pretty wings.

so, like i said below, more maxwell.

so i bought the cd this week, and just rode around new orleans that evening with the windows down, BB in the passenger seat, lol, and enjoying the songs.

not till tonight tho did i hear and read the words to pretty wings. i already loved the song, but it tied into a lot for me tonight.

i can be a little rash sometimes, but thats me. so in my back and forth with quay over being just friends or more or nothing or BLAH BLAH BLAAAAH....that stupid dance, roundaboutnessss...i said we shouldnt talk for a specific, extended amount of time...mostly cause i need to get all the way overr some stuff with him, and with myself. by myself.

as usually happens with me, ive hit road bumps along the way and wanted to call it off etc...but ive been able to maintain my resolve...except for one email, lol, but i asked him not to respond, and he didnt :) (even tho i only halfway meant that request...but its for the better.)

so, isnt it kinda funny how you have these new resolutions and your going along fine everyday and youre so proud of yourself, but then when it hits you, it hits you...!

lol.

had some of that today. but then, inadvertently...i really listened to pretty wings, and read the words...and then was like a haaaaaaa.

:)

1st few verses:
"time will bring the real end of our trial
one day there'll be no remnant
no trace no residual feelings within ya
one day u won't remember me

your face will be the reason i smile
but i will not see what i cannot have forever
i'll always love ya i hope you feel the same

you played me dirty your game was so bad
you toyed with my affliction had to fill out my prescription
found the remedy i had to set u FREE

away from me
to see clearly the way that love can be
when you are not with me
I HAD TO LEAVE, I HAD TO LIVE
I HAD TO LEAVE
I HAD TO LIVE
.......




>>> sooo much in those lines above.

but here's the really exciting part, after a while, i realized those words didnt just tie into my time getting over quay, but also w a few other loved ones in my life, and even with myself.

it's a hackneyed saying, but if you love something let it go...if it comes back then it's really yours etc etc...

we can always keep people in our hearts...but sometimes we physically and emotionally have to let go. and thats what ive had to do this summer, with more than just quay. with friends, w family, again, with myself.

ive been very blessed my whole life. but this summer has been the epitome of blessings, because i have been able to basically be a nomad and find myself in more ways than one...or should i say consciously proceed on the journey to really see who carlin is.

ive been blessed to stay with a friend and her fam for free here in new orleans, and also had the chance to NOT work, and live sparingly, and pretty much get reacquainted with my city and myself...

not many ppl have the option of just not "really" doing anything for an extended amt of time like this...therefore i am so grateful. i really needed this time, not just cause of quay, or any one person or thing, but because ive had a lot to sort out. and nothing is totally resolved or finito...but i have reached places i never thot i even had inside of me...

having this time has been priceless. i'll break it down in more detail eventually, but those lyrics above are not just about my ex.

ive been uptight since 84.

im finally loosening my grip on it all. on him. on me. on yal. on her. on that. on this.

im looking at the beauty of free flowing-ness. try as i may have, i cant control anything...not even me...all the way. when im exhausted, my body will shut down, whether i want it to or not.

so i think the beauty is in our reactions and our motivation, our continuing on,,,even through the storms and the really tough times ie LIFE.

i dont knw if maxwell was alluding to angels or birds or butterflies when he talked about pretty wings, but it makes me think of angels and butterflies mostly.

angels because quay called me his angel, and i eventually said the same about him, and in a way he still is because he taught me a lot, more good than bad. but i still had to let him spread his own wings while i spread mine. and that goes for the others in my life too, bc yall are all angels to an extent, we all bless each other in little ways, a lot of times those ways are unseen.

but i remember learning that when butterflies come out of that coccoon (sp?), their wings still have to dry and harden, before they can support flight.

i feel like my wings are getting stronger, like im really about to take flight. my friend Slim had something on twitter along the lines of vision is great, but doing and making that vision a reality is the harder, more imp part.

i have so many ideas, so many abilities....ive accomplished a lot in 24 years, but im really about to take flight. i dont have it mapped out, so it;ll be slightly reactionary...but i have some idea of whats coming next.

and lemme just say, its gonna be big, and it wouldnt be possible without strengthening myself mind body and most imp soul...a process which has really peaked in 2009. its a lifelong process, but it just hit mainstream, lol, it just got the spotlight put on it, in the world of carlin lewis. :)

so, i hear a lot when i hear that song, pretty wings.

let's fly :)



sincerely,
carlin