loving myself like i'm someone else

title's kinda confusing huh.

this is what i mean. today was interesting...first i was exhausted after habitat the last few days and doing real manual labor...lol. but then i also had a lot of emotions going on to deal with...which is usually the case with me :)

i wasnt really searching for a conclusion to why i was feeling how i was, but when i finally got up and out, this dawned on me.

i spend a lot of time thinkng about, wanting, looking forward to solidifying something with the "right guy". with the guy that's gonna love me forever, for better or worse etc etc etc.

and then it dawned on me. ive been telling a lot of guys that im not looking to date etc because im getting to knw me, ie kinda finding myself, tying into that train of thot that you're not ready to love someone else till you sufficiently love yourself.

and as i was driving today, listening to maxwell still :), i realized that i treat a lot of people waaaaay better than i treat myself. i am quick to accomodate others. i wanna reduce the stress of others, try and make their lives easier. it ties into how i've said before i would do anything for my ex...and in the midst of all that pleasing...i never fully learned to love and please myself.

that's my opinion. i realized i want a man to love me unconditionally, and for better OR WORSE. but i havent been loving myself under those circumstances. i am my biggest critic, but im like one of these evil critics on tmz or something, always finding something wrong with myself, or wrong with how i look, or talk or act.

but yet, i want a man to love me and all my flaws. how can that happen before i love and embrace my own perceived shortcomings and areas to improve???

lol.

yeah. so i said to myself, Carlin, you gotta start loving yourself like you're loving someone else...do the special things you want someone else to do for you, because i think it will exponentially increase my self love and confidence.

im not bragging, but it's really surprised me how many men compliment my hair now that it's so short. of course some of them are prob just trying to get what they can get, but i genuinely believe a few of them...however i couldnt give myself the very same compliments. i kept seeing what was "wrong" with my hair or my look. i reacted very cynically when a few ppl were like "you're beautiful etc..." because i didnt think it of myself...therefore i thot they couldnt be for real.

but im seeing, the perception that matters the most is mine. i always knew that, but now im seeing how that affects everry moment. random but that made me think of MJ...RIP... if i had known him as a teen before the surgery, i woulda told him, as others had to have, that he was handsome, a cutie, a hot boy...and didnt need to change w surgery. like i said, im sure someone told him that, at some point before and during all of his changes.

but what mattered most to him...how hE saw hImself. he was striving for something that he needed, and even being the king of pop, ridiculed but loved by many, he still didnt quite love who he was.

and in a way, i understand that. i dont wear a ton of makeup but i do use it, esp eyeliner and mascara...and a lot of times im not extra comfortable without it. that has to change. makeup is fine, but not if im using it as a crutch and dont feel pretty without it...

this is all very random but it felt like a breakthrough to me today. neyo's ms.independent is one of my favorite songs, but now i get that it's not only about buying yourself your own stuff, it should be about making yourself feel special, by yourself...not through someone else's flattery. i should knw that im beautiful inside and out even if no one ever co-signs to that ever again.

i was created in His image, therefore i will always be beautiful, no matter what i look like.

i may be in the minority here as far as admitting or having these issues with myself,,,but i kinda doubt it, lol, whether or not you'll admit it.

it;s not just physical, its more than that. i'll better recognize when someone is loving me fully and suffiently if i start getting used to it...by loving myself that way now. and it's so many of the little things, like being lazy and not washing my face or brushing my teeth before bed, and not exercising, or keeping up with doctors appts, or cleaning my room so i wake up to beauty rather than a mess, lol, or preparing ahead of time and not stressing myself out at the last minute...etc etc etc. the type of stuff where if someone else wouldnt do it for me, i might say how can you love me if you cant do this, or that.

lol. but yet i wasnt doin them for myself.

so, new challenge.

that's my goal. i have a lot to do, but imma stop beating myself up for not being perfect in any way. i never will be.

i'm me.

flaws and all.

lol.

nice to meet ya.


sincerely,
carlin