeing bigger issues. too many ppl are suffering!!!!!

i know our lives seeeeem really hard right now, but if you're able, like me, to even access a computer whenever you please, then you are better off than a lot of others.

its cyclical. the problems in this world keep repeating themselves.

caring will help solve them. it sounds corny but that's cause it's simple.

si many of us have great care inside our hearts...but how often do we show it? instead, bc its a cold bitter world, we face most days, cold, and bitter. but why??? doesnt it feel better to see a freaking smile than a scowl. just try it. and when we get past a lot of the unnecessary or MINOR issues, then we can start conquering these mountains of CRAP we;ve all helped build.

so like i said. i do care. i care so much, about all of yall, my family, my friends, my ex friends, my enemies, and the strangers. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i like it like that. bc maybe itl touch someone who;s never seen someone else's heart.

maybe it wont...but im willing to take that chance.

and dont worry, im not reckless nor naive. my life has taught me a lot. ive seen that you can find bad anywhere, but thankfully there is good everywhere too.

we all have the propensity to be whatever we want. i want to be a believer...i want to keep believing that we can make a change. i want to keep believing that change really is gon come.

pls. think a lotta things about me....im a jerk, im a smartass, im bossy, im tempermental, im needy, im extra, im hyper, im persistent etc etc...but pls dont ever think i dont care.

i dont even like when ppl answer questions like "can i borrow this?" with an "i dont care"....lol


once again, another disjointed, mind of carlin rant kinda sorta...but it kept me from falling asleep. sometimes my pride gets in the way and i dont show it...but i care. i wont let any of you bring me down...but in some way, i will always care...thats why i havent just up and moved into the unabombers vacant cabin...cause i wanna interact, i wanna work together, i wanna be a part of you guys, not APART. :)

im just a little different. im just a little rough around ALL edges. but i do thnk we;ll figure it out...soon.

love you all.

thanks for reading. this really is fun...tears and all.


sincerely,
carlin


p.s. i dont cry nearly as much as i used to...so the tears that fell tonight....priceless.

long hair dont care :) for now

ok so it goes like this. i';ve already said it quite a few times but God is that DUDE.

so, he took care of my fam in a major way last november/december. my sister dealt with aplastic anemia. life threatening. but not cancer. before the diagnosis, they thot it may have been leukemia. now, being the smart ppl that my parents and sister are, they did not tell me it coulda been leukemia cause i would have driven from indy to va in 4.3 seconds flat. first semester exams...not for carlin...but it didnt come to that.

so, if you've been keeping up, my sister DID NOT have cancer, and she was/is also healed from the sickness she did have (and i mean healed and blessed in a big way, ie graduated this may, ON TIIIIME, from college, with HONORS...yeah, negroes and others dont graduate w their FULL health, on time...).

so, lots to be thankful for right. yeah, lots.

so around april im studying with a homie from law school, well actually pretending to study ie facebooking and talking, and she says carlin you could pull off a bald head.

LOL. okkk. thanks girly, but nawww, do you see how big my head is?? lol. trust me, i know i have a 5head, theres only more lurking below these locks.

but then she went on to tell me about this org called st.baldrick's day. basically ppl raise money by getting pledges baseed on them saying and then SHAVING their heads.

usually it's mostly guys, but when girls do it, it def pulls in more funds and attention. and the funds and attention go to finding a cure for childhood cancer.

lemme tie it all together for sommme of you out there.

when my homegirl mentioned this st.baldrick's piece, i thot that itd be a great way to show my concern for cancer patients, but also my elation that my sister was spared. so it's 50 50.

and the more i thot about it, the more i saw how maybe, for a little girl thats going through chemo and just lost her hair...maybe seeing an older girl/woman (slash bc i dont feel grown like a woman, but technically i am...i guess. almost) cut her hair may make that little girl feel less self conscious and sad.

maybe it wont. but im gonna take that chance.

here's the humorous part. lots of ppl dont think itl happen. and i am admitting, in the last month i had punked out and said i wasnt gonna do it and that i only wanted to do it to act out.

well, today i realized that i wanna do it to show my concern for anyone afflicted with cancer, bc it has touched us ALL in some way.

and yes, it will be liberating to cut my hair, which i have never done before aside from getting the ends clipped for maintenance.

