i dont know where i belonnggg...but i'lll be moving on...
:) beyonce...paraphrased a bit by me. but that's from her song Listen, off the dreamgirls soundtrack. sooo. essence fest 2009 right here in the n.o. didnt plan to go to any of the shows, but so far 2 for 2 and gonna finish it out tonight :)
God is good. homie from waaay back had free tix the last two nights, and for tonight imma pay, but its more than worth it to see en vogue, maze's farewell and OH yeAH, my godbrother on the main stage with his high school band....yeahhh....got to.
man, it's so good to be back here in new orleans. i tell ya, my mind really does tick pretty good down here :) dont worry, my brain is good all over the world, but i seem to sort things out a little better down here at the bottom of the map.
i miss my fam tremendously and prob gonna head back to the eastcoast sooner than planned for that very reason. but it's amazing what distance and time can do. i'm so thankful.
i havent posted in a while and that's a relatively good thing, bc it is due to me FINALLY slowing down, to an extent, lol. (i'll prob always be pretty hyper, but not moving at warp speed anymore).
so, also, didnt have the motivation for a post, but juuuuust got some.
first off, beyonce gave me the first inkling fri night at her show. i love and respect beyonce, but i wasnt pressed to see her shw this year....esPESH after the BET awards joint....just wasnt my cup of tea, that's all. but, when my girl popped up with tickets for free ninety nine...well, yeah! :)
** lol an sidenote, new orleanians wait till the LAST min on essence tickets cause it's so likely someoneeeee will have a hookup or total freebie...case in point :)
so beyonce was doing her thing as always, she is an AMAZING performer, but when she sang Listen, i heard it in a whole new way.
i didnt really like the song much before that night. now, im sitting here LISTENing to LISTEN as i type :)
to me, the song put into words some of the feelings ive had lately. ive gone at it a bit with some of the ppl that i care about the most in this world...and in a way, i think part of my frustration and in turn anger stemmed from feeling like they werent LISTENINGGGG to me. i was yellin so much cause i was trying to be heard, but there were issues on both sides, especially mine, bc i wasnt doing very much listening either.
thats all a longgggggger story for another day, but i just wanted to mention that Bey really brought some light into my sitch. at one point she says
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
liii iiiss iisss sten :)
like i said, more to the story but not right now. im just glad to realize that im getting clearer on some of the issues in my life.
also, watching bey reminded me that i am an amazing woman,,,too many women, like me, forget that tooo often.
this past week ive been getting used to my new hair...ie lack thereof. i reallllyyy like it. i do, and i'd say if i didnt...but, im so not totally used to it yet. and my long hair was a security blanket in a way...
now, i get more looks because ppl are like oh wait, she doesnt have anyyyy hair. :) and im gettin used to what carlin looks like, because before i more saw carlin with hair...now its JUST CARLIN.
so i'll admit, more often than i'd prefer this past week, ive been a little down on myself. but this has been a lesson to me, no one can make you feel as bad as you make yourself feel. i finally woke up and said all these negative thots im having about myself..I HAVE TO STOP THEM. my parents cant, you cant.,,only i can manage how i feel about me.
so im very thankful to say that i am embracing and appreciating who carlin really is. i am very thankful for this journey.
and this journey soooo has a lot more to it :) ok bout to add another post but that's it for this one. :) lyrics to Listen below
lyrics:
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen
[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened
There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen
[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete
Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I got to find my own - my own
6.24.2009
sigh...the swan song for FB and Twitter but ACTUALLY about the N.O.
hola alllll.
ok so im not gonna start a book but it's been a while since the last entry so as you may imagine, i have a LOT on my mind.
let's start with this. my connection/let's admit it slight ADDICTIOn to facebook and now twitter are just overboard. and it's a love hate type thing. liiiike, i hate seeing what everyone else is doing alllll the time bc it effects me in ways it shouldnt. but then, why do i see it...because IIII log into these sites.
lol.
i love that facebook reconnected me with ppl i went to elementary school with, etc etc, ie ppl i lost touch with and then its like HELLOOOOO, they're married with kids or something, and its great to catch up.
however, my need to log in is just annoying. i havent read a book in forever...and i love to read. its time for at the very least a break from all this social networking. and that's just me. im not knocking anyone...its just a bit much.
