title's kinda confusing huh.
this is what i mean. today was interesting...first i was exhausted after habitat the last few days and doing real manual labor...lol. but then i also had a lot of emotions going on to deal with...which is usually the case with me :)
i wasnt really searching for a conclusion to why i was feeling how i was, but when i finally got up and out, this dawned on me.
i spend a lot of time thinkng about, wanting, looking forward to solidifying something with the "right guy". with the guy that's gonna love me forever, for better or worse etc etc etc.
and then it dawned on me. ive been telling a lot of guys that im not looking to date etc because im getting to knw me, ie kinda finding myself, tying into that train of thot that you're not ready to love someone else till you sufficiently love yourself.
and as i was driving today, listening to maxwell still :), i realized that i treat a lot of people waaaaay better than i treat myself. i am quick to accomodate others. i wanna reduce the stress of others, try and make their lives easier. it ties into how i've said before i would do anything for my ex...and in the midst of all that pleasing...i never fully learned to love and please myself.
that's my opinion. i realized i want a man to love me unconditionally, and for better OR WORSE. but i havent been loving myself under those circumstances. i am my biggest critic, but im like one of these evil critics on tmz or something, always finding something wrong with myself, or wrong with how i look, or talk or act.
but yet, i want a man to love me and all my flaws. how can that happen before i love and embrace my own perceived shortcomings and areas to improve???
lol.
yeah. so i said to myself, Carlin, you gotta start loving yourself like you're loving someone else...do the special things you want someone else to do for you, because i think it will exponentially increase my self love and confidence.
im not bragging, but it's really surprised me how many men compliment my hair now that it's so short. of course some of them are prob just trying to get what they can get, but i genuinely believe a few of them...however i couldnt give myself the very same compliments. i kept seeing what was "wrong" with my hair or my look. i reacted very cynically when a few ppl were like "you're beautiful etc..." because i didnt think it of myself...therefore i thot they couldnt be for real.
but im seeing, the perception that matters the most is mine. i always knew that, but now im seeing how that affects everry moment. random but that made me think of MJ...RIP... if i had known him as a teen before the surgery, i woulda told him, as others had to have, that he was handsome, a cutie, a hot boy...and didnt need to change w surgery. like i said, im sure someone told him that, at some point before and during all of his changes.
but what mattered most to him...how hE saw hImself. he was striving for something that he needed, and even being the king of pop, ridiculed but loved by many, he still didnt quite love who he was.
and in a way, i understand that. i dont wear a ton of makeup but i do use it, esp eyeliner and mascara...and a lot of times im not extra comfortable without it. that has to change. makeup is fine, but not if im using it as a crutch and dont feel pretty without it...
this is all very random but it felt like a breakthrough to me today. neyo's ms.independent is one of my favorite songs, but now i get that it's not only about buying yourself your own stuff, it should be about making yourself feel special, by yourself...not through someone else's flattery. i should knw that im beautiful inside and out even if no one ever co-signs to that ever again.
i was created in His image, therefore i will always be beautiful, no matter what i look like.
i may be in the minority here as far as admitting or having these issues with myself,,,but i kinda doubt it, lol, whether or not you'll admit it.
it;s not just physical, its more than that. i'll better recognize when someone is loving me fully and suffiently if i start getting used to it...by loving myself that way now. and it's so many of the little things, like being lazy and not washing my face or brushing my teeth before bed, and not exercising, or keeping up with doctors appts, or cleaning my room so i wake up to beauty rather than a mess, lol, or preparing ahead of time and not stressing myself out at the last minute...etc etc etc. the type of stuff where if someone else wouldnt do it for me, i might say how can you love me if you cant do this, or that.
lol. but yet i wasnt doin them for myself.
so, new challenge.
that's my goal. i have a lot to do, but imma stop beating myself up for not being perfect in any way. i never will be.
i'm me.
flaws and all.
lol.
nice to meet ya.
sincerely,
carlin
7.11.2009
pretty wings.
so, like i said below, more maxwell.
so i bought the cd this week, and just rode around new orleans that evening with the windows down, BB in the passenger seat, lol, and enjoying the songs.
not till tonight tho did i hear and read the words to pretty wings. i already loved the song, but it tied into a lot for me tonight.
i can be a little rash sometimes, but thats me. so in my back and forth with quay over being just friends or more or nothing or BLAH BLAH BLAAAAH....that stupid dance, roundaboutnessss...i said we shouldnt talk for a specific, extended amount of time...mostly cause i need to get all the way overr some stuff with him, and with myself. by myself.
as usually happens with me, ive hit road bumps along the way and wanted to call it off etc...but ive been able to maintain my resolve...except for one email, lol, but i asked him not to respond, and he didnt :) (even tho i only halfway meant that request...but its for the better.)
so, isnt it kinda funny how you have these new resolutions and your going along fine everyday and youre so proud of yourself, but then when it hits you, it hits you...!
lol.
had some of that today. but then, inadvertently...i really listened to pretty wings, and read the words...and then was like a haaaaaaa.
:)
1st few verses:
"time will bring the real end of our trial
one day there'll be no remnant
no trace no residual feelings within ya
one day u won't remember me
your face will be the reason i smile
but i will not see what i cannot have forever
i'll always love ya i hope you feel the same
you played me dirty your game was so bad
you toyed with my affliction had to fill out my prescription
found the remedy i had to set u FREE
away from me
to see clearly the way that love can be
when you are not with me
I HAD TO LEAVE, I HAD TO LIVE
I HAD TO LEAVE
I HAD TO LIVE
.......