i have no ideaaaa how i'll look, but worse case i'll throw a scarf on. and based on my fam's track record and a little indian in the blood our hair seems to grow pretty quickly. lol. but maybe it wontt. my reason for doing this is mainly the cancer funds, but also because i am not my hair.

its really funny, the most opposition ive gotten on this endeavor is from black men. being from new orleans, down there especially, long hair, light skin = you can have whatever you liiiike. lol. but for real. culturally we are just brain washed. dont worry, i could go on and on about this, but i shant, not tonight at least.

if someone is only interested cause of my hair, or mostly bc of it, thaaanks, but no thanks. i guess this will be a good way to find out right?? lol.

another small part of why i punked out was bc i was worried about a dude's reaction. sheeeeeeeeeeesh right. but yeah...i was like "i can just do relay for life instead...let's not take a chance and desert this long hair..., hEEE wont like it."

lol. i tell ya. life is a funny funny journey. so much is easier said than done.

so keep an eye out...imma put in work tomorrow on the specifics, already been in touch with the foundation. if you wanna help out in any way, getting your head shaved with me, or donating, or helping organize, or performing at the event, pipe up. should be going down about a month from now, in new orleans through my church. lets goooo :)


sincerely,
carlin


p.s. sooo not tryna be like kanye's cute chick, or cassie, or lala etc. i hope i look as cute as they do with it...but its a tosssss upppp. lol.

flashing...lights...

lol. kinda random, but i'll expand eventually. im just sideline watchn ppl out there, mostly (but not just) from my alma mater, that are hung up on celebrity. liiike, wanna be famous.

im not preaching, or teaching or JUDGING. just observing, and these are my thots.

if you're chasing a lifestyle, who defines that lifestyle?

have fun. i just think your real life, might pass you by...while you're styling...

ONE definition of style: a mode of living, as with respect to expense or display.

so when does the show end?

be real. fight the fake. bc anybody can be famous, just make sure its worthwhile, and worth remembering...are you part of the solution, or part of the problem? what will you be famous for...i'm just asking. i'd like to hear the answer, seriously. email or message me, tell us in the comments. :) cause im not a hater, i want us ALL to prosper. im just not blind either, and IN MY OPINION, a lotta yal are see thru, as in we see thru your facade.

transparency is good. falsifying you is not.

aGain, and i do this for the remedial ones, im not judging, get the money if you can, but doNt fake it. thats all.


only you can be you.


sincerely,
carlin

man...

not much to say. just that its a trip how emotions can rock you sometimes right? that particular person can say just the right thing to get under your skin and everything is out the window...

every blessing, every success, every miracle...it just gets overshadowed by the front and center bullshit that's sitting on your chest at this veryyy moment.

im sorry to curse and im really trying to stop especially bc my mom and my sister hate it. but sheeesh. sometimes its just like that.

i really have come to see that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes inthe morning ligght...

sometimes that weeping doesnt always mean tears, and most times, that night doesnt just mean a "night". but i know the morning will come...it always has.

i know im stubborn, i know i can be obstinate...but im working on it. lately some of the men in my life have just dropped the ball. but maybe it was me simply recognizing that they are merely human...and not the supermen i used to rely on. i dont think im needy, altho some may disagree...i simply seem to keep my expectations too high, re other people.

i really think that Obama is as strong and calm/collected as he is because he dealt with adversity early in life. like one of my best buds he grew up without his father. i think that dealing with that as a child makes you super strong, very quickly.

as always my thoughts are random, but ah well. this is my diary, it just so happens to be open to you.

early on my girl and obama learned that people will let you down. they each had tremendous families and support from friends, but at the end of the day, i think that they know that all they really have is themselves in this world. (fyi, i knw God is always with me, so when i say "i'm all i have" i mean re peOple...not Him)


i'm not a hermit. i'm not a recluse. i'm not cut off from the world. i have a stellar family and set of friends that i wouldnt trade.

sometimes tho, you just wanna be understood.

and when those closest to you dont understand, it simply sucks.

it simply feels like ugggh.

its an old saying, but dmx reiterated it. if you love something let it go, if it comes back, then it's really yours. < i used to think that only referred to romantic love with a guy, but now i see it applies to true friends and family. you can only explain and ask for but so much. eventually you gotta just let go, and let God and that person work it out.