also, in a way, facebook used to be kinda like a clubhouse, for us college aged kids to just be goofy, chill out, and say and do goofy stuff on the internet. now however, literally everyone and their MOTHER, TEACHER, PSYCHIATRIST, BOSS, NEPHEW and NIECE is on there. :) now, especially after ish like Katrina, i can truly appreciate a site that lets ppl connect. i just dont think that;s what facebook was supposed to be, that's MY opinion. it's like having your parents join you on your honeymoon....ummm, love you mom and dad...BUT NOOOOO. (and here's the disclaimer im not alluding to sex on the honeymoon, im just saying there's a time and place for everything). make money Mark Z, expand, do what you gotta do...but it's just not as fun anymore.
more than likely i will be back to facebook and poss twitter, cause i really do enjoy them. it;l just be at a much more scaled down level and i will not be on it as much...once i DO log back in...IF i do... :)
the ppl that really need to and want to get in touch with me will. email is a great invention, and with 6 degrees of separation you can get at me if you need to :)
but yeah, this all ties into me working out my way in life. sorry to make it so deep all of a sudden, but that's what 2009 seems to be shaping into for me. i realize i cannot map every step out, but i am sitting back and planning a little differently than i ever have. i think God got me back to New Orleans, my birthplace and roots, to refocus.
i mentioned this to my mom before i left VA, right as i realized it. I've come to New Orleans after alllll the monumental issues in my life.
lol that the major issues in my life really didnt kick start till last year in my opinion. but last year was my 1st breakup, and first time dealing with real family issues. in may of 08, i used free airtran flights to get back home, for like 2 weeks...and it was exactly what i needed.
not that i was running away from problems, but for the first time, i was breathing. there was nothing more that i could do for any of those situations...except let it ride. and if you know me...im not really a "let it ride person". ive neverr been toooo good at playing things by ear :) im pretttttty uptight. but guess what, im letting go of that. im chillin out so that life doesnt pass me by. im appreciating the little things and the big...but when i was moving so fast worrying about controlling or solving everything before...i wasnt appreciating all that i had, even in the midst of some storms.
then, ahhhhh, the somewhat infamous Facebook blowup...aimed mostly at Marquay but really at ANY and EVERY and ALLLL types of cheaters :) yup...even you....if you're any type of cheater.
im not tryna be mean, im being real, and sometimes the truth is painful. but basically, when i did all that on facebook, it was to maintain MY sanity...i had to push back, bc the level of disrespect had peaked. you know when in cartoons the characters can run to an isolated mountain and SCREAAAAM their lungs out? well, that's what i did, except it wasnt isolated. but ya know what, it felt better than just screaming into my pillow or punching a wall etc. bc i wanted ppl to know how i felt. i wanted him to knw how i reaaaaallly felt, not all the sugarcoated polite stuff i may have watered it down with before.
so....i put it on facebook. and i DONT regret it. it served it's purpose, which was to give me an outlet. and guess what i did a couple hours after those rage filled posts....
DINGGG!! went to new orleans. the trip was alreaddy planned. it just so happened to coincide with the day i let loose on quay on facebook.
and going to Jazzfest, this past april, was beautiful, and exactly what i needed.
so far i've been in new orleans for less than 24 hours :)
but i feel it. im not saying it's mystical or anything, im just sayin it's necessary. im not running from anyone :) promise...sometimes you just need to get your mind right...and this seems to be how i best get myyyy mind right.
i bring it back to the bottom of the map.
i hear all the insane accents and drawls and bayyyybaaaaaayyss one could imagine. i seeee alll the places i grew up around, in, next to, under, over...lol. i smell the same smellssss...TASTE the same AMAZING food.
and it brings me back. it re-centers me. it slows me down. it helps me think. it helps me believe again. it helps me see. it helps me love and remember that love will endure.
dont ask me how it does all this....lol...im just telling you that it does. im sitting in j will's ppl's big empty post katrina refurbished beautiful house (while BB sleeps, finally), with tears slowly coming down my face because im really seeing this is where im supposed to be.
right here.
right now.
i needed this. thank the Lord that i made it here. and I thank Him for what's to come.
i know it's gonna be beautiful. i know when i find true love its gonna be amazing, when i maintain full harmony with yall that are clossssest to me, its gonna be magnificent...when i see the fruits of my labor...its gonna be rewarding.
i remember someone saying the soil down here in the Delta is really rich, bc of the mississippi bringing in nutrients from upriver/states north of here.
maybe that's also a part of the pull for me down here. maybe the soil is so furtile that i just wanna be around it.
i think it's a lotta things....i also thot this post would just be about fb and twitter lol...but while this is the swan song for those two, its the start of a new beginning for Carlin.
and just like back in 84, it's gonna take place here...