>>> sooo much in those lines above.
but here's the really exciting part, after a while, i realized those words didnt just tie into my time getting over quay, but also w a few other loved ones in my life, and even with myself.
it's a hackneyed saying, but if you love something let it go...if it comes back then it's really yours etc etc...
we can always keep people in our hearts...but sometimes we physically and emotionally have to let go. and thats what ive had to do this summer, with more than just quay. with friends, w family, again, with myself.
ive been very blessed my whole life. but this summer has been the epitome of blessings, because i have been able to basically be a nomad and find myself in more ways than one...or should i say consciously proceed on the journey to really see who carlin is.
ive been blessed to stay with a friend and her fam for free here in new orleans, and also had the chance to NOT work, and live sparingly, and pretty much get reacquainted with my city and myself...
not many ppl have the option of just not "really" doing anything for an extended amt of time like this...therefore i am so grateful. i really needed this time, not just cause of quay, or any one person or thing, but because ive had a lot to sort out. and nothing is totally resolved or finito...but i have reached places i never thot i even had inside of me...
having this time has been priceless. i'll break it down in more detail eventually, but those lyrics above are not just about my ex.
ive been uptight since 84.
im finally loosening my grip on it all. on him. on me. on yal. on her. on that. on this.
im looking at the beauty of free flowing-ness. try as i may have, i cant control anything...not even me...all the way. when im exhausted, my body will shut down, whether i want it to or not.
so i think the beauty is in our reactions and our motivation, our continuing on,,,even through the storms and the really tough times ie LIFE.
i dont knw if maxwell was alluding to angels or birds or butterflies when he talked about pretty wings, but it makes me think of angels and butterflies mostly.
angels because quay called me his angel, and i eventually said the same about him, and in a way he still is because he taught me a lot, more good than bad. but i still had to let him spread his own wings while i spread mine. and that goes for the others in my life too, bc yall are all angels to an extent, we all bless each other in little ways, a lot of times those ways are unseen.
but i remember learning that when butterflies come out of that coccoon (sp?), their wings still have to dry and harden, before they can support flight.
i feel like my wings are getting stronger, like im really about to take flight. my friend Slim had something on twitter along the lines of vision is great, but doing and making that vision a reality is the harder, more imp part.
i have so many ideas, so many abilities....ive accomplished a lot in 24 years, but im really about to take flight. i dont have it mapped out, so it;ll be slightly reactionary...but i have some idea of whats coming next.
and lemme just say, its gonna be big, and it wouldnt be possible without strengthening myself mind body and most imp soul...a process which has really peaked in 2009. its a lifelong process, but it just hit mainstream, lol, it just got the spotlight put on it, in the world of carlin lewis. :)
so, i hear a lot when i hear that song, pretty wings.
let's fly :)
sincerely,
carlin
so i bought the cd this week, and just rode around new orleans that evening with the windows down, BB in the passenger seat, lol, and enjoying the songs.
not till tonight tho did i hear and read the words to pretty wings. i already loved the song, but it tied into a lot for me tonight.
i can be a little rash sometimes, but thats me. so in my back and forth with quay over being just friends or more or nothing or BLAH BLAH BLAAAAH....that stupid dance, roundaboutnessss...i said we shouldnt talk for a specific, extended amount of time...mostly cause i need to get all the way overr some stuff with him, and with myself. by myself.
as usually happens with me, ive hit road bumps along the way and wanted to call it off etc...but ive been able to maintain my resolve...except for one email, lol, but i asked him not to respond, and he didnt :) (even tho i only halfway meant that request...but its for the better.)
so, isnt it kinda funny how you have these new resolutions and your going along fine everyday and youre so proud of yourself, but then when it hits you, it hits you...!
lol.
had some of that today. but then, inadvertently...i really listened to pretty wings, and read the words...and then was like a haaaaaaa.
:)
1st few verses:
"time will bring the real end of our trial
one day there'll be no remnant
no trace no residual feelings within ya
one day u won't remember me
your face will be the reason i smile
but i will not see what i cannot have forever
i'll always love ya i hope you feel the same
you played me dirty your game was so bad
you toyed with my affliction had to fill out my prescription
found the remedy i had to set u FREE
away from me
to see clearly the way that love can be
when you are not with me
I HAD TO LEAVE, I HAD TO LIVE
I HAD TO LEAVE
I HAD TO LIVE
.......
>>> sooo much in those lines above.
but here's the really exciting part, after a while, i realized those words didnt just tie into my time getting over quay, but also w a few other loved ones in my life, and even with myself.
it's a hackneyed saying, but if you love something let it go...if it comes back then it's really yours etc etc...
we can always keep people in our hearts...but sometimes we physically and emotionally have to let go. and thats what ive had to do this summer, with more than just quay. with friends, w family, again, with myself.
ive been very blessed my whole life. but this summer has been the epitome of blessings, because i have been able to basically be a nomad and find myself in more ways than one...or should i say consciously proceed on the journey to really see who carlin is.
ive been blessed to stay with a friend and her fam for free here in new orleans, and also had the chance to NOT work, and live sparingly, and pretty much get reacquainted with my city and myself...
not many ppl have the option of just not "really" doing anything for an extended amt of time like this...therefore i am so grateful. i really needed this time, not just cause of quay, or any one person or thing, but because ive had a lot to sort out. and nothing is totally resolved or finito...but i have reached places i never thot i even had inside of me...
having this time has been priceless. i'll break it down in more detail eventually, but those lyrics above are not just about my ex.
ive been uptight since 84.
im finally loosening my grip on it all. on him. on me. on yal. on her. on that. on this.
im looking at the beauty of free flowing-ness. try as i may have, i cant control anything...not even me...all the way. when im exhausted, my body will shut down, whether i want it to or not.
so i think the beauty is in our reactions and our motivation, our continuing on,,,even through the storms and the really tough times ie LIFE.
