gentlemen...

...and ladies if you're curious. and i mean curious as in a "what is she saying to the gentlemen" kinda way. lol..

okkkk. now this should be fun. (wow, that post below really was helpful in at least getting me to release a little bit, and now i can tap into more productive thots.)

ok so like to hear it, here it goes:

I AM AN ODDBALL. I AM WEIRD. I AM sooooo NOT LIKE EVRYONE ELSE.

that's just how it is. if you have evvver really gotten to know me:::well then you know this.

but i want to break it down a little bit, examine the situation, delve a litttullll deeper....lol!

this post is mainly to the gents, but its for whoever feels like taking a gander.

i...am weird. i know i already mentioned this, but when it comes to guys ie dating them, relationships with them, messing around with them, i am just weird.

now this is all just my opinion, but for some reason, i don;t need a guy like a lot of girls do.

case in point:
until the age of 21, i never knew what sex was like. lol. right, that means i didnt have sex until 21. now pls understand, im not bragging, it just was never "right". ya know what, i think this is a big part of it, the foundation...as a kid, my mom would hem me UPPPP if i was playing with my dolls or barbie etc and said "ooooh and here's her boyfriend..." etc. my mom and dad would be like "just play with the dolls!! she doesnt have to have a boyfriend, why can;t barbie just be fine doing what barbie wants to do...blah blah blah". lol. something like that, but the gist was, "you dont neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed a boyfriend/ stop rushing it." or at least that's what i got from it, lol. (mom and dad feel free to comment.)

so, being the extra, extremist that i am, i think i internalized that significantly. and that went on to make me into a girl that was quite alright and rather preferred being alone. i had a boyfriend my sophomore year of high school...we didnt get very far. he was definitely my first "puppy" love, and he taught me a lot, lol...like how learning geometry could be fun in more ways than one, ie the study rooms in the University of New Orleans library...lol. but even then, that amounted to lots of silly young kid kissing and feeling...but not much more. we had one and a half conversations about sex, and i may have hurt his feelings when i without hesitation half laughed and was like uhhh, no, i dont wanna have sex yet. period. end of story. thanks for the offer tho. not cause i didnt "love" him, but because even at like what, 16, i just kinda knew he wouldnt be my husband...(now that is still my homie and who knows, maybe the sparks will come back :D ) after him tho, my nextt boyfriend was not until the age of TWENTY ONE. lol. ok im not good at math so give me a minute...that was about 5 or so years chillin DOLO.

now before some of you start commenting all anonymous, lol, yes, i still had encounters with dudes. but they were so limited it's actually funny. you gentlemen reading this that can recall a kiss or something a little more, you are a part of a small group :) again, i am not bragging, im just explaining. my point is, i am very much programmed to be cool without a guy. in some ways, i flourish being truly single. so i am not playing you to the left or being a jerk or bitch when i say im really not tryna date right now. i REAAALLLY am not trying to date right now. it requires toooo much energy. i'm tryin to sort my life out, and truuuust me, tho you may wanna help with the filing, this is a deep journey. and i'm not really in the mood to do on the job training ya know...therefore i'd rather do it alone. at least for now.

so, im pretty much saying this bc some of yall are just not believing me. it almost seems like you think oh you must be talking to someone else and that's why you're not talking to me. NO. my life is complex, complicated, convuluted, lots of C words!! and i just know that until i;ve got CARLIN in a more solid place, i definitely can't be the girl or really close "friend" that's a girl, for you. we'd both be losing. and of course there's more to it as well, ie that good 3.5 relationship that juuuust got wrapped up. that's a whole nother TEN posts, but they're coming.

my point guys...pls just let me breathe a little ok? im not saying any of yall are being a-holes, cause i would TELL you...but i'm saying respect my wishes, esp when i tell you i need yal to back up a little. we can be friends, lets be cool, we can even hang out (at myyyy discretion)...but pls STOP telling me what i need and that what i need is YOU. that's why i changed my number, that;s why im not giving out my number...lol. because when i;ve been straight up with some of yal, you;ve acted like I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED.

well young sirs...i do. and right now, that's just not you. it may change. it very well might. but until then, just give it some time. youuu very well may be my future husband...but i am NOT READY to see or even consider that. i wanna get myself straight...so let me. trust me, you annnd i will be the better for it.