im so thankful to call this place home. home is where the heart is, so my home is all overr the place actually...lol, VAaaaa, Indy, MD, DC, GA, Africa, etc etc etc...but this is where God first put me on this earth.
i think that was more than just a coincidence.
so if you looking for me i'll be here. and after that, i'll be all overr...but this is where it begins....again.
love yall, and miss some of yall but see you soon :)
sincerely,
carlin
ok so im not gonna start a book but it's been a while since the last entry so as you may imagine, i have a LOT on my mind.
let's start with this. my connection/let's admit it slight ADDICTIOn to facebook and now twitter are just overboard. and it's a love hate type thing. liiiike, i hate seeing what everyone else is doing alllll the time bc it effects me in ways it shouldnt. but then, why do i see it...because IIII log into these sites.
lol.
i love that facebook reconnected me with ppl i went to elementary school with, etc etc, ie ppl i lost touch with and then its like HELLOOOOO, they're married with kids or something, and its great to catch up.
however, my need to log in is just annoying. i havent read a book in forever...and i love to read. its time for at the very least a break from all this social networking. and that's just me. im not knocking anyone...its just a bit much.
also, in a way, facebook used to be kinda like a clubhouse, for us college aged kids to just be goofy, chill out, and say and do goofy stuff on the internet. now however, literally everyone and their MOTHER, TEACHER, PSYCHIATRIST, BOSS, NEPHEW and NIECE is on there. :) now, especially after ish like Katrina, i can truly appreciate a site that lets ppl connect. i just dont think that;s what facebook was supposed to be, that's MY opinion. it's like having your parents join you on your honeymoon....ummm, love you mom and dad...BUT NOOOOO. (and here's the disclaimer im not alluding to sex on the honeymoon, im just saying there's a time and place for everything). make money Mark Z, expand, do what you gotta do...but it's just not as fun anymore.
more than likely i will be back to facebook and poss twitter, cause i really do enjoy them. it;l just be at a much more scaled down level and i will not be on it as much...once i DO log back in...IF i do... :)
the ppl that really need to and want to get in touch with me will. email is a great invention, and with 6 degrees of separation you can get at me if you need to :)
but yeah, this all ties into me working out my way in life. sorry to make it so deep all of a sudden, but that's what 2009 seems to be shaping into for me. i realize i cannot map every step out, but i am sitting back and planning a little differently than i ever have. i think God got me back to New Orleans, my birthplace and roots, to refocus.
i mentioned this to my mom before i left VA, right as i realized it. I've come to New Orleans after alllll the monumental issues in my life.
lol that the major issues in my life really didnt kick start till last year in my opinion. but last year was my 1st breakup, and first time dealing with real family issues. in may of 08, i used free airtran flights to get back home, for like 2 weeks...and it was exactly what i needed.
not that i was running away from problems, but for the first time, i was breathing. there was nothing more that i could do for any of those situations...except let it ride. and if you know me...im not really a "let it ride person". ive neverr been toooo good at playing things by ear :) im pretttttty uptight. but guess what, im letting go of that. im chillin out so that life doesnt pass me by. im appreciating the little things and the big...but when i was moving so fast worrying about controlling or solving everything before...i wasnt appreciating all that i had, even in the midst of some storms.
then, ahhhhh, the somewhat infamous Facebook blowup...aimed mostly at Marquay but really at ANY and EVERY and ALLLL types of cheaters :) yup...even you....if you're any type of cheater.
im not tryna be mean, im being real, and sometimes the truth is painful. but basically, when i did all that on facebook, it was to maintain MY sanity...i had to push back, bc the level of disrespect had peaked. you know when in cartoons the characters can run to an isolated mountain and SCREAAAAM their lungs out? well, that's what i did, except it wasnt isolated. but ya know what, it felt better than just screaming into my pillow or punching a wall etc. bc i wanted ppl to know how i felt. i wanted him to knw how i reaaaaallly felt, not all the sugarcoated polite stuff i may have watered it down with before.
so....i put it on facebook. and i DONT regret it. it served it's purpose, which was to give me an outlet. and guess what i did a couple hours after those rage filled posts....