i dont knw if maxwell was alluding to angels or birds or butterflies when he talked about pretty wings, but it makes me think of angels and butterflies mostly.
angels because quay called me his angel, and i eventually said the same about him, and in a way he still is because he taught me a lot, more good than bad. but i still had to let him spread his own wings while i spread mine. and that goes for the others in my life too, bc yall are all angels to an extent, we all bless each other in little ways, a lot of times those ways are unseen.
but i remember learning that when butterflies come out of that coccoon (sp?), their wings still have to dry and harden, before they can support flight.
i feel like my wings are getting stronger, like im really about to take flight. my friend Slim had something on twitter along the lines of vision is great, but doing and making that vision a reality is the harder, more imp part.
i have so many ideas, so many abilities....ive accomplished a lot in 24 years, but im really about to take flight. i dont have it mapped out, so it;ll be slightly reactionary...but i have some idea of whats coming next.
and lemme just say, its gonna be big, and it wouldnt be possible without strengthening myself mind body and most imp soul...a process which has really peaked in 2009. its a lifelong process, but it just hit mainstream, lol, it just got the spotlight put on it, in the world of carlin lewis. :)
so, i hear a lot when i hear that song, pretty wings.
let's fly :)
sincerely,
carlin
sorry i told you lieees...
pretty wings, your pretty wings.....
ugh, maxwell. made me believe in love at first sight. lol. nawww, but his performance at Essence, OMG. had most of his cd's burned, but had to go out and get each of the real things after that performance. and imma stop explaining my opinion of him now, because it's pretty deep....LoL.
but it did make me think of this.
i was gonna write a lot about steve mcnair. but i decided against it. imma keep it relatively short.
in my opinion, you get it how you live. I hope he rests in peace. but im sure it's kinda hard for his kids and wife right now to get any rest...or peace. im not judging, bc i wasnt in his shoes...i just feel like when you do bad, you cant be mad when it ends up bad.
ive lied to people before, so again, im not judging. but an affair...i think that can be qualified as somewhat bad. i was very sad to hear that is how his life ended.
it just reminded me that there are consequences and repercussions. it also briefly reminded me of my ex cheating. i didnt let it get me too mad tho, because those feelings were assuaged by maxwell;s songs.
it's corny but i MEAN it when i say, i know a man can and WiLL love me like maxwell sings about. and im not settling for less. and just because my ex messed up, and steve mcnair messed up, and life is life, and nothing is ever perfect, and maybe maxwell is actually a cheating jerk and not the lover i perceive...i'll still be alright :)
lol, i was telling my boy ike how much i'm in love with maxwell now, and he was like "man he's just like all other men..." lol. which could be right. but the ideals in his songs, i believe they're possible.
more on max...etc....
ugh, maxwell. made me believe in love at first sight. lol. nawww, but his performance at Essence, OMG. had most of his cd's burned, but had to go out and get each of the real things after that performance. and imma stop explaining my opinion of him now, because it's pretty deep....LoL.
but it did make me think of this.
i was gonna write a lot about steve mcnair. but i decided against it. imma keep it relatively short.
in my opinion, you get it how you live. I hope he rests in peace. but im sure it's kinda hard for his kids and wife right now to get any rest...or peace. im not judging, bc i wasnt in his shoes...i just feel like when you do bad, you cant be mad when it ends up bad.
ive lied to people before, so again, im not judging. but an affair...i think that can be qualified as somewhat bad. i was very sad to hear that is how his life ended.
it just reminded me that there are consequences and repercussions. it also briefly reminded me of my ex cheating. i didnt let it get me too mad tho, because those feelings were assuaged by maxwell;s songs.
it's corny but i MEAN it when i say, i know a man can and WiLL love me like maxwell sings about. and im not settling for less. and just because my ex messed up, and steve mcnair messed up, and life is life, and nothing is ever perfect, and maybe maxwell is actually a cheating jerk and not the lover i perceive...i'll still be alright :)
lol, i was telling my boy ike how much i'm in love with maxwell now, and he was like "man he's just like all other men..." lol. which could be right. but the ideals in his songs, i believe they're possible.
more on max...etc....
7.05.2009
...but now i've got to fiiiind...my ownnn
i dont know where i belonnggg...but i'lll be moving on...
:) beyonce...paraphrased a bit by me. but that's from her song Listen, off the dreamgirls soundtrack. sooo. essence fest 2009 right here in the n.o. didnt plan to go to any of the shows, but so far 2 for 2 and gonna finish it out tonight :)
God is good. homie from waaay back had free tix the last two nights, and for tonight imma pay, but its more than worth it to see en vogue, maze's farewell and OH yeAH, my godbrother on the main stage with his high school band....yeahhh....got to.
man, it's so good to be back here in new orleans. i tell ya, my mind really does tick pretty good down here :) dont worry, my brain is good all over the world, but i seem to sort things out a little better down here at the bottom of the map.
i miss my fam tremendously and prob gonna head back to the eastcoast sooner than planned for that very reason. but it's amazing what distance and time can do. i'm so thankful.
i havent posted in a while and that's a relatively good thing, bc it is due to me FINALLY slowing down, to an extent, lol. (i'll prob always be pretty hyper, but not moving at warp speed anymore).
so, also, didnt have the motivation for a post, but juuuuust got some.
first off, beyonce gave me the first inkling fri night at her show. i love and respect beyonce, but i wasnt pressed to see her shw this year....esPESH after the BET awards joint....just wasnt my cup of tea, that's all. but, when my girl popped up with tickets for free ninety nine...well, yeah! :)
** lol an sidenote, new orleanians wait till the LAST min on essence tickets cause it's so likely someoneeeee will have a hookup or total freebie...case in point :)
so beyonce was doing her thing as always, she is an AMAZING performer, but when she sang Listen, i heard it in a whole new way.
