::Do Better NOW:things thought of while the creators were undisputedly floating on something::

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i used to...

wow. so it's been a while, and i really appreciate those of you that asked about the blog and said that you missed reading my wiiild, random rantings... :)

i've been pretty quiet in more ways than one lately, and as i've said before, i think it all really ties into the journey and process that actually equals life in general....it'll never end. i think it is meant for us to keep learning and growing, sometimes w growing pains, every day of our lives.

for those of you that have been reading this blog since the beginning, i would think you can see some difference from the HYPER, pretty non-stop Carlin that was in charge around late spring of 09. no worries...that wasn't a bad thing, that's just where i was and what i was going through, back then. i think a good way to describe things is that i was rebooting back then, imo. as some of ya'll know, or will eventually learn, 2009 was a year of PROFOUND changes, lessons, hardships, victories, disappointments, EveryTHinG, for me. it was an amazing year of good and bad but totally the most dynamic, unique, and influential year of my LIFE. so yeah, when this blog started, i had a lotttttt to get out.

i still have a lot to say, it just comes out different now.

i don't know how often i'll be posting, it'll just happen, but i am glad that i got a little inspiration to write, because i did miss it.

so. the overall reason behind this post is how i reconnected with an oldddd song yesterday. i caught part of sister act II on tv two nights ago, and of course i just sat there in awe of LAURYN HILL in all of her parts of the movie. that and some twitter postings made me nostalgic and i played her album yesterday and this morning while getting ready for school.

and then....oMg. so number uhhh 8 i think, "I used to"...it hit me.

i've been listening to and reciting that album since it came out...when i was about 12 maybe, give or take. but yesterday, that song hit more than a chord with me...it WaS me.

i could go on and on about this, and i may come back and do that, but for now, imma keep it relatively simple.

part of my troubles and trials and learning last year (slash the last four plus years, including the beginning of this one), involved my first love/boyfriend, and getting over that failed relationship. i could notttt let go. and im still not all the way over it. but im getting there...and that's a good thing.

as i was listening to that song tho, i literally felt a feeling of hope i hadnt had...ever. like i KNEW that other ppl had had their hearts broken and had to move on from someone that they didn't want to let go...but the words that Lauryn and Mary J were singing, it just felt like they were reading my story. and like i said, i knew this song inside and out years ago...but not until yesterday did i feel it.

i had given all of myself to someone that one, didn't want all of me, and wasn't ready for what iii thought i needed. in the midst of giving my all to someone that didnt even want it, i neglected people that truly love me, and worst of all, put him ahead of God. that was my fault. we both made mistakes but i take responsibilty for how i put him on a pedestal. that was my fault.

but the reason i talk about this and other experiences in my life is because i know i am not the only one going through or that ever will go through it. and telling my pitfalls and successes will only help someone else in their path, just like lauryn and mary j bearing their pain and broken hearts helped this random girl in 2010...years after they made the song.

like i said, i could go onnnn, and onnnn, but the lyrics are below, and here are a few in particular that woke my heart up.

"I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend
See, torn and confused, wasted and used

Thought what I wanted was somethin' I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded

Father, you saved me and you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets and deeper than any ocean"



::this isnt about him or what he did or why he didnt make us work...it's about me tapping into the fact that there is life after what admittedly felt like something of a death. felt like i couldnt love again......lol, lol not cause i'm so beyond it, but because when you finally see past those clouds, the wide expanse that is ahead will blow you away.



Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't, now I don't

As I look at what I've done, the type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the Father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses and blurred my sight

And I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend
See, torn and confused, wasted and used
Reached the crossroad, which path would I choose?

Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For somethin' to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was somethin' I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded
Misled, I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him, but now I don't
I used to love him, yeah yeah yeah, but now I don't

Father, you saved me and you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets and deeper than any ocean
See, my soul was weary, but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is guilty, I took back my soul
And totally let my Creator control
The life which was his
The life which was his, to begin with

Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't
Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't

Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't
Now I don't, I used to
Love him, now I don't, now I don't

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him, yeah yeah yeah, but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

owww, back.at.it

"but i remember learning that when butterflies come out of that coccoon (sp?), their wings still have to dry and harden, before they can support flight."


funny when you go back and read old stuff.

it's been a whiiile. mostly because i don't have a lot to say. haha. for once in my life right.

im not on a mariah carey type butterfly obsession...but that quote from an old post, really stood out to me tonight.

when i started this blog, i had a lot to say. looking back, it;s all starting to make more sense. in a way, that was the beginning of my literal self discovery. obviously my whole life has played up to the moments we are currently in...but i had so much to say because i was seeing things in a totally new, clearer light.

and then, it got quiet.

it was really nice of many of yal to say you missed reading new stuff from me. but i just didnt have anything to share. not that life wasnt happening...just reached a new place.

cant name that "place" right now, but i think it has a lot to do with molding me.

i can feel myself becoming myself. i think it was kinda off the cuff when i mentione a butterfly's wings drying, but looking back, i feel like that is somewhat the stage that i am in.

i havent and cant do much flying right now...because im still preparing for the flights. i tried to jump the gun on a lot of things in my life...and now i am seeing the beauty of being grounded. grounded like you cant take off, or it seems like you cant take off.

for a while now, ive felt immobile, confused, stuck. and i couldnt put my finger on it or give it a specific reason...........................................

i also havent looked at the blog in like months. so reading over it tonight was eye opening. in a way when i wrote that butterfly quote months ago, i still was in the old carlin mindset a bit, that ok, let's go, the time is NOW because I said so.

lol.

a little of that uptightness right.

as i breathe in and breathe out...i remember that it's not in my time. i didnt plan any of these lessons. i definitely didnt foresee them. and thankfully, i can't even imagine the beauty and bounty of the future.

but i know it's coming. i know that when i am suppose to truly take flight, i will.

i'll be 25 in less than a month. my 24th year of life has been alllllllllllll that and then some. i've learned more than i ever thot even existed :)

but a change is coming. im not deeming any of my experiences bad...but its time for a change.

pretty wings. brand new wings. young wings. more experienced wings. stronger wings.

yuuuup.







sincerely,

carlin



p.s. that was half a shoutout to jip's prince of va. only half tho. ;)

no brakes

...since march of this year ive had this recurring dream...i wont call it a nightmare cause i dont wake up afraid...but during the dream im a little scared.

basically im driving in the pitch dark and the car has no brakes. im trying to steer and slow down but nothing i do helps...

itl vary every time...but i think God keeps telling me i gotta let go...in a situation like that, only He can drive.


it's a simple saying, "let go and let God". it's just way easier said than done.

loving myself like i'm someone else

title's kinda confusing huh.

this is what i mean. today was interesting...first i was exhausted after habitat the last few days and doing real manual labor...lol. but then i also had a lot of emotions going on to deal with...which is usually the case with me :)

i wasnt really searching for a conclusion to why i was feeling how i was, but when i finally got up and out, this dawned on me.

i spend a lot of time thinkng about, wanting, looking forward to solidifying something with the "right guy". with the guy that's gonna love me forever, for better or worse etc etc etc.

and then it dawned on me. ive been telling a lot of guys that im not looking to date etc because im getting to knw me, ie kinda finding myself, tying into that train of thot that you're not ready to love someone else till you sufficiently love yourself.

and as i was driving today, listening to maxwell still :), i realized that i treat a lot of people waaaaay better than i treat myself. i am quick to accomodate others. i wanna reduce the stress of others, try and make their lives easier. it ties into how i've said before i would do anything for my ex...and in the midst of all that pleasing...i never fully learned to love and please myself.

that's my opinion. i realized i want a man to love me unconditionally, and for better OR WORSE. but i havent been loving myself under those circumstances. i am my biggest critic, but im like one of these evil critics on tmz or something, always finding something wrong with myself, or wrong with how i look, or talk or act.

but yet, i want a man to love me and all my flaws. how can that happen before i love and embrace my own perceived shortcomings and areas to improve???

lol.

yeah. so i said to myself, Carlin, you gotta start loving yourself like you're loving someone else...do the special things you want someone else to do for you, because i think it will exponentially increase my self love and confidence.