and hopefully, they come back to you.

cause this is all really hard without you.

we were so close...and im NOTTT talking about juuust quay right now. shit. i have more to my life than him (you simply see his name on here & not others bc they cant handle it right now). i'm talking about someone i never thot would or could walk away. more importantly figuratively than literally. and maybe you didnt mean to, buut it feels like you're gone.

but.....weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes...in the morning light.

love will endure. its just kinda tough right now. but we'll make it.



sincerely,
carlin...aka bean...aka beans... :\


p.s. this post may not have made any sense to you...but it's what i needed to say.

bout to hit the road but...

just wanted to say this.

ive said it before.

before YOU start giving me advice annnd/or Orders...pls just look at yourself first.

i've also said that i welcome advice and constructive critiscm (sp).

but it really gets under my skin when ppl telllllll me what i havvvve to do.

it's an old saying, but the only thing i havvve to do is stay black and die. (and jacko may have eclipsed one of those), so really all i gotta do is LIVE...until i die.

so until one of YOU can show me your certified EXPERT AT LIFE BADGE...pls take a chill pill.

if you hear me say or see me bout to jump off a bridge or try cocaine then YES, BY ALL MEANS, pls step in and make me stop.

but when it comes to who i talk to, how much, how often etc etc etc, i got it. you can give me your two cents, but it's just that...two cents.

i'm really not tryna be disrespectful at all. but this goes out to young and old. many many manyyyy of you out there do NOT know the full story of many of the things yal speak on, and yes, particularly the ish with quay. but when YOU littterally almost took your child's fathers LIFE...well in my opinion, i'll handle myyy situation, cause i think we're talking apples and oranges.:::when YOU have a baby's father that lives with you, cheats on YOU, disrespects YOU, and doesnt help with your child, again, I'll take MYYY situation over yours, and over YOUR advice.::::when you are approaching the half a century mark (that means almost 50 years old) and you stilll wont let go of a love lost over 30 years back....well, i'll handle myyyy situation.:::::when you can't keep friends, i mean gotta make new friends every YEAR, again, i'll handle MYYYY situation.

too many damn chiefs, not enough indians.

i'm good.

i'm the chief of my life. i love all yal, yes you toooo hater, but i wont let my love for yal trump my love for myself.

i dont think i know everything, but like YOU, imma have to make some mistakes on my own. and as i already have, i'll take the responsibility of the outcome, i promise.

whew. once again just had to vent. and i dont think i even used any curse words...i'll go back and check, lol. but when i was thinking of this post on the drive over, pls believe it involved multiple MF's and at least sugarhoneyicedtea. but woo sahhhs are helping, a bit. and my anger subsided, a bit. but this blog is doing just what i intended, helping me channel my energy into something more positive than GOINNGGGG OFFFFFFFFFFF on some of YAL. lol. for real tho. and i know some of you still haaaate the fact that i have this blog and am so public with my life, but pls believe me when i sincerely say, i needed this, and i thank the Lord for this outlet. musicians write music, authors write novels, pastors preach, teachers teach...lol. i blog... for now at least.

love yal. say a prayer for traveling grace pls, hitting the road back to VA, then HOME SWEEEEEEEEEEET HOME New Orleans in a week!!!!!!!!!

there will definitely be some posts about the N.O....for sure.

again, love yal, even YOU.


sincerely,
carlin


p.s. real recognizes real too...remember that before you get all high faluting on someone else...

p.p.s. where it says YOU, pls believe i could have inserted YALL"S names, but again, i am learning discretion...lol..(YOU're welcome!)

maybe its the weather..nahh, just miii

hola.

so. one of my main reasons for starting this blog was because i have a lot to say, and some of the personal ish is particularly interesting. at least in my opinion...and the opinion of some of those that were facebook following my updates, lol.

quite frankly, i have become a different person. i have always been very bold and headstrong, but it reached a new level this year. and i attribute that to my experiences. let's get into some of those experiences.

this is an ongoing joint, so imma just start where i feel.

