why do we do it to ourselves...whyyyy??!

i don't even know where this particular post is going...but i know i need to say SOMETHING.

that's the point of my blog. it would be great if i could make some money off this joint, but i got it up and running because i need to vent.

all my life i have been something of a sounding board for others, and ive buried my own issues, hurts, pains, frustrations etc deep inside. finally i am realizing and accepting that what you don't LET out, you'll ACT out.

and im done acting out. i want my actions to be deliberate, and not in response to inner captivity.

ok, so, this morning, i woke up with my mind on my PROBLEMS. and that is notttt cool. On March 17, 2009 i had an epiphany. God woke me up. and since then, i've been waking up and my first thought is of Him. not a dude, not my parents, not even my cute lil doggie, but of God. and it has been so comforting.

but yet, today, i woke up with knots in my stomach worrying about life. now, i know life will always include problems...but money seems to be one of the main jerkoff culprits. i tell ya. i totally believe it is better to give than to receive...so oprah or bill gates should GIVE me a mil so i can get some of these amazing ideas of mine popping....annd pay my car note at the same time.

LOL, ok ppl, focus. no, i dont want a hand out. i just want MORE OPTIONS.
stay with me.

what's the mantra when you're growing up regarding a career??? DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. well back then, i really wanted to be a teacher, like my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Murray....she was the BEST!! obsessed with those odd troll toys, but THE BEST!! but then you know what happened? i grew up and found out teachers dont make very much dinero...and that is sad. now, my dad told me about a program in new york looking to pay teachers six figures, and im hoping this model catches on...but for the sake of argument, lets just keep in mind the past and still current pymt for most teachers. and i'll beat the dead horse, but clearly teachers are the most important thing to our kids after the actual parents...in my opinion.

but no. instead, many of us put off our dreams and desired goals because we gotta be realistic. like this summer. i could have broken my neck and gotten one of those high paying internships at a law firm...but i also would hve wanted to throttle myself mutltiple times during the day. instead, i will spend my summer rebuilding MY CITY with habitat for humanity, working with my church, and possibly volunteering with the public defender;s office....but how much money you think imma make from those three endeavors??? exaaaactly, not a dag on cent!!! and until my honda pymt is free ninety nine...well i just dont know.

i'll get ready to wrap this up bc maybe my time would be better spent looking for some grants or something, but i could go on and on about this money issue. but you know what, yeah, here we go...im gonna look at this a different way.

when i woke up i was laying in my bed with the worry that i mentioned earlier...and FINALLY it dawned on me, "are you serious"??! God blesses me nonstop everyday, and not to mention He throws in miracles on top of that. but yet i INSIST on sitting here feeling somewhat sorry for myself because of money problems. i'll be quick to tell someone else how God is all iiiii need, but then will worry myself sick about some worldly possessions that i miiight miss a payment on (lol, i tell ya...). so i need to cut it out right NOW. it's easier said than done...but seriously. yesterday God moved my parents to join the church that i joined about a month ago (under watchcare...CUBC in the N.O. is home). you'll learn more about our family soon, but suffice it to say i had been praying for that breakthrough, because as the pastor said yesterday, before God does anything for us physically, he has to heal us spiritually. so i was witness to the first steps of this process, less than 12 HOURS ago, and yet i have the audacity to sit here and fret! ugh, so not only am i worrying, but now i;m also ANNOYED with myself for this worry.


so maybe i just need to get up and keep on moving. yeeah. i just sat here wondering what am i suppose to do??? how do i shake this feeling??? and so far, my best guess is i need to get up...and get to work. not the typa work imma get a weekly check for, but the typa work i know i am suppose to be doing. so imma get to it.
i think i'll have more to write later on today, including an update on how the day went, and also some of my other more lofty thots, lol, like that hiroshima/lil wayne post, etc etc etc.

thanks to those of you who read/listened. obv i have a lot on my mind, always....but its time for me to start sharing. hope you have a great day!!! cause it's already blessed, remember that (i need to as well).


sincerely,
carlin