im not bragging, but it's really surprised me how many men compliment my hair now that it's so short. of course some of them are prob just trying to get what they can get, but i genuinely believe a few of them...however i couldnt give myself the very same compliments. i kept seeing what was "wrong" with my hair or my look. i reacted very cynically when a few ppl were like "you're beautiful etc..." because i didnt think it of myself...therefore i thot they couldnt be for real.

but im seeing, the perception that matters the most is mine. i always knew that, but now im seeing how that affects everry moment. random but that made me think of MJ...RIP... if i had known him as a teen before the surgery, i woulda told him, as others had to have, that he was handsome, a cutie, a hot boy...and didnt need to change w surgery. like i said, im sure someone told him that, at some point before and during all of his changes.

but what mattered most to him...how hE saw hImself. he was striving for something that he needed, and even being the king of pop, ridiculed but loved by many, he still didnt quite love who he was.

and in a way, i understand that. i dont wear a ton of makeup but i do use it, esp eyeliner and mascara...and a lot of times im not extra comfortable without it. that has to change. makeup is fine, but not if im using it as a crutch and dont feel pretty without it...

this is all very random but it felt like a breakthrough to me today. neyo's ms.independent is one of my favorite songs, but now i get that it's not only about buying yourself your own stuff, it should be about making yourself feel special, by yourself...not through someone else's flattery. i should knw that im beautiful inside and out even if no one ever co-signs to that ever again.

i was created in His image, therefore i will always be beautiful, no matter what i look like.

i may be in the minority here as far as admitting or having these issues with myself,,,but i kinda doubt it, lol, whether or not you'll admit it.

it;s not just physical, its more than that. i'll better recognize when someone is loving me fully and suffiently if i start getting used to it...by loving myself that way now. and it's so many of the little things, like being lazy and not washing my face or brushing my teeth before bed, and not exercising, or keeping up with doctors appts, or cleaning my room so i wake up to beauty rather than a mess, lol, or preparing ahead of time and not stressing myself out at the last minute...etc etc etc. the type of stuff where if someone else wouldnt do it for me, i might say how can you love me if you cant do this, or that.

lol. but yet i wasnt doin them for myself.

so, new challenge.

that's my goal. i have a lot to do, but imma stop beating myself up for not being perfect in any way. i never will be.

i'm me.

flaws and all.

lol.

nice to meet ya.


sincerely,
carlin

pretty wings.

so, like i said below, more maxwell.

so i bought the cd this week, and just rode around new orleans that evening with the windows down, BB in the passenger seat, lol, and enjoying the songs.

not till tonight tho did i hear and read the words to pretty wings. i already loved the song, but it tied into a lot for me tonight.

i can be a little rash sometimes, but thats me. so in my back and forth with quay over being just friends or more or nothing or BLAH BLAH BLAAAAH....that stupid dance, roundaboutnessss...i said we shouldnt talk for a specific, extended amount of time...mostly cause i need to get all the way overr some stuff with him, and with myself. by myself.

as usually happens with me, ive hit road bumps along the way and wanted to call it off etc...but ive been able to maintain my resolve...except for one email, lol, but i asked him not to respond, and he didnt :) (even tho i only halfway meant that request...but its for the better.)

so, isnt it kinda funny how you have these new resolutions and your going along fine everyday and youre so proud of yourself, but then when it hits you, it hits you...!

lol.

had some of that today. but then, inadvertently...i really listened to pretty wings, and read the words...and then was like a haaaaaaa.

:)

1st few verses:
"time will bring the real end of our trial
one day there'll be no remnant
no trace no residual feelings within ya
one day u won't remember me

your face will be the reason i smile
but i will not see what i cannot have forever
i'll always love ya i hope you feel the same

you played me dirty your game was so bad
you toyed with my affliction had to fill out my prescription
found the remedy i had to set u FREE

away from me
to see clearly the way that love can be
when you are not with me
I HAD TO LEAVE, I HAD TO LIVE
I HAD TO LEAVE
I HAD TO LIVE
.......




