maybe its the weather..nahh, just miii

hola.

so. one of my main reasons for starting this blog was because i have a lot to say, and some of the personal ish is particularly interesting. at least in my opinion...and the opinion of some of those that were facebook following my updates, lol.

quite frankly, i have become a different person. i have always been very bold and headstrong, but it reached a new level this year. and i attribute that to my experiences. let's get into some of those experiences.

this is an ongoing joint, so imma just start where i feel.

my ex, quay, was my first boyfriend really in my life. i had a young lil relationship in 10th grade, but nothing really happened, ie no sex etc. it was fun tho :)

when i got to college in 02, i FULLLYYY expected to start "enjoying life..ie guys" lol. i had a couple crushes, but they didnt pan out...so fast forward to senior year, and i was a little worried that i might end up alone forever...lol. but seriously.

then, around september of that year, quay stepped up. we'd known each other for years, but it became more, oddly enough (thanks Jarell :D).

and i took it from zero to 20 in a matter of seconds. finally had sex for the 1st time, at TWENTY ONNNE. yes, 21, you read that right. and well for lack of a better analogy, like TPAIN sang about...i was sprung... :)

there;s a whole lot to this story, as the saga that WAS (emphasis on WAS, cause it's a new day...) carlin and quay, lasted technically from Dec.2, 2005 to June 2, 2009....that's 3 and a half years folks.

only up until feb 2008 was it official, but after that we did the whole "breaK" song and dance, on and off, not together but monogamous etc etc....LOL!! ahh hindsight.

ao, 3.5 years, thats a long time in my opinion, especially for your first relationship., so this post will not encompass everything, only what i feel like chatting about right now.

and that's the lesson that you reaaaallly dont understand something until YOU go through it.

:) so. before some drama with quay, i was one of those ppl that nevvvver thot i could get cheated on. not cause i think im a supermodel or totalllyyyy irreplaceable ;), but more because i was just sure that the bond i would have with my boyfriend would be impenetrable...

well, and maybe some of you men out there will comment...it seems to happen rather indiscriminately. how many of us have said what was Eric Benet thinking when he cheated on Halle. I'm not callin myself Halle AT ALL, my point is, if it can happen to herrrrr, then it's just naive to say it will NEVER happen to me.

well, it happened. like i said, sooooo much more to the story, thats why this blog is ongoing. but after a chat with one of my cousins, i just felt like putting this ot there. before, i didnt think it was possible for one to love a person, but still cheat on them. now, and call it wishful if you like, i do think that can be the case. however, when you start a sexual situation with most women...feelings usually follow if you give it enough time. *that also is for another post, but it allllll ties in :).

with this blog, my overriding goal is to show that we ALLLL go through shit. sometimes, itt can get pretty ugly. but there is always beauty present, in that forgiveness, of ourselves, of others, and from God, always is possible.

quay and i are friends. that simple fact makes some that are close to me SICK. but, it';s my life. we;re not together, we;re not a couple, but we are friends. and a year ago if you'd have told me he'd tell me about TENNN chicks he'd cheated with...and seven others during our various "breaks"....well, a year ago i woulda said well i guess i'll be in jail and he'll be dead because AINT NO MOTHERFUCKING WAY. .........................

well. GOd changes things, lol. right before quay stood up like a man and came clean about all the shady shit he had done, God changed my life. God showed me forgiveness in a way i'd never seen before, so when i heard this worst shit i'd ever heard in my life, i was able to survive it, and NOT lose my mind (despite what some of yall may say :D).

the thing is, i finally got brought down to reality. i finally woke up and saw that no one is perfect except for G O D, and if you keep your faith in PEOPLE, you'll always end up fucked up. (pardon my cursing but its like that sometimes...im working to stop).

i had put quay ahead of EVERYTHINNGGG. yup, even God. so, in my opinion God said ok, lemme show you just how imperfect he is. and well, He did. that's where my poem, he and He and me came from...you can read it below, it's one of my first posts. i gave quay everything. and the only one that deserves everything from us, is God.

so, sometimes, God comes around, and He knocks you down,,,but just get back up, when God knocks you downnn.

lol. but for real, that Keri Hilson song is about God to me. God is the only one that could convince me quay wasnt perfect and never would be...but also that that was ok, because that is life!!!

once again, i knw you're tired of hearing it, but there's more to this story. when i feel like it, i'll get back on it, could be tonight, could be an hour from now...or it could NOT. lol. ya dig? in due time.