i didnt really like the song much before that night. now, im sitting here LISTENing to LISTEN as i type :)
to me, the song put into words some of the feelings ive had lately. ive gone at it a bit with some of the ppl that i care about the most in this world...and in a way, i think part of my frustration and in turn anger stemmed from feeling like they werent LISTENINGGGG to me. i was yellin so much cause i was trying to be heard, but there were issues on both sides, especially mine, bc i wasnt doing very much listening either.
thats all a longgggggger story for another day, but i just wanted to mention that Bey really brought some light into my sitch. at one point she says
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
liii iiiss iisss sten :)
like i said, more to the story but not right now. im just glad to realize that im getting clearer on some of the issues in my life.
also, watching bey reminded me that i am an amazing woman,,,too many women, like me, forget that tooo often.
this past week ive been getting used to my new hair...ie lack thereof. i reallllyyy like it. i do, and i'd say if i didnt...but, im so not totally used to it yet. and my long hair was a security blanket in a way...
now, i get more looks because ppl are like oh wait, she doesnt have anyyyy hair. :) and im gettin used to what carlin looks like, because before i more saw carlin with hair...now its JUST CARLIN.
so i'll admit, more often than i'd prefer this past week, ive been a little down on myself. but this has been a lesson to me, no one can make you feel as bad as you make yourself feel. i finally woke up and said all these negative thots im having about myself..I HAVE TO STOP THEM. my parents cant, you cant.,,only i can manage how i feel about me.
so im very thankful to say that i am embracing and appreciating who carlin really is. i am very thankful for this journey.
and this journey soooo has a lot more to it :) ok bout to add another post but that's it for this one. :) lyrics to Listen below
lyrics:
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen
[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened
There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen
[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete
Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I got to find my own - my own
:) beyonce...paraphrased a bit by me. but that's from her song Listen, off the dreamgirls soundtrack. sooo. essence fest 2009 right here in the n.o. didnt plan to go to any of the shows, but so far 2 for 2 and gonna finish it out tonight :)
God is good. homie from waaay back had free tix the last two nights, and for tonight imma pay, but its more than worth it to see en vogue, maze's farewell and OH yeAH, my godbrother on the main stage with his high school band....yeahhh....got to.
man, it's so good to be back here in new orleans. i tell ya, my mind really does tick pretty good down here :) dont worry, my brain is good all over the world, but i seem to sort things out a little better down here at the bottom of the map.
i miss my fam tremendously and prob gonna head back to the eastcoast sooner than planned for that very reason. but it's amazing what distance and time can do. i'm so thankful.
i havent posted in a while and that's a relatively good thing, bc it is due to me FINALLY slowing down, to an extent, lol. (i'll prob always be pretty hyper, but not moving at warp speed anymore).
so, also, didnt have the motivation for a post, but juuuuust got some.
first off, beyonce gave me the first inkling fri night at her show. i love and respect beyonce, but i wasnt pressed to see her shw this year....esPESH after the BET awards joint....just wasnt my cup of tea, that's all. but, when my girl popped up with tickets for free ninety nine...well, yeah! :)
** lol an sidenote, new orleanians wait till the LAST min on essence tickets cause it's so likely someoneeeee will have a hookup or total freebie...case in point :)
so beyonce was doing her thing as always, she is an AMAZING performer, but when she sang Listen, i heard it in a whole new way.
i didnt really like the song much before that night. now, im sitting here LISTENing to LISTEN as i type :)
to me, the song put into words some of the feelings ive had lately. ive gone at it a bit with some of the ppl that i care about the most in this world...and in a way, i think part of my frustration and in turn anger stemmed from feeling like they werent LISTENINGGGG to me. i was yellin so much cause i was trying to be heard, but there were issues on both sides, especially mine, bc i wasnt doing very much listening either.
thats all a longgggggger story for another day, but i just wanted to mention that Bey really brought some light into my sitch. at one point she says
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
liii iiiss iisss sten :)
like i said, more to the story but not right now. im just glad to realize that im getting clearer on some of the issues in my life.
also, watching bey reminded me that i am an amazing woman,,,too many women, like me, forget that tooo often.
this past week ive been getting used to my new hair...ie lack thereof. i reallllyyy like it. i do, and i'd say if i didnt...but, im so not totally used to it yet. and my long hair was a security blanket in a way...
now, i get more looks because ppl are like oh wait, she doesnt have anyyyy hair. :) and im gettin used to what carlin looks like, because before i more saw carlin with hair...now its JUST CARLIN.
so i'll admit, more often than i'd prefer this past week, ive been a little down on myself. but this has been a lesson to me, no one can make you feel as bad as you make yourself feel. i finally woke up and said all these negative thots im having about myself..I HAVE TO STOP THEM. my parents cant, you cant.,,only i can manage how i feel about me.
so im very thankful to say that i am embracing and appreciating who carlin really is. i am very thankful for this journey.
and this journey soooo has a lot more to it :) ok bout to add another post but that's it for this one. :) lyrics to Listen below
lyrics:
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen
[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened
There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen
[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete
Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I got to find my own - my own
6.24.2009
sigh...the swan song for FB and Twitter but ACTUALLY about the N.O.
hola alllll.
ok so im not gonna start a book but it's been a while since the last entry so as you may imagine, i have a LOT on my mind.
let's start with this. my connection/let's admit it slight ADDICTIOn to facebook and now twitter are just overboard. and it's a love hate type thing. liiiike, i hate seeing what everyone else is doing alllll the time bc it effects me in ways it shouldnt. but then, why do i see it...because IIII log into these sites.