my ex, quay, was my first boyfriend really in my life. i had a young lil relationship in 10th grade, but nothing really happened, ie no sex etc. it was fun tho :)

when i got to college in 02, i FULLLYYY expected to start "enjoying life..ie guys" lol. i had a couple crushes, but they didnt pan out...so fast forward to senior year, and i was a little worried that i might end up alone forever...lol. but seriously.

then, around september of that year, quay stepped up. we'd known each other for years, but it became more, oddly enough (thanks Jarell :D).

and i took it from zero to 20 in a matter of seconds. finally had sex for the 1st time, at TWENTY ONNNE. yes, 21, you read that right. and well for lack of a better analogy, like TPAIN sang about...i was sprung... :)

there;s a whole lot to this story, as the saga that WAS (emphasis on WAS, cause it's a new day...) carlin and quay, lasted technically from Dec.2, 2005 to June 2, 2009....that's 3 and a half years folks.

only up until feb 2008 was it official, but after that we did the whole "breaK" song and dance, on and off, not together but monogamous etc etc....LOL!! ahh hindsight.

ao, 3.5 years, thats a long time in my opinion, especially for your first relationship., so this post will not encompass everything, only what i feel like chatting about right now.

and that's the lesson that you reaaaallly dont understand something until YOU go through it.

:) so. before some drama with quay, i was one of those ppl that nevvvver thot i could get cheated on. not cause i think im a supermodel or totalllyyyy irreplaceable ;), but more because i was just sure that the bond i would have with my boyfriend would be impenetrable...

well, and maybe some of you men out there will comment...it seems to happen rather indiscriminately. how many of us have said what was Eric Benet thinking when he cheated on Halle. I'm not callin myself Halle AT ALL, my point is, if it can happen to herrrrr, then it's just naive to say it will NEVER happen to me.

well, it happened. like i said, sooooo much more to the story, thats why this blog is ongoing. but after a chat with one of my cousins, i just felt like putting this ot there. before, i didnt think it was possible for one to love a person, but still cheat on them. now, and call it wishful if you like, i do think that can be the case. however, when you start a sexual situation with most women...feelings usually follow if you give it enough time. *that also is for another post, but it allllll ties in :).

with this blog, my overriding goal is to show that we ALLLL go through shit. sometimes, itt can get pretty ugly. but there is always beauty present, in that forgiveness, of ourselves, of others, and from God, always is possible.

quay and i are friends. that simple fact makes some that are close to me SICK. but, it';s my life. we;re not together, we;re not a couple, but we are friends. and a year ago if you'd have told me he'd tell me about TENNN chicks he'd cheated with...and seven others during our various "breaks"....well, a year ago i woulda said well i guess i'll be in jail and he'll be dead because AINT NO MOTHERFUCKING WAY. .........................

well. GOd changes things, lol. right before quay stood up like a man and came clean about all the shady shit he had done, God changed my life. God showed me forgiveness in a way i'd never seen before, so when i heard this worst shit i'd ever heard in my life, i was able to survive it, and NOT lose my mind (despite what some of yall may say :D).

the thing is, i finally got brought down to reality. i finally woke up and saw that no one is perfect except for G O D, and if you keep your faith in PEOPLE, you'll always end up fucked up. (pardon my cursing but its like that sometimes...im working to stop).

i had put quay ahead of EVERYTHINNGGG. yup, even God. so, in my opinion God said ok, lemme show you just how imperfect he is. and well, He did. that's where my poem, he and He and me came from...you can read it below, it's one of my first posts. i gave quay everything. and the only one that deserves everything from us, is God.

so, sometimes, God comes around, and He knocks you down,,,but just get back up, when God knocks you downnn.

lol. but for real, that Keri Hilson song is about God to me. God is the only one that could convince me quay wasnt perfect and never would be...but also that that was ok, because that is life!!!

once again, i knw you're tired of hearing it, but there's more to this story. when i feel like it, i'll get back on it, could be tonight, could be an hour from now...or it could NOT. lol. ya dig? in due time.

so basically these are just my thoughts. they are more up here for me than you, because for the first time ever i am ventinggggg, but i am putting my experiences out here because i think others can benefit, either by avoiding mistakes i made, or FORGIVING themselves for similar fuckups/mistakes/whatever you wanna call them.

