...and ladies if you're curious. and i mean curious as in a "what is she saying to the gentlemen" kinda way. lol..
okkkk. now this should be fun. (wow, that post below really was helpful in at least getting me to release a little bit, and now i can tap into more productive thots.)
ok so like to hear it, here it goes:
I AM AN ODDBALL. I AM WEIRD. I AM sooooo NOT LIKE EVRYONE ELSE.
that's just how it is. if you have evvver really gotten to know me:::well then you know this.
but i want to break it down a little bit, examine the situation, delve a litttullll deeper....lol!
this post is mainly to the gents, but its for whoever feels like taking a gander.
i...am weird. i know i already mentioned this, but when it comes to guys ie dating them, relationships with them, messing around with them, i am just weird.
now this is all just my opinion, but for some reason, i don;t need a guy like a lot of girls do.
case in point:
until the age of 21, i never knew what sex was like. lol. right, that means i didnt have sex until 21. now pls understand, im not bragging, it just was never "right". ya know what, i think this is a big part of it, the foundation...as a kid, my mom would hem me UPPPP if i was playing with my dolls or barbie etc and said "ooooh and here's her boyfriend..." etc. my mom and dad would be like "just play with the dolls!! she doesnt have to have a boyfriend, why can;t barbie just be fine doing what barbie wants to do...blah blah blah". lol. something like that, but the gist was, "you dont neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed a boyfriend/ stop rushing it." or at least that's what i got from it, lol. (mom and dad feel free to comment.)
so, being the extra, extremist that i am, i think i internalized that significantly. and that went on to make me into a girl that was quite alright and rather preferred being alone. i had a boyfriend my sophomore year of high school...we didnt get very far. he was definitely my first "puppy" love, and he taught me a lot, lol...like how learning geometry could be fun in more ways than one, ie the study rooms in the University of New Orleans library...lol. but even then, that amounted to lots of silly young kid kissing and feeling...but not much more. we had one and a half conversations about sex, and i may have hurt his feelings when i without hesitation half laughed and was like uhhh, no, i dont wanna have sex yet. period. end of story. thanks for the offer tho. not cause i didnt "love" him, but because even at like what, 16, i just kinda knew he wouldnt be my husband...(now that is still my homie and who knows, maybe the sparks will come back :D ) after him tho, my nextt boyfriend was not until the age of TWENTY ONE. lol. ok im not good at math so give me a minute...that was about 5 or so years chillin DOLO.
now before some of you start commenting all anonymous, lol, yes, i still had encounters with dudes. but they were so limited it's actually funny. you gentlemen reading this that can recall a kiss or something a little more, you are a part of a small group :) again, i am not bragging, im just explaining. my point is, i am very much programmed to be cool without a guy. in some ways, i flourish being truly single. so i am not playing you to the left or being a jerk or bitch when i say im really not tryna date right now. i REAAALLLY am not trying to date right now. it requires toooo much energy. i'm tryin to sort my life out, and truuuust me, tho you may wanna help with the filing, this is a deep journey. and i'm not really in the mood to do on the job training ya know...therefore i'd rather do it alone. at least for now.
so, im pretty much saying this bc some of yall are just not believing me. it almost seems like you think oh you must be talking to someone else and that's why you're not talking to me. NO. my life is complex, complicated, convuluted, lots of C words!! and i just know that until i;ve got CARLIN in a more solid place, i definitely can't be the girl or really close "friend" that's a girl, for you. we'd both be losing. and of course there's more to it as well, ie that good 3.5 relationship that juuuust got wrapped up. that's a whole nother TEN posts, but they're coming.
my point guys...pls just let me breathe a little ok? im not saying any of yall are being a-holes, cause i would TELL you...but i'm saying respect my wishes, esp when i tell you i need yal to back up a little. we can be friends, lets be cool, we can even hang out (at myyyy discretion)...but pls STOP telling me what i need and that what i need is YOU. that's why i changed my number, that;s why im not giving out my number...lol. because when i;ve been straight up with some of yal, you;ve acted like I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED.
well young sirs...i do. and right now, that's just not you. it may change. it very well might. but until then, just give it some time. youuu very well may be my future husband...but i am NOT READY to see or even consider that. i wanna get myself straight...so let me. trust me, you annnd i will be the better for it.