lol.
i love that facebook reconnected me with ppl i went to elementary school with, etc etc, ie ppl i lost touch with and then its like HELLOOOOO, they're married with kids or something, and its great to catch up.
however, my need to log in is just annoying. i havent read a book in forever...and i love to read. its time for at the very least a break from all this social networking. and that's just me. im not knocking anyone...its just a bit much.
also, in a way, facebook used to be kinda like a clubhouse, for us college aged kids to just be goofy, chill out, and say and do goofy stuff on the internet. now however, literally everyone and their MOTHER, TEACHER, PSYCHIATRIST, BOSS, NEPHEW and NIECE is on there. :) now, especially after ish like Katrina, i can truly appreciate a site that lets ppl connect. i just dont think that;s what facebook was supposed to be, that's MY opinion. it's like having your parents join you on your honeymoon....ummm, love you mom and dad...BUT NOOOOO. (and here's the disclaimer im not alluding to sex on the honeymoon, im just saying there's a time and place for everything). make money Mark Z, expand, do what you gotta do...but it's just not as fun anymore.
more than likely i will be back to facebook and poss twitter, cause i really do enjoy them. it;l just be at a much more scaled down level and i will not be on it as much...once i DO log back in...IF i do... :)
the ppl that really need to and want to get in touch with me will. email is a great invention, and with 6 degrees of separation you can get at me if you need to :)
but yeah, this all ties into me working out my way in life. sorry to make it so deep all of a sudden, but that's what 2009 seems to be shaping into for me. i realize i cannot map every step out, but i am sitting back and planning a little differently than i ever have. i think God got me back to New Orleans, my birthplace and roots, to refocus.
i mentioned this to my mom before i left VA, right as i realized it. I've come to New Orleans after alllll the monumental issues in my life.
lol that the major issues in my life really didnt kick start till last year in my opinion. but last year was my 1st breakup, and first time dealing with real family issues. in may of 08, i used free airtran flights to get back home, for like 2 weeks...and it was exactly what i needed.
not that i was running away from problems, but for the first time, i was breathing. there was nothing more that i could do for any of those situations...except let it ride. and if you know me...im not really a "let it ride person". ive neverr been toooo good at playing things by ear :) im pretttttty uptight. but guess what, im letting go of that. im chillin out so that life doesnt pass me by. im appreciating the little things and the big...but when i was moving so fast worrying about controlling or solving everything before...i wasnt appreciating all that i had, even in the midst of some storms.
then, ahhhhh, the somewhat infamous Facebook blowup...aimed mostly at Marquay but really at ANY and EVERY and ALLLL types of cheaters :) yup...even you....if you're any type of cheater.
im not tryna be mean, im being real, and sometimes the truth is painful. but basically, when i did all that on facebook, it was to maintain MY sanity...i had to push back, bc the level of disrespect had peaked. you know when in cartoons the characters can run to an isolated mountain and SCREAAAAM their lungs out? well, that's what i did, except it wasnt isolated. but ya know what, it felt better than just screaming into my pillow or punching a wall etc. bc i wanted ppl to know how i felt. i wanted him to knw how i reaaaaallly felt, not all the sugarcoated polite stuff i may have watered it down with before.
so....i put it on facebook. and i DONT regret it. it served it's purpose, which was to give me an outlet. and guess what i did a couple hours after those rage filled posts....
DINGGG!! went to new orleans. the trip was alreaddy planned. it just so happened to coincide with the day i let loose on quay on facebook.
and going to Jazzfest, this past april, was beautiful, and exactly what i needed.
so far i've been in new orleans for less than 24 hours :)
but i feel it. im not saying it's mystical or anything, im just sayin it's necessary. im not running from anyone :) promise...sometimes you just need to get your mind right...and this seems to be how i best get myyyy mind right.
i bring it back to the bottom of the map.
i hear all the insane accents and drawls and bayyyybaaaaaayyss one could imagine. i seeee alll the places i grew up around, in, next to, under, over...lol. i smell the same smellssss...TASTE the same AMAZING food.
and it brings me back. it re-centers me. it slows me down. it helps me think. it helps me believe again. it helps me see. it helps me love and remember that love will endure.
dont ask me how it does all this....lol...im just telling you that it does. im sitting in j will's ppl's big empty post katrina refurbished beautiful house (while BB sleeps, finally), with tears slowly coming down my face because im really seeing this is where im supposed to be.
right here.
right now.
i needed this. thank the Lord that i made it here. and I thank Him for what's to come.
i know it's gonna be beautiful. i know when i find true love its gonna be amazing, when i maintain full harmony with yall that are clossssest to me, its gonna be magnificent...when i see the fruits of my labor...its gonna be rewarding.
i remember someone saying the soil down here in the Delta is really rich, bc of the mississippi bringing in nutrients from upriver/states north of here.
maybe that's also a part of the pull for me down here. maybe the soil is so furtile that i just wanna be around it.
i think it's a lotta things....i also thot this post would just be about fb and twitter lol...but while this is the swan song for those two, its the start of a new beginning for Carlin.
and just like back in 84, it's gonna take place here...
im so thankful to call this place home. home is where the heart is, so my home is all overr the place actually...lol, VAaaaa, Indy, MD, DC, GA, Africa, etc etc etc...but this is where God first put me on this earth.
i think that was more than just a coincidence.
so if you looking for me i'll be here. and after that, i'll be all overr...but this is where it begins....again.
love yall, and miss some of yall but see you soon :)
sincerely,
carlin
ok so im not gonna start a book but it's been a while since the last entry so as you may imagine, i have a LOT on my mind.