part of my epiphany in march was learning that sharing your mistakes can 1. help others feel less pressure to conform, but most importantly, 2. to forgive themselves or others for some of their own issues.

too much potential is lost because we hold onto pure bullshit.

let it go.

it happens to the best of us, and we all make mistakes.

but keep living..ya got to.


more to commme :) these were just my thots, just my feelings at the time.

bout to sunbathe and cloud gaze, maybe hop in the pool if i get hot enough.

thanks for reading my diary. comments welcome :)

sincerely,
carlin


p.s. may add a special bonus (not words tho) to this post...stay tuned :)

the atomic bomb and weezyWe...chea

"where i'm from you see a fucking dead body errryday" - weezyWe

yeah. real but sad. i've been a lot of places, Spain, Los Angeles, Jamaica, new york, VvvvvAaaaa, Denver, the list goes on...but the only place i;ve ever seen dead bodies...yup, the N.O. my hometown, New Orleans, Louisiana. here's the thing. everytime i saw a dead body that was the result of violence, esp over drugs or gangs, it made me MAD.

so a couple days ago when i laid down for a nap, i couldnt sleep, cause that pic of asian kids running after WE (the united states) dropped an atomic bomb on their land...it was in my head. and i decided that when i get the chance (and money, :D), imma have that joint blown up and put on my wall.



why?

because when you actually SEEEEE the devastation...it means more.

everyday we become desensitized by the news because they report killings in te same breath that they report on the circus. for many americans, theyve never seen a dead body in person. it;s psychological,. when you see it, it does somethng to your state of mind. that's why Bush and particularly Cheney did not allow US to see pictures of the MANY caskets returning from the Iraq/Afghanistan/DEBACLE wars...because Americans would have felt some kind of way....and maybe it wouldnt have been just one lonely mother of a fallen soldier protesting at Bush's ranch.

when i was laying there trying to turn my brain off so i could sleep, i realized that if more of us saw the actual processes and results of things that we allow, ie the death penalty, wars, and the things that we keep quiet about, ie drug and gang violence, things would be different.

so often we dont reeeally care or understand until we go through it. that's why one of my favorite quotes is "don't condemn what you don;t understand". i try to remember this often, cause sometimes i am quick to condemn others. but when i take the time to look at their situation, it usually makes more sense. even the kids in my home city of new orleans, and yes i do mean kids, that are killing each other, have a relatively "good" reason for it. many of them do it because it's retaliation or they are asserting themselves against those that have hurt the ones they love the most. i know kids whose parents are nowhere to be found...and the only family they have is the gang or kids on the block that they get down with. so when someone hurts one of their people...of course it's on. they dont see any other option.

my point in this post is that if those of us who already KNOW there;s other options than murder and gangs and atomic bombs etc etc would take some responsibility for our communities, regions, countries, and WORLD, then we can fix some of this!

im not as naive as i used to be, i know this world will never be perfect. but i surely think it can be better.

so look at these pictures. one embodies terror and massacre at the hands of a "government". the other, pain, suffering and death at the hands of a tortured soul.

join big brothers/big sisters. take some time to help someone worse off than you, and trust me, theres always someone worse off than you. the easiest part is it doesnt have to be a huge sacrifice. simply treating ppl like human beings rather than animals, or criminals, or deviants, is a start. take the time to speak to your fellow men and women and kids. simply saying hi goes a long way. in a small way it shows that you know we're in this together...so why not just say good morning.

i have a lot more to say about how the way you treat people effects (or affects, lol) the way people respond and sometimes act out, but that's another post...Hampton Police Department...wink wink...(it's coming....!).

look at the pictures. get a little mad, kinda sad, and then channel that energy. do what you can to cut down on bullshit like this. life is hard enough with cancer, famines, droughts etc etc etc!! let's stop adding to it with our own efffed up complications.