DINGGG!! went to new orleans. the trip was alreaddy planned. it just so happened to coincide with the day i let loose on quay on facebook.
and going to Jazzfest, this past april, was beautiful, and exactly what i needed.
so far i've been in new orleans for less than 24 hours :)
but i feel it. im not saying it's mystical or anything, im just sayin it's necessary. im not running from anyone :) promise...sometimes you just need to get your mind right...and this seems to be how i best get myyyy mind right.
i bring it back to the bottom of the map.
i hear all the insane accents and drawls and bayyyybaaaaaayyss one could imagine. i seeee alll the places i grew up around, in, next to, under, over...lol. i smell the same smellssss...TASTE the same AMAZING food.
and it brings me back. it re-centers me. it slows me down. it helps me think. it helps me believe again. it helps me see. it helps me love and remember that love will endure.
dont ask me how it does all this....lol...im just telling you that it does. im sitting in j will's ppl's big empty post katrina refurbished beautiful house (while BB sleeps, finally), with tears slowly coming down my face because im really seeing this is where im supposed to be.
right here.
right now.
i needed this. thank the Lord that i made it here. and I thank Him for what's to come.
i know it's gonna be beautiful. i know when i find true love its gonna be amazing, when i maintain full harmony with yall that are clossssest to me, its gonna be magnificent...when i see the fruits of my labor...its gonna be rewarding.
i remember someone saying the soil down here in the Delta is really rich, bc of the mississippi bringing in nutrients from upriver/states north of here.
maybe that's also a part of the pull for me down here. maybe the soil is so furtile that i just wanna be around it.
i think it's a lotta things....i also thot this post would just be about fb and twitter lol...but while this is the swan song for those two, its the start of a new beginning for Carlin.
and just like back in 84, it's gonna take place here...
im so thankful to call this place home. home is where the heart is, so my home is all overr the place actually...lol, VAaaaa, Indy, MD, DC, GA, Africa, etc etc etc...but this is where God first put me on this earth.
i think that was more than just a coincidence.
so if you looking for me i'll be here. and after that, i'll be all overr...but this is where it begins....again.
love yall, and miss some of yall but see you soon :)
sincerely,
carlin
6.18.2009
running but here's whats coming:
1. when i date again, i'll require a dude that likes my lipgloss. seriously. or find one for me...i'll explain
2. protesting at PETA tom morning when they refuse to babysit my pet flies
3. buying cd's from walmart to curb my cursing
4. how do you become a hype man...apply, aspire??
5. men should wear signs when w a girl that's not their GIRL....lol
bout to spend some family time so neeeed to get off this computer. but yes, its goign down at PETA headquarters tomorrow morning...and based on the 5 randoms above, i feel like saying quite a bit right. i'll get to it, sooooon!!! just not right now....family here i comeeeee.. it's very rude of me staying on the comp like this....so PEACE OUT :)
sincerely,
carlin
2. protesting at PETA tom morning when they refuse to babysit my pet flies
3. buying cd's from walmart to curb my cursing
4. how do you become a hype man...apply, aspire??
5. men should wear signs when w a girl that's not their GIRL....lol
bout to spend some family time so neeeed to get off this computer. but yes, its goign down at PETA headquarters tomorrow morning...and based on the 5 randoms above, i feel like saying quite a bit right. i'll get to it, sooooon!!! just not right now....family here i comeeeee.. it's very rude of me staying on the comp like this....so PEACE OUT :)
sincerely,
carlin
6.17.2009
i do care.
i want you to know that. as i continue to slow down, i see that my brashness, my fearlessness, my focus...sometimes it seems like i dont care.
but tonight i accepted something and wanted you to know...i do care.
i do care what otherr people think, and how you feel.
...but it will not make or break me. see, many of you, in fact EVERYONE, even the inner circle, can say that since about march of this year, i am a different person.
well here's a big part of the difference. ive always had many of these same thoughts and feelings inside of me. but life, life finally pulled them out. and i dont think im unique in this. i think that ppl look at this blog bc in some way they relate, and for some of you, im sayin stuff thats not far off of what you at some point have thought or felt....but for SOME reason, did not share.
since i was a child, i have always cared greatly for other ppl.
my ex called it being too nice, others call it being extra, family sometimes calls it naivety and vulnerability.
but here's the thing ppl. i really am not scared of much in this world. im not bragging. i just really am not. i'm not scared of black dudes at night with hoodies. im not scared of bald white guys with rebel flag tatts in mississippi. im not scared of dick cheney on a hunting trip...
not because i think im invincible. but because i know that we are all ppl. i know that you are someone;s child just like me, and most importantly, IN my OPINION, we all come from the same creator.
and also, i can see your humanness.
i may have just made that word up, but it's perfect.
you prob already consider me a little weird and thats good :). because i mean it, no matter how bad someone may seem, i always can imagine them laughing with someone, caring about someone, hurting about something.
that's why i smile at ppl when they pass me. not cause i want your number...but bc we;re both human, passing by, on the same street, at the same time. and im just saying hi.
