i used to...

wow. so it's been a while, and i really appreciate those of you that asked about the blog and said that you missed reading my wiiild, random rantings... :)

i've been pretty quiet in more ways than one lately, and as i've said before, i think it all really ties into the journey and process that actually equals life in general....it'll never end. i think it is meant for us to keep learning and growing, sometimes w growing pains, every day of our lives.

for those of you that have been reading this blog since the beginning, i would think you can see some difference from the HYPER, pretty non-stop Carlin that was in charge around late spring of 09. no worries...that wasn't a bad thing, that's just where i was and what i was going through, back then. i think a good way to describe things is that i was rebooting back then, imo. as some of ya'll know, or will eventually learn, 2009 was a year of PROFOUND changes, lessons, hardships, victories, disappointments, EveryTHinG, for me. it was an amazing year of good and bad but totally the most dynamic, unique, and influential year of my LIFE. so yeah, when this blog started, i had a lotttttt to get out.

i still have a lot to say, it just comes out different now.

i don't know how often i'll be posting, it'll just happen, but i am glad that i got a little inspiration to write, because i did miss it.

so. the overall reason behind this post is how i reconnected with an oldddd song yesterday. i caught part of sister act II on tv two nights ago, and of course i just sat there in awe of LAURYN HILL in all of her parts of the movie. that and some twitter postings made me nostalgic and i played her album yesterday and this morning while getting ready for school.

and then....oMg. so number uhhh 8 i think, "I used to"...it hit me.

i've been listening to and reciting that album since it came out...when i was about 12 maybe, give or take. but yesterday, that song hit more than a chord with me...it WaS me.

i could go on and on about this, and i may come back and do that, but for now, imma keep it relatively simple.

part of my troubles and trials and learning last year (slash the last four plus years, including the beginning of this one), involved my first love/boyfriend, and getting over that failed relationship. i could notttt let go. and im still not all the way over it. but im getting there...and that's a good thing.

as i was listening to that song tho, i literally felt a feeling of hope i hadnt had...ever. like i KNEW that other ppl had had their hearts broken and had to move on from someone that they didn't want to let go...but the words that Lauryn and Mary J were singing, it just felt like they were reading my story. and like i said, i knew this song inside and out years ago...but not until yesterday did i feel it.

i had given all of myself to someone that one, didn't want all of me, and wasn't ready for what iii thought i needed. in the midst of giving my all to someone that didnt even want it, i neglected people that truly love me, and worst of all, put him ahead of God. that was my fault. we both made mistakes but i take responsibilty for how i put him on a pedestal. that was my fault.

but the reason i talk about this and other experiences in my life is because i know i am not the only one going through or that ever will go through it. and telling my pitfalls and successes will only help someone else in their path, just like lauryn and mary j bearing their pain and broken hearts helped this random girl in 2010...years after they made the song.

like i said, i could go onnnn, and onnnn, but the lyrics are below, and here are a few in particular that woke my heart up.

"I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend
See, torn and confused, wasted and used

Thought what I wanted was somethin' I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded

Father, you saved me and you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets and deeper than any ocean"



::this isnt about him or what he did or why he didnt make us work...it's about me tapping into the fact that there is life after what admittedly felt like something of a death. felt like i couldnt love again......lol, lol not cause i'm so beyond it, but because when you finally see past those clouds, the wide expanse that is ahead will blow you away.



Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't, now I don't

As I look at what I've done, the type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the Father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses and blurred my sight

And I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend
See, torn and confused, wasted and used
Reached the crossroad, which path would I choose?

Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For somethin' to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was somethin' I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded
Misled, I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him, but now I don't
I used to love him, yeah yeah yeah, but now I don't

Father, you saved me and you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets and deeper than any ocean
See, my soul was weary, but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is guilty, I took back my soul
And totally let my Creator control
The life which was his
The life which was his, to begin with

Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't
Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't

Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't
Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't, now I don't

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him, yeah yeah yeah, but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't