"i'm talking to the man in the mirror, he heeee,
i'm asking him to change his ways....
if you wanna make the world, a better place, take a look at yourself and then
make
a
chaaaaaaange...."

michael's a little confused about some stuff but he got that right. change starts with the one looking back at us in the mirror.

stop digesting bullshit or they'll keep feeding it to you, cause it's cheap and easy to find...(in my opinion).



sincerely,
carlin

deeper than planned, but p.s. king of queens (KOQ)=my homies

(lol, this was soo gonna be a light post, then it got deep...) ok so you know when you're sooo into a tv show that you feel like you know the characters. well, as i do with many things, i took it to another level...and totally feel like doug, carrie, arthur and the whole crew work hard just to make me laugh instead of CRYING over the bullshit in life!!

i've liked it since like 3 yrs ago, but for a minute it was a puuuure necessity. when i lived in md and worked at discovery, i used to walk the two blocks to my apt sooo excited to see that show at 4 and 4.30. ok, pitiful some may say, but say what youuu will! it's the little things in life, and KOQ is one of my little things. and when things got really ugly, it was the little things that worked!

now, the true bliss came when i found episodes of King of Queens on youtube. "ahhhhhhhhhhh" (<< that's supposed to be the heavenly sound choirs make in movies...i tried). some user called polyunsaturate has lots of eps up, and i just was addicted. carlin's weekend after my breakup and thru fam ISH = in the bed w cookies, ice cream and KOQ on lapppo topppo. yessssr!!! (a lil FB stalking in btwn) lol

*** here's the kicker. when i was really down, this show was one of the few things that snapped me outta my problemos. ***

around the time i had my apt in MD, i was really going through it with my ex and family stuff too. and internalize...i did it like noooo other.

to make matters worse, i rarely let my issues and sadness out. i talked to a couple of my girls about it, but it was always just to tell them myyyy resolutions and how much stronger i was gonna be with the young man...but never just to break down and be weak. one chick in particular, who is nooo longer "on my team" lol, and wont be named cause im learning discretion... :) i'd open up to her the most cause she was "dealing" with a football player and had gone through similar, although in MY OPINION ""tougher (shall we say)"" situations. the only thing was, when i talked to her, she would just give me mean pep talks/tough love...but that's not what i needed ALLLLLL the tiiiime. it's my fault for always turning to her, and i'll take that responsibility, but basically it didnt help very much. it added to my NEGATIVE tendency to "suck it up" instead of dealing with my issues.

well, when you don't let it out, you ACT it out. so some of the "craziness" you may have seen or think you've seen from me in the last few months, i think its safe to say some of it can be attributed to me BOTTLING everything up for 24 years, and finally it all broke loose.

you cant keep it all under wraps. sometimes when it hurts, you cant just walk it off. you gotta address that shit.

im not being a smartass but didnt bob marley die from a foot injury that came from playing soccer. i;ll dare to venture he didnt think that ish would take his life...and well...

that stress and pain and GUILT we tend to keep inside, it'll eat you alive. my experiences have helped me better understand when ppl say its their inner demons that have them locked up.

i had to free myself. i had to free myself from lies, bc they had power over me. i had to tell my ex i had been with someone else, and he wasnt "the only one" like he and everyone else had thought since i was 21. yeah, it suckd, but i had to be honest. about that and the orlando trip, and homecoming...lol. it is what it is. but it DOESNT control me anymore.

well, thot this post was just about King of queens, but that's the mind of Carlin Lewis for you...always processing more than one thought at a time.

maybe that;s why some of you cant keep up.

not trying to be a smartass or jerk...but i slow myself down so others can understand...cause if i talked the way i think, REALLLLYYY FAST, well, yeah, i can only imagine what yal would say then.

lol.

yal make me smile, almost as much as K.O.Q.

ttys, live and in living color in JERSSSSSSEY.

dont worry, i'll chat more about some of those down days when tears were prominent...often.

smiles more often now, but that's because im stronger, cause trials are still running rampant. its cool tho. for this tooooo shalll passs :) thank God

gentlemen...

