long hair dont care :) for now

ok so it goes like this. i';ve already said it quite a few times but God is that DUDE.

so, he took care of my fam in a major way last november/december. my sister dealt with aplastic anemia. life threatening. but not cancer. before the diagnosis, they thot it may have been leukemia. now, being the smart ppl that my parents and sister are, they did not tell me it coulda been leukemia cause i would have driven from indy to va in 4.3 seconds flat. first semester exams...not for carlin...but it didnt come to that.

so, if you've been keeping up, my sister DID NOT have cancer, and she was/is also healed from the sickness she did have (and i mean healed and blessed in a big way, ie graduated this may, ON TIIIIME, from college, with HONORS...yeah, negroes and others dont graduate w their FULL health, on time...).

so, lots to be thankful for right. yeah, lots.

so around april im studying with a homie from law school, well actually pretending to study ie facebooking and talking, and she says carlin you could pull off a bald head.

LOL. okkk. thanks girly, but nawww, do you see how big my head is?? lol. trust me, i know i have a 5head, theres only more lurking below these locks.

but then she went on to tell me about this org called st.baldrick's day. basically ppl raise money by getting pledges baseed on them saying and then SHAVING their heads.

usually it's mostly guys, but when girls do it, it def pulls in more funds and attention. and the funds and attention go to finding a cure for childhood cancer.

lemme tie it all together for sommme of you out there.

when my homegirl mentioned this st.baldrick's piece, i thot that itd be a great way to show my concern for cancer patients, but also my elation that my sister was spared. so it's 50 50.

and the more i thot about it, the more i saw how maybe, for a little girl thats going through chemo and just lost her hair...maybe seeing an older girl/woman (slash bc i dont feel grown like a woman, but technically i am...i guess. almost) cut her hair may make that little girl feel less self conscious and sad.

maybe it wont. but im gonna take that chance.

here's the humorous part. lots of ppl dont think itl happen. and i am admitting, in the last month i had punked out and said i wasnt gonna do it and that i only wanted to do it to act out.

well, today i realized that i wanna do it to show my concern for anyone afflicted with cancer, bc it has touched us ALL in some way.

and yes, it will be liberating to cut my hair, which i have never done before aside from getting the ends clipped for maintenance.

i have no ideaaaa how i'll look, but worse case i'll throw a scarf on. and based on my fam's track record and a little indian in the blood our hair seems to grow pretty quickly. lol. but maybe it wontt. my reason for doing this is mainly the cancer funds, but also because i am not my hair.

its really funny, the most opposition ive gotten on this endeavor is from black men. being from new orleans, down there especially, long hair, light skin = you can have whatever you liiiike. lol. but for real. culturally we are just brain washed. dont worry, i could go on and on about this, but i shant, not tonight at least.

if someone is only interested cause of my hair, or mostly bc of it, thaaanks, but no thanks. i guess this will be a good way to find out right?? lol.

another small part of why i punked out was bc i was worried about a dude's reaction. sheeeeeeeeeeesh right. but yeah...i was like "i can just do relay for life instead...let's not take a chance and desert this long hair..., hEEE wont like it."

lol. i tell ya. life is a funny funny journey. so much is easier said than done.

so keep an eye out...imma put in work tomorrow on the specifics, already been in touch with the foundation. if you wanna help out in any way, getting your head shaved with me, or donating, or helping organize, or performing at the event, pipe up. should be going down about a month from now, in new orleans through my church. lets goooo :)


sincerely,
carlin


p.s. sooo not tryna be like kanye's cute chick, or cassie, or lala etc. i hope i look as cute as they do with it...but its a tosssss upppp. lol.

flashing...lights...

lol. kinda random, but i'll expand eventually. im just sideline watchn ppl out there, mostly (but not just) from my alma mater, that are hung up on celebrity. liiike, wanna be famous.

im not preaching, or teaching or JUDGING. just observing, and these are my thots.

if you're chasing a lifestyle, who defines that lifestyle?

have fun. i just think your real life, might pass you by...while you're styling...

ONE definition of style: a mode of living, as with respect to expense or display.

so when does the show end?

be real. fight the fake. bc anybody can be famous, just make sure its worthwhile, and worth remembering...are you part of the solution, or part of the problem? what will you be famous for...i'm just asking. i'd like to hear the answer, seriously. email or message me, tell us in the comments. :) cause im not a hater, i want us ALL to prosper. im just not blind either, and IN MY OPINION, a lotta yal are see thru, as in we see thru your facade.

transparency is good. falsifying you is not.

aGain, and i do this for the remedial ones, im not judging, get the money if you can, but doNt fake it. thats all.


only you can be you.


sincerely,
carlin

man...

not much to say. just that its a trip how emotions can rock you sometimes right? that particular person can say just the right thing to get under your skin and everything is out the window...

every blessing, every success, every miracle...it just gets overshadowed by the front and center bullshit that's sitting on your chest at this veryyy moment.

im sorry to curse and im really trying to stop especially bc my mom and my sister hate it. but sheeesh. sometimes its just like that.

i really have come to see that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes inthe morning ligght...

sometimes that weeping doesnt always mean tears, and most times, that night doesnt just mean a "night". but i know the morning will come...it always has.

i know im stubborn, i know i can be obstinate...but im working on it. lately some of the men in my life have just dropped the ball. but maybe it was me simply recognizing that they are merely human...and not the supermen i used to rely on. i dont think im needy, altho some may disagree...i simply seem to keep my expectations too high, re other people.

i really think that Obama is as strong and calm/collected as he is because he dealt with adversity early in life. like one of my best buds he grew up without his father. i think that dealing with that as a child makes you super strong, very quickly.

as always my thoughts are random, but ah well. this is my diary, it just so happens to be open to you.

early on my girl and obama learned that people will let you down. they each had tremendous families and support from friends, but at the end of the day, i think that they know that all they really have is themselves in this world. (fyi, i knw God is always with me, so when i say "i'm all i have" i mean re peOple...not Him)


i'm not a hermit. i'm not a recluse. i'm not cut off from the world. i have a stellar family and set of friends that i wouldnt trade.

sometimes tho, you just wanna be understood.

and when those closest to you dont understand, it simply sucks.

it simply feels like ugggh.

its an old saying, but dmx reiterated it. if you love something let it go, if it comes back, then it's really yours. < i used to think that only referred to romantic love with a guy, but now i see it applies to true friends and family. you can only explain and ask for but so much. eventually you gotta just let go, and let God and that person work it out.

and hopefully, they come back to you.

cause this is all really hard without you.

we were so close...and im NOTTT talking about juuust quay right now. shit. i have more to my life than him (you simply see his name on here & not others bc they cant handle it right now). i'm talking about someone i never thot would or could walk away. more importantly figuratively than literally. and maybe you didnt mean to, buut it feels like you're gone.

but.....weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes...in the morning light.

love will endure. its just kinda tough right now. but we'll make it.



sincerely,
carlin...aka bean...aka beans... :\


p.s. this post may not have made any sense to you...but it's what i needed to say.