***this post is not to pump myself up and be like "oooh guys want me". it's to be real. ive said these things to multiple dudes individually but i dont seem to be getting through. so maybe up on the orange background it;ll come out more clearly.****


let;s just be FRIENDS ok. FRIENDS text, FRIENDS talk, but FRIENDS dont try to pressure each other to be MORE than FRIENDS:) (or drive drunk)


and if it pops off, it pops off. but right now, it aint poppin. comprende?? and like i said, until the age of 21, i was pretty content without a dude...dabbled here and there, but nothing serious. i'm gonna take it there again for a little while. just me myself and i.

im not mad. im not anti-men. im really not bitter. im just chillin. i'll be dating again one day...but its just not today.
trust me.


thanks for listening.


sincerely,
carlin

nigga we too close can't stop praying nowww...

morning.

the title of this post is based on Jim Jones song Rain, youtube it pls. here's the chorus (again, pls excuse the "n" word etc etc):

Nigga we too close, can't stop praying noww,
tho it seems there's no end to this paaaain,
Everytime i close my eyes i pray for rain,
i pray for rain, to wash away this pain....


ok. so. before i heard this song, i was in no way a jim jones fan. did i do the little "BALLLLINNN" joint at parties...yes. would i have evvver bought his music or gone to see him perform, NOOOO.

but then, a really smart dude, Dr.Suddler to be exact, he educated me. He showed me that rap really is an art form. i had heard this my whole life, but really did not believe it. since my epiphany in march of this year, i have opened up to a lot more possibilities of this world.

i thot that Jim Jones was all about "balllinnn" and beef with JayZ. then i listened to this song. During my 12 hour plus drive back DOLO from Indiana, my world was opened up. lol, i just finished my law school exams/first year of last school (passed, PRAISE THE LORD, even after that brief dropping out, lol)...and Dr.Suddler really continued my education.

Doc made me this banging mixtape, and again, it was just eye opening. It's pretty much all i listened to that whole ride, bout 18 songs, only one of which i really dont like and skip. all the others, they are reallllyyyy saying something.
i'll probably post on some of the other songs eventually, but today, as i woke up to a downpour heree in VAAAAA (two up two down, chea chea. lol!!), i thot of this song.

pls go listen to it or buy it etc. if i had the dinero i'd buy it but not yet senor.

as i hope you see in the chorus, this song talks about the pain that many go through, but especially those in the hood. here's some homework if you've never spent much time in the hood...on a nice day, go walk just like 1.5 or 2 blocks n the hood...since it's summer time lots of ppl, adults and kids, will be outside on the porch etc...and i just want you to listen. walk fast if you're scared, but listen. you'll probably hear lots of laughter and joke cracking and song singing and see kids jumping rope or running up and down the streets together. now, if you were to examine these ppls income/bank statement/"savings" accts, many of them would probably be less than ideal, and some would be on public assistance etc. THAT IS MY OPINION, go head and comment if you are offended etc, but again, it's my opinion, on my blog soooo...yeah.

now, what i want you to take away from this informational walk through the hood is that many of these ppl keep their head up despite what society would deem a poverty stricken existence. why, bc many of them know better days will come, but also, that if they don't laugh, then they;ll be crying till Kingdom come.

this Jim Jones song further shows this point for me, bc he says ppl n the hood don't pray for sunny days because they KNOWW that after the rain, the sun will come out. (of course i'm paraphrasing). instead, many of them/us pray for rain to wash away the contsant barrage of pain that we deal with DAILY.
it's painful when your mom and/or/hopefullyyy dad cant provide for you. it's painful when you have holes in your clothes and cant afford new ones...it's painful when you see the rich congress men and women on tv talking about how much of a cancer YOUR community is to the country because you or your friends are on public assistance and get FREE lunch at school...it's painful when mothers "have" to say to their 14 year old sons "no you not going to high school, it's time for you to hit the corner/block"...all that ISH is painful as shit.

all that painful stuff i just mentioned, i havent gone through all of it, but i have at the very LEAST seen it all and more. IT"S REAL OUT HERE. that's why i said in an older post, kids in the hood not worried about the crazy stuff i decide to put on the internet...they worried about a life that seems over before it has even began.

living without hope. if you dont have hope, you have nothing.

therefore in the hood (and hoods have ppl of all races, creeds, color, ethnicity etc), ppl pray for rain to shake off the pains of everyday life, the pains that ppl outside of the hood can hardly imagine much less understand...

however, even ppl no longer in a hood, or that have never been in one, probably pray for rain, for the same reason. water from the sky is cleansing. it washes away lots of the trash in the streets, or the dog crap off the sidewalk in front of your houses, etc...ppl all over the world, pray for a cleansing of their souls...everyday.

so maybe we should stop teaching kids the little ditty "rain rain go away"...caus i dont want the rain to go away.

i deal with pain everyday. but somehow, someway, God always washes it away. maybe not as soon as IIII would like, but eventually, He removes it.

so when the rain changed everyone's plans or cancels a baseball game...i hope that im somewhere where i can smell it and listen and watch it. because it is beautiful...bc i know the sun will come out soon...once everything is nice and clean, and pristine...like it's suppose to be...and couldn't be, without the rain.

enjoy your rainy days. we wouldn;t appreciate the sunny ones without them.


theme for today: how much would your garden flourish without REGULAR downpours from the heavens....? (yeah i just made that up off top :) ...lol )


make the most of it man!


sincerely,
carlin