***this post is not to pump myself up and be like "oooh guys want me". it's to be real. ive said these things to multiple dudes individually but i dont seem to be getting through. so maybe up on the orange background it;ll come out more clearly.****
let;s just be FRIENDS ok. FRIENDS text, FRIENDS talk, but FRIENDS dont try to pressure each other to be MORE than FRIENDS:) (or drive drunk)
and if it pops off, it pops off. but right now, it aint poppin. comprende?? and like i said, until the age of 21, i was pretty content without a dude...dabbled here and there, but nothing serious. i'm gonna take it there again for a little while. just me myself and i.
im not mad. im not anti-men. im really not bitter. im just chillin. i'll be dating again one day...but its just not today.
trust me.
thanks for listening.
sincerely,
carlin
6.08.2009
why do we do it to ourselves...whyyyy??!
i don't even know where this particular post is going...but i know i need to say SOMETHING.
that's the point of my blog. it would be great if i could make some money off this joint, but i got it up and running because i need to vent.
all my life i have been something of a sounding board for others, and ive buried my own issues, hurts, pains, frustrations etc deep inside. finally i am realizing and accepting that what you don't LET out, you'll ACT out.
and im done acting out. i want my actions to be deliberate, and not in response to inner captivity.
ok, so, this morning, i woke up with my mind on my PROBLEMS. and that is notttt cool. On March 17, 2009 i had an epiphany. God woke me up. and since then, i've been waking up and my first thought is of Him. not a dude, not my parents, not even my cute lil doggie, but of God. and it has been so comforting.
but yet, today, i woke up with knots in my stomach worrying about life. now, i know life will always include problems...but money seems to be one of the main jerkoff culprits. i tell ya. i totally believe it is better to give than to receive...so oprah or bill gates should GIVE me a mil so i can get some of these amazing ideas of mine popping....annd pay my car note at the same time.
LOL, ok ppl, focus. no, i dont want a hand out. i just want MORE OPTIONS.
stay with me.
what's the mantra when you're growing up regarding a career??? DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. well back then, i really wanted to be a teacher, like my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Murray....she was the BEST!! obsessed with those odd troll toys, but THE BEST!! but then you know what happened? i grew up and found out teachers dont make very much dinero...and that is sad. now, my dad told me about a program in new york looking to pay teachers six figures, and im hoping this model catches on...but for the sake of argument, lets just keep in mind the past and still current pymt for most teachers. and i'll beat the dead horse, but clearly teachers are the most important thing to our kids after the actual parents...in my opinion.
but no. instead, many of us put off our dreams and desired goals because we gotta be realistic. like this summer. i could have broken my neck and gotten one of those high paying internships at a law firm...but i also would hve wanted to throttle myself mutltiple times during the day. instead, i will spend my summer rebuilding MY CITY with habitat for humanity, working with my church, and possibly volunteering with the public defender;s office....but how much money you think imma make from those three endeavors??? exaaaactly, not a dag on cent!!! and until my honda pymt is free ninety nine...well i just dont know.
i'll get ready to wrap this up bc maybe my time would be better spent looking for some grants or something, but i could go on and on about this money issue. but you know what, yeah, here we go...im gonna look at this a different way.
when i woke up i was laying in my bed with the worry that i mentioned earlier...and FINALLY it dawned on me, "are you serious"??! God blesses me nonstop everyday, and not to mention He throws in miracles on top of that. but yet i INSIST on sitting here feeling somewhat sorry for myself because of money problems. i'll be quick to tell someone else how God is all iiiii need, but then will worry myself sick about some worldly possessions that i miiight miss a payment on (lol, i tell ya...). so i need to cut it out right NOW. it's easier said than done...but seriously. yesterday God moved my parents to join the church that i joined about a month ago (under watchcare...CUBC in the N.O. is home). you'll learn more about our family soon, but suffice it to say i had been praying for that breakthrough, because as the pastor said yesterday, before God does anything for us physically, he has to heal us spiritually. so i was witness to the first steps of this process, less than 12 HOURS ago, and yet i have the audacity to sit here and fret! ugh, so not only am i worrying, but now i;m also ANNOYED with myself for this worry.
so maybe i just need to get up and keep on moving. yeeah. i just sat here wondering what am i suppose to do??? how do i shake this feeling??? and so far, my best guess is i need to get up...and get to work. not the typa work imma get a weekly check for, but the typa work i know i am suppose to be doing. so imma get to it.
