maybe its the weather..nahh, just miii

hola.

so. one of my main reasons for starting this blog was because i have a lot to say, and some of the personal ish is particularly interesting. at least in my opinion...and the opinion of some of those that were facebook following my updates, lol.

quite frankly, i have become a different person. i have always been very bold and headstrong, but it reached a new level this year. and i attribute that to my experiences. let's get into some of those experiences.

this is an ongoing joint, so imma just start where i feel.

my ex, quay, was my first boyfriend really in my life. i had a young lil relationship in 10th grade, but nothing really happened, ie no sex etc. it was fun tho :)

when i got to college in 02, i FULLLYYY expected to start "enjoying life..ie guys" lol. i had a couple crushes, but they didnt pan out...so fast forward to senior year, and i was a little worried that i might end up alone forever...lol. but seriously.

then, around september of that year, quay stepped up. we'd known each other for years, but it became more, oddly enough (thanks Jarell :D).

and i took it from zero to 20 in a matter of seconds. finally had sex for the 1st time, at TWENTY ONNNE. yes, 21, you read that right. and well for lack of a better analogy, like TPAIN sang about...i was sprung... :)

there;s a whole lot to this story, as the saga that WAS (emphasis on WAS, cause it's a new day...) carlin and quay, lasted technically from Dec.2, 2005 to June 2, 2009....that's 3 and a half years folks.

only up until feb 2008 was it official, but after that we did the whole "breaK" song and dance, on and off, not together but monogamous etc etc....LOL!! ahh hindsight.

ao, 3.5 years, thats a long time in my opinion, especially for your first relationship., so this post will not encompass everything, only what i feel like chatting about right now.

and that's the lesson that you reaaaallly dont understand something until YOU go through it.

:) so. before some drama with quay, i was one of those ppl that nevvvver thot i could get cheated on. not cause i think im a supermodel or totalllyyyy irreplaceable ;), but more because i was just sure that the bond i would have with my boyfriend would be impenetrable...

well, and maybe some of you men out there will comment...it seems to happen rather indiscriminately. how many of us have said what was Eric Benet thinking when he cheated on Halle. I'm not callin myself Halle AT ALL, my point is, if it can happen to herrrrr, then it's just naive to say it will NEVER happen to me.

well, it happened. like i said, sooooo much more to the story, thats why this blog is ongoing. but after a chat with one of my cousins, i just felt like putting this ot there. before, i didnt think it was possible for one to love a person, but still cheat on them. now, and call it wishful if you like, i do think that can be the case. however, when you start a sexual situation with most women...feelings usually follow if you give it enough time. *that also is for another post, but it allllll ties in :).

with this blog, my overriding goal is to show that we ALLLL go through shit. sometimes, itt can get pretty ugly. but there is always beauty present, in that forgiveness, of ourselves, of others, and from God, always is possible.

quay and i are friends. that simple fact makes some that are close to me SICK. but, it';s my life. we;re not together, we;re not a couple, but we are friends. and a year ago if you'd have told me he'd tell me about TENNN chicks he'd cheated with...and seven others during our various "breaks"....well, a year ago i woulda said well i guess i'll be in jail and he'll be dead because AINT NO MOTHERFUCKING WAY. .........................

well. GOd changes things, lol. right before quay stood up like a man and came clean about all the shady shit he had done, God changed my life. God showed me forgiveness in a way i'd never seen before, so when i heard this worst shit i'd ever heard in my life, i was able to survive it, and NOT lose my mind (despite what some of yall may say :D).

the thing is, i finally got brought down to reality. i finally woke up and saw that no one is perfect except for G O D, and if you keep your faith in PEOPLE, you'll always end up fucked up. (pardon my cursing but its like that sometimes...im working to stop).

i had put quay ahead of EVERYTHINNGGG. yup, even God. so, in my opinion God said ok, lemme show you just how imperfect he is. and well, He did. that's where my poem, he and He and me came from...you can read it below, it's one of my first posts. i gave quay everything. and the only one that deserves everything from us, is God.

so, sometimes, God comes around, and He knocks you down,,,but just get back up, when God knocks you downnn.

lol. but for real, that Keri Hilson song is about God to me. God is the only one that could convince me quay wasnt perfect and never would be...but also that that was ok, because that is life!!!

once again, i knw you're tired of hearing it, but there's more to this story. when i feel like it, i'll get back on it, could be tonight, could be an hour from now...or it could NOT. lol. ya dig? in due time.

so basically these are just my thoughts. they are more up here for me than you, because for the first time ever i am ventinggggg, but i am putting my experiences out here because i think others can benefit, either by avoiding mistakes i made, or FORGIVING themselves for similar fuckups/mistakes/whatever you wanna call them.

part of my epiphany in march was learning that sharing your mistakes can 1. help others feel less pressure to conform, but most importantly, 2. to forgive themselves or others for some of their own issues.

too much potential is lost because we hold onto pure bullshit.

let it go.

it happens to the best of us, and we all make mistakes.

but keep living..ya got to.


more to commme :) these were just my thots, just my feelings at the time.

bout to sunbathe and cloud gaze, maybe hop in the pool if i get hot enough.

thanks for reading my diary. comments welcome :)

sincerely,
carlin


p.s. may add a special bonus (not words tho) to this post...stay tuned :)