so basically these are just my thoughts. they are more up here for me than you, because for the first time ever i am ventinggggg, but i am putting my experiences out here because i think others can benefit, either by avoiding mistakes i made, or FORGIVING themselves for similar fuckups/mistakes/whatever you wanna call them.

part of my epiphany in march was learning that sharing your mistakes can 1. help others feel less pressure to conform, but most importantly, 2. to forgive themselves or others for some of their own issues.

too much potential is lost because we hold onto pure bullshit.

let it go.

it happens to the best of us, and we all make mistakes.

but keep living..ya got to.


more to commme :) these were just my thots, just my feelings at the time.

bout to sunbathe and cloud gaze, maybe hop in the pool if i get hot enough.

thanks for reading my diary. comments welcome :)

sincerely,
carlin


p.s. may add a special bonus (not words tho) to this post...stay tuned :)

the atomic bomb and weezyWe...chea

"where i'm from you see a fucking dead body errryday" - weezyWe

yeah. real but sad. i've been a lot of places, Spain, Los Angeles, Jamaica, new york, VvvvvAaaaa, Denver, the list goes on...but the only place i;ve ever seen dead bodies...yup, the N.O. my hometown, New Orleans, Louisiana. here's the thing. everytime i saw a dead body that was the result of violence, esp over drugs or gangs, it made me MAD.

so a couple days ago when i laid down for a nap, i couldnt sleep, cause that pic of asian kids running after WE (the united states) dropped an atomic bomb on their land...it was in my head. and i decided that when i get the chance (and money, :D), imma have that joint blown up and put on my wall.



why?

because when you actually SEEEEE the devastation...it means more.

everyday we become desensitized by the news because they report killings in te same breath that they report on the circus. for many americans, theyve never seen a dead body in person. it;s psychological,. when you see it, it does somethng to your state of mind. that's why Bush and particularly Cheney did not allow US to see pictures of the MANY caskets returning from the Iraq/Afghanistan/DEBACLE wars...because Americans would have felt some kind of way....and maybe it wouldnt have been just one lonely mother of a fallen soldier protesting at Bush's ranch.

when i was laying there trying to turn my brain off so i could sleep, i realized that if more of us saw the actual processes and results of things that we allow, ie the death penalty, wars, and the things that we keep quiet about, ie drug and gang violence, things would be different.

so often we dont reeeally care or understand until we go through it. that's why one of my favorite quotes is "don't condemn what you don;t understand". i try to remember this often, cause sometimes i am quick to condemn others. but when i take the time to look at their situation, it usually makes more sense. even the kids in my home city of new orleans, and yes i do mean kids, that are killing each other, have a relatively "good" reason for it. many of them do it because it's retaliation or they are asserting themselves against those that have hurt the ones they love the most. i know kids whose parents are nowhere to be found...and the only family they have is the gang or kids on the block that they get down with. so when someone hurts one of their people...of course it's on. they dont see any other option.

my point in this post is that if those of us who already KNOW there;s other options than murder and gangs and atomic bombs etc etc would take some responsibility for our communities, regions, countries, and WORLD, then we can fix some of this!

im not as naive as i used to be, i know this world will never be perfect. but i surely think it can be better.

so look at these pictures. one embodies terror and massacre at the hands of a "government". the other, pain, suffering and death at the hands of a tortured soul.

join big brothers/big sisters. take some time to help someone worse off than you, and trust me, theres always someone worse off than you. the easiest part is it doesnt have to be a huge sacrifice. simply treating ppl like human beings rather than animals, or criminals, or deviants, is a start. take the time to speak to your fellow men and women and kids. simply saying hi goes a long way. in a small way it shows that you know we're in this together...so why not just say good morning.

i have a lot more to say about how the way you treat people effects (or affects, lol) the way people respond and sometimes act out, but that's another post...Hampton Police Department...wink wink...(it's coming....!).

look at the pictures. get a little mad, kinda sad, and then channel that energy. do what you can to cut down on bullshit like this. life is hard enough with cancer, famines, droughts etc etc etc!! let's stop adding to it with our own efffed up complications.

"i'm talking to the man in the mirror, he heeee,
i'm asking him to change his ways....
if you wanna make the world, a better place, take a look at yourself and then
make
a
chaaaaaaange...."

michael's a little confused about some stuff but he got that right. change starts with the one looking back at us in the mirror.

stop digesting bullshit or they'll keep feeding it to you, cause it's cheap and easy to find...(in my opinion).



sincerely,
carlin