...and ladies if you're curious. and i mean curious as in a "what is she saying to the gentlemen" kinda way. lol..

okkkk. now this should be fun. (wow, that post below really was helpful in at least getting me to release a little bit, and now i can tap into more productive thots.)

ok so like to hear it, here it goes:

I AM AN ODDBALL. I AM WEIRD. I AM sooooo NOT LIKE EVRYONE ELSE.

that's just how it is. if you have evvver really gotten to know me:::well then you know this.

but i want to break it down a little bit, examine the situation, delve a litttullll deeper....lol!

this post is mainly to the gents, but its for whoever feels like taking a gander.

i...am weird. i know i already mentioned this, but when it comes to guys ie dating them, relationships with them, messing around with them, i am just weird.

now this is all just my opinion, but for some reason, i don;t need a guy like a lot of girls do.

case in point:
until the age of 21, i never knew what sex was like. lol. right, that means i didnt have sex until 21. now pls understand, im not bragging, it just was never "right". ya know what, i think this is a big part of it, the foundation...as a kid, my mom would hem me UPPPP if i was playing with my dolls or barbie etc and said "ooooh and here's her boyfriend..." etc. my mom and dad would be like "just play with the dolls!! she doesnt have to have a boyfriend, why can;t barbie just be fine doing what barbie wants to do...blah blah blah". lol. something like that, but the gist was, "you dont neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed a boyfriend/ stop rushing it." or at least that's what i got from it, lol. (mom and dad feel free to comment.)

so, being the extra, extremist that i am, i think i internalized that significantly. and that went on to make me into a girl that was quite alright and rather preferred being alone. i had a boyfriend my sophomore year of high school...we didnt get very far. he was definitely my first "puppy" love, and he taught me a lot, lol...like how learning geometry could be fun in more ways than one, ie the study rooms in the University of New Orleans library...lol. but even then, that amounted to lots of silly young kid kissing and feeling...but not much more. we had one and a half conversations about sex, and i may have hurt his feelings when i without hesitation half laughed and was like uhhh, no, i dont wanna have sex yet. period. end of story. thanks for the offer tho. not cause i didnt "love" him, but because even at like what, 16, i just kinda knew he wouldnt be my husband...(now that is still my homie and who knows, maybe the sparks will come back :D ) after him tho, my nextt boyfriend was not until the age of TWENTY ONE. lol. ok im not good at math so give me a minute...that was about 5 or so years chillin DOLO.

now before some of you start commenting all anonymous, lol, yes, i still had encounters with dudes. but they were so limited it's actually funny. you gentlemen reading this that can recall a kiss or something a little more, you are a part of a small group :) again, i am not bragging, im just explaining. my point is, i am very much programmed to be cool without a guy. in some ways, i flourish being truly single. so i am not playing you to the left or being a jerk or bitch when i say im really not tryna date right now. i REAAALLLY am not trying to date right now. it requires toooo much energy. i'm tryin to sort my life out, and truuuust me, tho you may wanna help with the filing, this is a deep journey. and i'm not really in the mood to do on the job training ya know...therefore i'd rather do it alone. at least for now.

so, im pretty much saying this bc some of yall are just not believing me. it almost seems like you think oh you must be talking to someone else and that's why you're not talking to me. NO. my life is complex, complicated, convuluted, lots of C words!! and i just know that until i;ve got CARLIN in a more solid place, i definitely can't be the girl or really close "friend" that's a girl, for you. we'd both be losing. and of course there's more to it as well, ie that good 3.5 relationship that juuuust got wrapped up. that's a whole nother TEN posts, but they're coming.

my point guys...pls just let me breathe a little ok? im not saying any of yall are being a-holes, cause i would TELL you...but i'm saying respect my wishes, esp when i tell you i need yal to back up a little. we can be friends, lets be cool, we can even hang out (at myyyy discretion)...but pls STOP telling me what i need and that what i need is YOU. that's why i changed my number, that;s why im not giving out my number...lol. because when i;ve been straight up with some of yal, you;ve acted like I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED.

well young sirs...i do. and right now, that's just not you. it may change. it very well might. but until then, just give it some time. youuu very well may be my future husband...but i am NOT READY to see or even consider that. i wanna get myself straight...so let me. trust me, you annnd i will be the better for it.