let's start with this. my connection/let's admit it slight ADDICTIOn to facebook and now twitter are just overboard. and it's a love hate type thing. liiiike, i hate seeing what everyone else is doing alllll the time bc it effects me in ways it shouldnt. but then, why do i see it...because IIII log into these sites.
lol.
i love that facebook reconnected me with ppl i went to elementary school with, etc etc, ie ppl i lost touch with and then its like HELLOOOOO, they're married with kids or something, and its great to catch up.
however, my need to log in is just annoying. i havent read a book in forever...and i love to read. its time for at the very least a break from all this social networking. and that's just me. im not knocking anyone...its just a bit much.
also, in a way, facebook used to be kinda like a clubhouse, for us college aged kids to just be goofy, chill out, and say and do goofy stuff on the internet. now however, literally everyone and their MOTHER, TEACHER, PSYCHIATRIST, BOSS, NEPHEW and NIECE is on there. :) now, especially after ish like Katrina, i can truly appreciate a site that lets ppl connect. i just dont think that;s what facebook was supposed to be, that's MY opinion. it's like having your parents join you on your honeymoon....ummm, love you mom and dad...BUT NOOOOO. (and here's the disclaimer im not alluding to sex on the honeymoon, im just saying there's a time and place for everything). make money Mark Z, expand, do what you gotta do...but it's just not as fun anymore.
more than likely i will be back to facebook and poss twitter, cause i really do enjoy them. it;l just be at a much more scaled down level and i will not be on it as much...once i DO log back in...IF i do... :)
the ppl that really need to and want to get in touch with me will. email is a great invention, and with 6 degrees of separation you can get at me if you need to :)
but yeah, this all ties into me working out my way in life. sorry to make it so deep all of a sudden, but that's what 2009 seems to be shaping into for me. i realize i cannot map every step out, but i am sitting back and planning a little differently than i ever have. i think God got me back to New Orleans, my birthplace and roots, to refocus.
i mentioned this to my mom before i left VA, right as i realized it. I've come to New Orleans after alllll the monumental issues in my life.
lol that the major issues in my life really didnt kick start till last year in my opinion. but last year was my 1st breakup, and first time dealing with real family issues. in may of 08, i used free airtran flights to get back home, for like 2 weeks...and it was exactly what i needed.
not that i was running away from problems, but for the first time, i was breathing. there was nothing more that i could do for any of those situations...except let it ride. and if you know me...im not really a "let it ride person". ive neverr been toooo good at playing things by ear :) im pretttttty uptight. but guess what, im letting go of that. im chillin out so that life doesnt pass me by. im appreciating the little things and the big...but when i was moving so fast worrying about controlling or solving everything before...i wasnt appreciating all that i had, even in the midst of some storms.
then, ahhhhh, the somewhat infamous Facebook blowup...aimed mostly at Marquay but really at ANY and EVERY and ALLLL types of cheaters :) yup...even you....if you're any type of cheater.
im not tryna be mean, im being real, and sometimes the truth is painful. but basically, when i did all that on facebook, it was to maintain MY sanity...i had to push back, bc the level of disrespect had peaked. you know when in cartoons the characters can run to an isolated mountain and SCREAAAAM their lungs out? well, that's what i did, except it wasnt isolated. but ya know what, it felt better than just screaming into my pillow or punching a wall etc. bc i wanted ppl to know how i felt. i wanted him to knw how i reaaaaallly felt, not all the sugarcoated polite stuff i may have watered it down with before.
so....i put it on facebook. and i DONT regret it. it served it's purpose, which was to give me an outlet. and guess what i did a couple hours after those rage filled posts....
DINGGG!! went to new orleans. the trip was alreaddy planned. it just so happened to coincide with the day i let loose on quay on facebook.
and going to Jazzfest, this past april, was beautiful, and exactly what i needed.
so far i've been in new orleans for less than 24 hours :)
but i feel it. im not saying it's mystical or anything, im just sayin it's necessary. im not running from anyone :) promise...sometimes you just need to get your mind right...and this seems to be how i best get myyyy mind right.
i bring it back to the bottom of the map.
i hear all the insane accents and drawls and bayyyybaaaaaayyss one could imagine. i seeee alll the places i grew up around, in, next to, under, over...lol. i smell the same smellssss...TASTE the same AMAZING food.
and it brings me back. it re-centers me. it slows me down. it helps me think. it helps me believe again. it helps me see. it helps me love and remember that love will endure.
dont ask me how it does all this....lol...im just telling you that it does. im sitting in j will's ppl's big empty post katrina refurbished beautiful house (while BB sleeps, finally), with tears slowly coming down my face because im really seeing this is where im supposed to be.
right here.
right now.
i needed this. thank the Lord that i made it here. and I thank Him for what's to come.
i know it's gonna be beautiful. i know when i find true love its gonna be amazing, when i maintain full harmony with yall that are clossssest to me, its gonna be magnificent...when i see the fruits of my labor...its gonna be rewarding.
i remember someone saying the soil down here in the Delta is really rich, bc of the mississippi bringing in nutrients from upriver/states north of here.
maybe that's also a part of the pull for me down here. maybe the soil is so furtile that i just wanna be around it.
i think it's a lotta things....i also thot this post would just be about fb and twitter lol...but while this is the swan song for those two, its the start of a new beginning for Carlin.
and just like back in 84, it's gonna take place here...
im so thankful to call this place home. home is where the heart is, so my home is all overr the place actually...lol, VAaaaa, Indy, MD, DC, GA, Africa, etc etc etc...but this is where God first put me on this earth.
i think that was more than just a coincidence.
so if you looking for me i'll be here. and after that, i'll be all overr...but this is where it begins....again.
love yall, and miss some of yall but see you soon :)
sincerely,
carlin
6.18.2009
running but here's whats coming:
1. when i date again, i'll require a dude that likes my lipgloss. seriously. or find one for me...i'll explain
2. protesting at PETA tom morning when they refuse to babysit my pet flies
3. buying cd's from walmart to curb my cursing
4. how do you become a hype man...apply, aspire??
