...but now i've got to fiiiind...my ownnn

i dont know where i belonnggg...but i'lll be moving on...

:) beyonce...paraphrased a bit by me. but that's from her song Listen, off the dreamgirls soundtrack. sooo. essence fest 2009 right here in the n.o. didnt plan to go to any of the shows, but so far 2 for 2 and gonna finish it out tonight :)

God is good. homie from waaay back had free tix the last two nights, and for tonight imma pay, but its more than worth it to see en vogue, maze's farewell and OH yeAH, my godbrother on the main stage with his high school band....yeahhh....got to.


man, it's so good to be back here in new orleans. i tell ya, my mind really does tick pretty good down here :) dont worry, my brain is good all over the world, but i seem to sort things out a little better down here at the bottom of the map.

i miss my fam tremendously and prob gonna head back to the eastcoast sooner than planned for that very reason. but it's amazing what distance and time can do. i'm so thankful.
i havent posted in a while and that's a relatively good thing, bc it is due to me FINALLY slowing down, to an extent, lol. (i'll prob always be pretty hyper, but not moving at warp speed anymore).

so, also, didnt have the motivation for a post, but juuuuust got some.

first off, beyonce gave me the first inkling fri night at her show. i love and respect beyonce, but i wasnt pressed to see her shw this year....esPESH after the BET awards joint....just wasnt my cup of tea, that's all. but, when my girl popped up with tickets for free ninety nine...well, yeah! :)
** lol an sidenote, new orleanians wait till the LAST min on essence tickets cause it's so likely someoneeeee will have a hookup or total freebie...case in point :)


so beyonce was doing her thing as always, she is an AMAZING performer, but when she sang Listen, i heard it in a whole new way.

i didnt really like the song much before that night. now, im sitting here LISTENing to LISTEN as i type :)

to me, the song put into words some of the feelings ive had lately. ive gone at it a bit with some of the ppl that i care about the most in this world...and in a way, i think part of my frustration and in turn anger stemmed from feeling like they werent LISTENINGGGG to me. i was yellin so much cause i was trying to be heard, but there were issues on both sides, especially mine, bc i wasnt doing very much listening either.

thats all a longgggggger story for another day, but i just wanted to mention that Bey really brought some light into my sitch. at one point she says
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
liii iiiss iisss sten :)

like i said, more to the story but not right now. im just glad to realize that im getting clearer on some of the issues in my life.


also, watching bey reminded me that i am an amazing woman,,,too many women, like me, forget that tooo often.

this past week ive been getting used to my new hair...ie lack thereof. i reallllyyy like it. i do, and i'd say if i didnt...but, im so not totally used to it yet. and my long hair was a security blanket in a way...

now, i get more looks because ppl are like oh wait, she doesnt have anyyyy hair. :) and im gettin used to what carlin looks like, because before i more saw carlin with hair...now its JUST CARLIN.

so i'll admit, more often than i'd prefer this past week, ive been a little down on myself. but this has been a lesson to me, no one can make you feel as bad as you make yourself feel. i finally woke up and said all these negative thots im having about myself..I HAVE TO STOP THEM. my parents cant, you cant.,,only i can manage how i feel about me.

so im very thankful to say that i am embracing and appreciating who carlin really is. i am very thankful for this journey.


and this journey soooo has a lot more to it :) ok bout to add another post but that's it for this one. :) lyrics to Listen below





lyrics:
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own