***this post is not to pump myself up and be like "oooh guys want me". it's to be real. ive said these things to multiple dudes individually but i dont seem to be getting through. so maybe up on the orange background it;ll come out more clearly.****


let;s just be FRIENDS ok. FRIENDS text, FRIENDS talk, but FRIENDS dont try to pressure each other to be MORE than FRIENDS:) (or drive drunk)


and if it pops off, it pops off. but right now, it aint poppin. comprende?? and like i said, until the age of 21, i was pretty content without a dude...dabbled here and there, but nothing serious. i'm gonna take it there again for a little while. just me myself and i.

im not mad. im not anti-men. im really not bitter. im just chillin. i'll be dating again one day...but its just not today.
trust me.


thanks for listening.


sincerely,
carlin

why do we do it to ourselves...whyyyy??!

i don't even know where this particular post is going...but i know i need to say SOMETHING.

that's the point of my blog. it would be great if i could make some money off this joint, but i got it up and running because i need to vent.

all my life i have been something of a sounding board for others, and ive buried my own issues, hurts, pains, frustrations etc deep inside. finally i am realizing and accepting that what you don't LET out, you'll ACT out.

and im done acting out. i want my actions to be deliberate, and not in response to inner captivity.

ok, so, this morning, i woke up with my mind on my PROBLEMS. and that is notttt cool. On March 17, 2009 i had an epiphany. God woke me up. and since then, i've been waking up and my first thought is of Him. not a dude, not my parents, not even my cute lil doggie, but of God. and it has been so comforting.

but yet, today, i woke up with knots in my stomach worrying about life. now, i know life will always include problems...but money seems to be one of the main jerkoff culprits. i tell ya. i totally believe it is better to give than to receive...so oprah or bill gates should GIVE me a mil so i can get some of these amazing ideas of mine popping....annd pay my car note at the same time.

LOL, ok ppl, focus. no, i dont want a hand out. i just want MORE OPTIONS.
stay with me.

what's the mantra when you're growing up regarding a career??? DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. well back then, i really wanted to be a teacher, like my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Murray....she was the BEST!! obsessed with those odd troll toys, but THE BEST!! but then you know what happened? i grew up and found out teachers dont make very much dinero...and that is sad. now, my dad told me about a program in new york looking to pay teachers six figures, and im hoping this model catches on...but for the sake of argument, lets just keep in mind the past and still current pymt for most teachers. and i'll beat the dead horse, but clearly teachers are the most important thing to our kids after the actual parents...in my opinion.

but no. instead, many of us put off our dreams and desired goals because we gotta be realistic. like this summer. i could have broken my neck and gotten one of those high paying internships at a law firm...but i also would hve wanted to throttle myself mutltiple times during the day. instead, i will spend my summer rebuilding MY CITY with habitat for humanity, working with my church, and possibly volunteering with the public defender;s office....but how much money you think imma make from those three endeavors??? exaaaactly, not a dag on cent!!! and until my honda pymt is free ninety nine...well i just dont know.

i'll get ready to wrap this up bc maybe my time would be better spent looking for some grants or something, but i could go on and on about this money issue. but you know what, yeah, here we go...im gonna look at this a different way.

when i woke up i was laying in my bed with the worry that i mentioned earlier...and FINALLY it dawned on me, "are you serious"??! God blesses me nonstop everyday, and not to mention He throws in miracles on top of that. but yet i INSIST on sitting here feeling somewhat sorry for myself because of money problems. i'll be quick to tell someone else how God is all iiiii need, but then will worry myself sick about some worldly possessions that i miiight miss a payment on (lol, i tell ya...). so i need to cut it out right NOW. it's easier said than done...but seriously. yesterday God moved my parents to join the church that i joined about a month ago (under watchcare...CUBC in the N.O. is home). you'll learn more about our family soon, but suffice it to say i had been praying for that breakthrough, because as the pastor said yesterday, before God does anything for us physically, he has to heal us spiritually. so i was witness to the first steps of this process, less than 12 HOURS ago, and yet i have the audacity to sit here and fret! ugh, so not only am i worrying, but now i;m also ANNOYED with myself for this worry.


so maybe i just need to get up and keep on moving. yeeah. i just sat here wondering what am i suppose to do??? how do i shake this feeling??? and so far, my best guess is i need to get up...and get to work. not the typa work imma get a weekly check for, but the typa work i know i am suppose to be doing. so imma get to it.
i think i'll have more to write later on today, including an update on how the day went, and also some of my other more lofty thots, lol, like that hiroshima/lil wayne post, etc etc etc.

thanks to those of you who read/listened. obv i have a lot on my mind, always....but its time for me to start sharing. hope you have a great day!!! cause it's already blessed, remember that (i need to as well).


sincerely,
carlin