5. men should wear signs when w a girl that's not their GIRL....lol
bout to spend some family time so neeeed to get off this computer. but yes, its goign down at PETA headquarters tomorrow morning...and based on the 5 randoms above, i feel like saying quite a bit right. i'll get to it, sooooon!!! just not right now....family here i comeeeee.. it's very rude of me staying on the comp like this....so PEACE OUT :)
sincerely,
carlin
2. protesting at PETA tom morning when they refuse to babysit my pet flies
3. buying cd's from walmart to curb my cursing
4. how do you become a hype man...apply, aspire??
5. men should wear signs when w a girl that's not their GIRL....lol
bout to spend some family time so neeeed to get off this computer. but yes, its goign down at PETA headquarters tomorrow morning...and based on the 5 randoms above, i feel like saying quite a bit right. i'll get to it, sooooon!!! just not right now....family here i comeeeee.. it's very rude of me staying on the comp like this....so PEACE OUT :)
sincerely,
carlin
6.17.2009
i do care.
i want you to know that. as i continue to slow down, i see that my brashness, my fearlessness, my focus...sometimes it seems like i dont care.
but tonight i accepted something and wanted you to know...i do care.
i do care what otherr people think, and how you feel.
...but it will not make or break me. see, many of you, in fact EVERYONE, even the inner circle, can say that since about march of this year, i am a different person.
well here's a big part of the difference. ive always had many of these same thoughts and feelings inside of me. but life, life finally pulled them out. and i dont think im unique in this. i think that ppl look at this blog bc in some way they relate, and for some of you, im sayin stuff thats not far off of what you at some point have thought or felt....but for SOME reason, did not share.
since i was a child, i have always cared greatly for other ppl.
my ex called it being too nice, others call it being extra, family sometimes calls it naivety and vulnerability.
but here's the thing ppl. i really am not scared of much in this world. im not bragging. i just really am not. i'm not scared of black dudes at night with hoodies. im not scared of bald white guys with rebel flag tatts in mississippi. im not scared of dick cheney on a hunting trip...
not because i think im invincible. but because i know that we are all ppl. i know that you are someone;s child just like me, and most importantly, IN my OPINION, we all come from the same creator.
and also, i can see your humanness.
i may have just made that word up, but it's perfect.
you prob already consider me a little weird and thats good :). because i mean it, no matter how bad someone may seem, i always can imagine them laughing with someone, caring about someone, hurting about something.
that's why i smile at ppl when they pass me. not cause i want your number...but bc we;re both human, passing by, on the same street, at the same time. and im just saying hi.
this post kinda came out of me reflecting on the past few months...cause they've been filled with conflict with the ppl i love the most. and when im alone i just sit and wonder what the heck am i doing to drive these wedges between us????? sometimes my anger and frustration comes out sooooooo wrong. sometimes im soooooo fucking mean. and im sorry to curse but thats the perfect description. my meanness pushes the ones i care about most away. it makes them question how much i love them, or even want them with me.
life is so intense because its really a challenge to say and do what you really MEAN. im sitting here crying as i type this because if i could lay my heart out for each of you to read my true intent and desires, then everything would be fine again. we would all understand each other, and most importantly to me, you would understand my goals.
i started this blog alone bc i wanted it to be a family endeavor. but ever since i got back from school, we've been too preoccuppied w issssues to do it. so i went ahead. << this is a perfect example of my motivation behind many of my actions. this blog is not only to help me, its to help others possibly feel like they are not ALONE in some of their mistakes, falters, doubts, and confusions. bc when i was really down, God gave me other ppl that shared their own pains with me. and it made me forgive myself. it made me stop beating myself up.
thats why in one of my older posts i say kids in bad living situations arent trippin off what carlin lewis puts on facebook etc. they're hurting bc their mom is strung out and the dont know their father.
and my goal is to change shit like that. pardon my french. but that's exactly what those situations are, unnecessary bullshit caused by ppl that arent being responsible for a LOT of reasons.
i am going to help make this a better world. and if i ever seem like i dont care about something between us, its because im seeing bigger issues. too many ppl are suffering!!!!!
i know our lives seeeeem really hard right now, but if you're able, like me, to even access a computer whenever you please, then you are better off than a lot of others.
its cyclical. the problems in this world keep repeating themselves.
caring will help solve them. it sounds corny but that's cause it's simple.
si many of us have great care inside our hearts...but how often do we show it? instead, bc its a cold bitter world, we face most days, cold, and bitter. but why??? doesnt it feel better to see a freaking smile than a scowl. just try it. and when we get past a lot of the unnecessary or MINOR issues, then we can start conquering these mountains of CRAP we;ve all helped build.
so like i said. i do care. i care so much, about all of yall, my family, my friends, my ex friends, my enemies, and the strangers. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i like it like that. bc maybe itl touch someone who;s never seen someone else's heart.
maybe it wont...but im willing to take that chance.
and dont worry, im not reckless nor naive. my life has taught me a lot. ive seen that you can find bad anywhere, but thankfully there is good everywhere too.
we all have the propensity to be whatever we want. i want to be a believer...i want to keep believing that we can make a change. i want to keep believing that change really is gon come.
pls. think a lotta things about me....im a jerk, im a smartass, im bossy, im tempermental, im needy, im extra, im hyper, im persistent etc etc...but pls dont ever think i dont care.
i dont even like when ppl answer questions like "can i borrow this?" with an "i dont care"....lol
once again, another disjointed, mind of carlin rant kinda sorta...but it kept me from falling asleep. sometimes my pride gets in the way and i dont show it...but i care. i wont let any of you bring me down...but in some way, i will always care...thats why i havent just up and moved into the unabombers vacant cabin...cause i wanna interact, i wanna work together, i wanna be a part of you guys, not APART. :)
im just a little different. im just a little rough around ALL edges. but i do thnk we;ll figure it out...soon.
love you all.
thanks for reading. this really is fun...tears and all.