i think i'll have more to write later on today, including an update on how the day went, and also some of my other more lofty thots, lol, like that hiroshima/lil wayne post, etc etc etc.
thanks to those of you who read/listened. obv i have a lot on my mind, always....but its time for me to start sharing. hope you have a great day!!! cause it's already blessed, remember that (i need to as well).
sincerely,
carlin
that's the point of my blog. it would be great if i could make some money off this joint, but i got it up and running because i need to vent.
all my life i have been something of a sounding board for others, and ive buried my own issues, hurts, pains, frustrations etc deep inside. finally i am realizing and accepting that what you don't LET out, you'll ACT out.
and im done acting out. i want my actions to be deliberate, and not in response to inner captivity.
ok, so, this morning, i woke up with my mind on my PROBLEMS. and that is notttt cool. On March 17, 2009 i had an epiphany. God woke me up. and since then, i've been waking up and my first thought is of Him. not a dude, not my parents, not even my cute lil doggie, but of God. and it has been so comforting.
but yet, today, i woke up with knots in my stomach worrying about life. now, i know life will always include problems...but money seems to be one of the main jerkoff culprits. i tell ya. i totally believe it is better to give than to receive...so oprah or bill gates should GIVE me a mil so i can get some of these amazing ideas of mine popping....annd pay my car note at the same time.
LOL, ok ppl, focus. no, i dont want a hand out. i just want MORE OPTIONS.
stay with me.
what's the mantra when you're growing up regarding a career??? DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. well back then, i really wanted to be a teacher, like my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Murray....she was the BEST!! obsessed with those odd troll toys, but THE BEST!! but then you know what happened? i grew up and found out teachers dont make very much dinero...and that is sad. now, my dad told me about a program in new york looking to pay teachers six figures, and im hoping this model catches on...but for the sake of argument, lets just keep in mind the past and still current pymt for most teachers. and i'll beat the dead horse, but clearly teachers are the most important thing to our kids after the actual parents...in my opinion.
but no. instead, many of us put off our dreams and desired goals because we gotta be realistic. like this summer. i could have broken my neck and gotten one of those high paying internships at a law firm...but i also would hve wanted to throttle myself mutltiple times during the day. instead, i will spend my summer rebuilding MY CITY with habitat for humanity, working with my church, and possibly volunteering with the public defender;s office....but how much money you think imma make from those three endeavors??? exaaaactly, not a dag on cent!!! and until my honda pymt is free ninety nine...well i just dont know.
i'll get ready to wrap this up bc maybe my time would be better spent looking for some grants or something, but i could go on and on about this money issue. but you know what, yeah, here we go...im gonna look at this a different way.
when i woke up i was laying in my bed with the worry that i mentioned earlier...and FINALLY it dawned on me, "are you serious"??! God blesses me nonstop everyday, and not to mention He throws in miracles on top of that. but yet i INSIST on sitting here feeling somewhat sorry for myself because of money problems. i'll be quick to tell someone else how God is all iiiii need, but then will worry myself sick about some worldly possessions that i miiight miss a payment on (lol, i tell ya...). so i need to cut it out right NOW. it's easier said than done...but seriously. yesterday God moved my parents to join the church that i joined about a month ago (under watchcare...CUBC in the N.O. is home). you'll learn more about our family soon, but suffice it to say i had been praying for that breakthrough, because as the pastor said yesterday, before God does anything for us physically, he has to heal us spiritually. so i was witness to the first steps of this process, less than 12 HOURS ago, and yet i have the audacity to sit here and fret! ugh, so not only am i worrying, but now i;m also ANNOYED with myself for this worry.
so maybe i just need to get up and keep on moving. yeeah. i just sat here wondering what am i suppose to do??? how do i shake this feeling??? and so far, my best guess is i need to get up...and get to work. not the typa work imma get a weekly check for, but the typa work i know i am suppose to be doing. so imma get to it.
i think i'll have more to write later on today, including an update on how the day went, and also some of my other more lofty thots, lol, like that hiroshima/lil wayne post, etc etc etc.
thanks to those of you who read/listened. obv i have a lot on my mind, always....but its time for me to start sharing. hope you have a great day!!! cause it's already blessed, remember that (i need to as well).
sincerely,
carlin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
