i do care.

i want you to know that. as i continue to slow down, i see that my brashness, my fearlessness, my focus...sometimes it seems like i dont care.

but tonight i accepted something and wanted you to know...i do care.

i do care what otherr people think, and how you feel.


...but it will not make or break me. see, many of you, in fact EVERYONE, even the inner circle, can say that since about march of this year, i am a different person.

well here's a big part of the difference. ive always had many of these same thoughts and feelings inside of me. but life, life finally pulled them out. and i dont think im unique in this. i think that ppl look at this blog bc in some way they relate, and for some of you, im sayin stuff thats not far off of what you at some point have thought or felt....but for SOME reason, did not share.

since i was a child, i have always cared greatly for other ppl.

my ex called it being too nice, others call it being extra, family sometimes calls it naivety and vulnerability.

but here's the thing ppl. i really am not scared of much in this world. im not bragging. i just really am not. i'm not scared of black dudes at night with hoodies. im not scared of bald white guys with rebel flag tatts in mississippi. im not scared of dick cheney on a hunting trip...

not because i think im invincible. but because i know that we are all ppl. i know that you are someone;s child just like me, and most importantly, IN my OPINION, we all come from the same creator.

and also, i can see your humanness.

i may have just made that word up, but it's perfect.

you prob already consider me a little weird and thats good :). because i mean it, no matter how bad someone may seem, i always can imagine them laughing with someone, caring about someone, hurting about something.

that's why i smile at ppl when they pass me. not cause i want your number...but bc we;re both human, passing by, on the same street, at the same time. and im just saying hi.

this post kinda came out of me reflecting on the past few months...cause they've been filled with conflict with the ppl i love the most. and when im alone i just sit and wonder what the heck am i doing to drive these wedges between us????? sometimes my anger and frustration comes out sooooooo wrong. sometimes im soooooo fucking mean. and im sorry to curse but thats the perfect description. my meanness pushes the ones i care about most away. it makes them question how much i love them, or even want them with me.


life is so intense because its really a challenge to say and do what you really MEAN. im sitting here crying as i type this because if i could lay my heart out for each of you to read my true intent and desires, then everything would be fine again. we would all understand each other, and most importantly to me, you would understand my goals.

i started this blog alone bc i wanted it to be a family endeavor. but ever since i got back from school, we've been too preoccuppied w issssues to do it. so i went ahead. << this is a perfect example of my motivation behind many of my actions. this blog is not only to help me, its to help others possibly feel like they are not ALONE in some of their mistakes, falters, doubts, and confusions. bc when i was really down, God gave me other ppl that shared their own pains with me. and it made me forgive myself. it made me stop beating myself up.

thats why in one of my older posts i say kids in bad living situations arent trippin off what carlin lewis puts on facebook etc. they're hurting bc their mom is strung out and the dont know their father.
and my goal is to change shit like that. pardon my french. but that's exactly what those situations are, unnecessary bullshit caused by ppl that arent being responsible for a LOT of reasons.

i am going to help make this a better world. and if i ever seem like i dont care about something between us, its because im seeing bigger issues. too many ppl are suffering!!!!!

i know our lives seeeeem really hard right now, but if you're able, like me, to even access a computer whenever you please, then you are better off than a lot of others.

its cyclical. the problems in this world keep repeating themselves.

caring will help solve them. it sounds corny but that's cause it's simple.

si many of us have great care inside our hearts...but how often do we show it? instead, bc its a cold bitter world, we face most days, cold, and bitter. but why??? doesnt it feel better to see a freaking smile than a scowl. just try it. and when we get past a lot of the unnecessary or MINOR issues, then we can start conquering these mountains of CRAP we;ve all helped build.

so like i said. i do care. i care so much, about all of yall, my family, my friends, my ex friends, my enemies, and the strangers. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i like it like that. bc maybe itl touch someone who;s never seen someone else's heart.

maybe it wont...but im willing to take that chance.

and dont worry, im not reckless nor naive. my life has taught me a lot. ive seen that you can find bad anywhere, but thankfully there is good everywhere too.

we all have the propensity to be whatever we want. i want to be a believer...i want to keep believing that we can make a change. i want to keep believing that change really is gon come.

pls. think a lotta things about me....im a jerk, im a smartass, im bossy, im tempermental, im needy, im extra, im hyper, im persistent etc etc...but pls dont ever think i dont care.

i dont even like when ppl answer questions like "can i borrow this?" with an "i dont care"....lol


once again, another disjointed, mind of carlin rant kinda sorta...but it kept me from falling asleep. sometimes my pride gets in the way and i dont show it...but i care. i wont let any of you bring me down...but in some way, i will always care...thats why i havent just up and moved into the unabombers vacant cabin...cause i wanna interact, i wanna work together, i wanna be a part of you guys, not APART. :)

im just a little different. im just a little rough around ALL edges. but i do thnk we;ll figure it out...soon.

love you all.

thanks for reading. this really is fun...tears and all.


sincerely,
carlin


p.s. i dont cry nearly as much as i used to...so the tears that fell tonight....priceless.