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. i dont cry nearly as much as i used to...so the tears that fell tonight....priceless.
i want you to know that. as i continue to slow down, i see that my brashness, my fearlessness, my focus...sometimes it seems like i dont care.
but tonight i accepted something and wanted you to know...i do care.
i do care what otherr people think, and how you feel.
...but it will not make or break me. see, many of you, in fact EVERYONE, even the inner circle, can say that since about march of this year, i am a different person.
well here's a big part of the difference. ive always had many of these same thoughts and feelings inside of me. but life, life finally pulled them out. and i dont think im unique in this. i think that ppl look at this blog bc in some way they relate, and for some of you, im sayin stuff thats not far off of what you at some point have thought or felt....but for SOME reason, did not share.
since i was a child, i have always cared greatly for other ppl.
my ex called it being too nice, others call it being extra, family sometimes calls it naivety and vulnerability.
but here's the thing ppl. i really am not scared of much in this world. im not bragging. i just really am not. i'm not scared of black dudes at night with hoodies. im not scared of bald white guys with rebel flag tatts in mississippi. im not scared of dick cheney on a hunting trip...
not because i think im invincible. but because i know that we are all ppl. i know that you are someone;s child just like me, and most importantly, IN my OPINION, we all come from the same creator.
and also, i can see your humanness.
i may have just made that word up, but it's perfect.
you prob already consider me a little weird and thats good :). because i mean it, no matter how bad someone may seem, i always can imagine them laughing with someone, caring about someone, hurting about something.
that's why i smile at ppl when they pass me. not cause i want your number...but bc we;re both human, passing by, on the same street, at the same time. and im just saying hi.
this post kinda came out of me reflecting on the past few months...cause they've been filled with conflict with the ppl i love the most. and when im alone i just sit and wonder what the heck am i doing to drive these wedges between us????? sometimes my anger and frustration comes out sooooooo wrong. sometimes im soooooo fucking mean. and im sorry to curse but thats the perfect description. my meanness pushes the ones i care about most away. it makes them question how much i love them, or even want them with me.
life is so intense because its really a challenge to say and do what you really MEAN. im sitting here crying as i type this because if i could lay my heart out for each of you to read my true intent and desires, then everything would be fine again. we would all understand each other, and most importantly to me, you would understand my goals.
i started this blog alone bc i wanted it to be a family endeavor. but ever since i got back from school, we've been too preoccuppied w issssues to do it. so i went ahead. << this is a perfect example of my motivation behind many of my actions. this blog is not only to help me, its to help others possibly feel like they are not ALONE in some of their mistakes, falters, doubts, and confusions. bc when i was really down, God gave me other ppl that shared their own pains with me. and it made me forgive myself. it made me stop beating myself up.
thats why in one of my older posts i say kids in bad living situations arent trippin off what carlin lewis puts on facebook etc. they're hurting bc their mom is strung out and the dont know their father.
and my goal is to change shit like that. pardon my french. but that's exactly what those situations are, unnecessary bullshit caused by ppl that arent being responsible for a LOT of reasons.
i am going to help make this a better world. and if i ever seem like i dont care about something between us, its because im seeing bigger issues. too many ppl are suffering!!!!!
i know our lives seeeeem really hard right now, but if you're able, like me, to even access a computer whenever you please, then you are better off than a lot of others.
its cyclical. the problems in this world keep repeating themselves.
caring will help solve them. it sounds corny but that's cause it's simple.
si many of us have great care inside our hearts...but how often do we show it? instead, bc its a cold bitter world, we face most days, cold, and bitter. but why??? doesnt it feel better to see a freaking smile than a scowl. just try it. and when we get past a lot of the unnecessary or MINOR issues, then we can start conquering these mountains of CRAP we;ve all helped build.
so like i said. i do care. i care so much, about all of yall, my family, my friends, my ex friends, my enemies, and the strangers. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i like it like that. bc maybe itl touch someone who;s never seen someone else's heart.
maybe it wont...but im willing to take that chance.
and dont worry, im not reckless nor naive. my life has taught me a lot. ive seen that you can find bad anywhere, but thankfully there is good everywhere too.
we all have the propensity to be whatever we want. i want to be a believer...i want to keep believing that we can make a change. i want to keep believing that change really is gon come.
pls. think a lotta things about me....im a jerk, im a smartass, im bossy, im tempermental, im needy, im extra, im hyper, im persistent etc etc...but pls dont ever think i dont care.
i dont even like when ppl answer questions like "can i borrow this?" with an "i dont care"....lol
once again, another disjointed, mind of carlin rant kinda sorta...but it kept me from falling asleep. sometimes my pride gets in the way and i dont show it...but i care. i wont let any of you bring me down...but in some way, i will always care...thats why i havent just up and moved into the unabombers vacant cabin...cause i wanna interact, i wanna work together, i wanna be a part of you guys, not APART. :)
im just a little different. im just a little rough around ALL edges. but i do thnk we;ll figure it out...soon.
love you all.
thanks for reading. this really is fun...tears and all.
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. i dont cry nearly as much as i used to...so the tears that fell tonight....priceless.
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