>>> sooo much in those lines above.

but here's the really exciting part, after a while, i realized those words didnt just tie into my time getting over quay, but also w a few other loved ones in my life, and even with myself.

it's a hackneyed saying, but if you love something let it go...if it comes back then it's really yours etc etc...

we can always keep people in our hearts...but sometimes we physically and emotionally have to let go. and thats what ive had to do this summer, with more than just quay. with friends, w family, again, with myself.

ive been very blessed my whole life. but this summer has been the epitome of blessings, because i have been able to basically be a nomad and find myself in more ways than one...or should i say consciously proceed on the journey to really see who carlin is.

ive been blessed to stay with a friend and her fam for free here in new orleans, and also had the chance to NOT work, and live sparingly, and pretty much get reacquainted with my city and myself...

not many ppl have the option of just not "really" doing anything for an extended amt of time like this...therefore i am so grateful. i really needed this time, not just cause of quay, or any one person or thing, but because ive had a lot to sort out. and nothing is totally resolved or finito...but i have reached places i never thot i even had inside of me...

having this time has been priceless. i'll break it down in more detail eventually, but those lyrics above are not just about my ex.

ive been uptight since 84.

im finally loosening my grip on it all. on him. on me. on yal. on her. on that. on this.

im looking at the beauty of free flowing-ness. try as i may have, i cant control anything...not even me...all the way. when im exhausted, my body will shut down, whether i want it to or not.

so i think the beauty is in our reactions and our motivation, our continuing on,,,even through the storms and the really tough times ie LIFE.

i dont knw if maxwell was alluding to angels or birds or butterflies when he talked about pretty wings, but it makes me think of angels and butterflies mostly.

angels because quay called me his angel, and i eventually said the same about him, and in a way he still is because he taught me a lot, more good than bad. but i still had to let him spread his own wings while i spread mine. and that goes for the others in my life too, bc yall are all angels to an extent, we all bless each other in little ways, a lot of times those ways are unseen.

but i remember learning that when butterflies come out of that coccoon (sp?), their wings still have to dry and harden, before they can support flight.

i feel like my wings are getting stronger, like im really about to take flight. my friend Slim had something on twitter along the lines of vision is great, but doing and making that vision a reality is the harder, more imp part.

i have so many ideas, so many abilities....ive accomplished a lot in 24 years, but im really about to take flight. i dont have it mapped out, so it;ll be slightly reactionary...but i have some idea of whats coming next.

and lemme just say, its gonna be big, and it wouldnt be possible without strengthening myself mind body and most imp soul...a process which has really peaked in 2009. its a lifelong process, but it just hit mainstream, lol, it just got the spotlight put on it, in the world of carlin lewis. :)

so, i hear a lot when i hear that song, pretty wings.

let's fly :)



sincerely,
carlin

sorry i told you lieees...

pretty wings, your pretty wings.....

ugh, maxwell. made me believe in love at first sight. lol. nawww, but his performance at Essence, OMG. had most of his cd's burned, but had to go out and get each of the real things after that performance. and imma stop explaining my opinion of him now, because it's pretty deep....LoL.

but it did make me think of this.

i was gonna write a lot about steve mcnair. but i decided against it. imma keep it relatively short.

in my opinion, you get it how you live. I hope he rests in peace. but im sure it's kinda hard for his kids and wife right now to get any rest...or peace. im not judging, bc i wasnt in his shoes...i just feel like when you do bad, you cant be mad when it ends up bad.

ive lied to people before, so again, im not judging. but an affair...i think that can be qualified as somewhat bad. i was very sad to hear that is how his life ended.

it just reminded me that there are consequences and repercussions. it also briefly reminded me of my ex cheating. i didnt let it get me too mad tho, because those feelings were assuaged by maxwell;s songs.

it's corny but i MEAN it when i say, i know a man can and WiLL love me like maxwell sings about. and im not settling for less. and just because my ex messed up, and steve mcnair messed up, and life is life, and nothing is ever perfect, and maybe maxwell is actually a cheating jerk and not the lover i perceive...i'll still be alright :)

lol, i was telling my boy ike how much i'm in love with maxwell now, and he was like "man he's just like all other men..." lol. which could be right. but the ideals in his songs, i believe they're possible.


more on max...etc....