this post kinda came out of me reflecting on the past few months...cause they've been filled with conflict with the ppl i love the most. and when im alone i just sit and wonder what the heck am i doing to drive these wedges between us????? sometimes my anger and frustration comes out sooooooo wrong. sometimes im soooooo fucking mean. and im sorry to curse but thats the perfect description. my meanness pushes the ones i care about most away. it makes them question how much i love them, or even want them with me.
life is so intense because its really a challenge to say and do what you really MEAN. im sitting here crying as i type this because if i could lay my heart out for each of you to read my true intent and desires, then everything would be fine again. we would all understand each other, and most importantly to me, you would understand my goals.
i started this blog alone bc i wanted it to be a family endeavor. but ever since i got back from school, we've been too preoccuppied w issssues to do it. so i went ahead. << this is a perfect example of my motivation behind many of my actions. this blog is not only to help me, its to help others possibly feel like they are not ALONE in some of their mistakes, falters, doubts, and confusions. bc when i was really down, God gave me other ppl that shared their own pains with me. and it made me forgive myself. it made me stop beating myself up.
thats why in one of my older posts i say kids in bad living situations arent trippin off what carlin lewis puts on facebook etc. they're hurting bc their mom is strung out and the dont know their father.
and my goal is to change shit like that. pardon my french. but that's exactly what those situations are, unnecessary bullshit caused by ppl that arent being responsible for a LOT of reasons.
i am going to help make this a better world. and if i ever seem like i dont care about something between us, its because im seeing bigger issues. too many ppl are suffering!!!!!
i know our lives seeeeem really hard right now, but if you're able, like me, to even access a computer whenever you please, then you are better off than a lot of others.
its cyclical. the problems in this world keep repeating themselves.
caring will help solve them. it sounds corny but that's cause it's simple.
si many of us have great care inside our hearts...but how often do we show it? instead, bc its a cold bitter world, we face most days, cold, and bitter. but why??? doesnt it feel better to see a freaking smile than a scowl. just try it. and when we get past a lot of the unnecessary or MINOR issues, then we can start conquering these mountains of CRAP we;ve all helped build.
so like i said. i do care. i care so much, about all of yall, my family, my friends, my ex friends, my enemies, and the strangers. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i like it like that. bc maybe itl touch someone who;s never seen someone else's heart.
maybe it wont...but im willing to take that chance.
and dont worry, im not reckless nor naive. my life has taught me a lot. ive seen that you can find bad anywhere, but thankfully there is good everywhere too.
we all have the propensity to be whatever we want. i want to be a believer...i want to keep believing that we can make a change. i want to keep believing that change really is gon come.
pls. think a lotta things about me....im a jerk, im a smartass, im bossy, im tempermental, im needy, im extra, im hyper, im persistent etc etc...but pls dont ever think i dont care.
i dont even like when ppl answer questions like "can i borrow this?" with an "i dont care"....lol
once again, another disjointed, mind of carlin rant kinda sorta...but it kept me from falling asleep. sometimes my pride gets in the way and i dont show it...but i care. i wont let any of you bring me down...but in some way, i will always care...thats why i havent just up and moved into the unabombers vacant cabin...cause i wanna interact, i wanna work together, i wanna be a part of you guys, not APART. :)
im just a little different. im just a little rough around ALL edges. but i do thnk we;ll figure it out...soon.
love you all.
thanks for reading. this really is fun...tears and all.
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. i dont cry nearly as much as i used to...so the tears that fell tonight....priceless.
i want you to know that. as i continue to slow down, i see that my brashness, my fearlessness, my focus...sometimes it seems like i dont care.
but tonight i accepted something and wanted you to know...i do care.
i do care what otherr people think, and how you feel.
...but it will not make or break me. see, many of you, in fact EVERYONE, even the inner circle, can say that since about march of this year, i am a different person.
well here's a big part of the difference. ive always had many of these same thoughts and feelings inside of me. but life, life finally pulled them out. and i dont think im unique in this. i think that ppl look at this blog bc in some way they relate, and for some of you, im sayin stuff thats not far off of what you at some point have thought or felt....but for SOME reason, did not share.
since i was a child, i have always cared greatly for other ppl.
my ex called it being too nice, others call it being extra, family sometimes calls it naivety and vulnerability.
but here's the thing ppl. i really am not scared of much in this world. im not bragging. i just really am not. i'm not scared of black dudes at night with hoodies. im not scared of bald white guys with rebel flag tatts in mississippi. im not scared of dick cheney on a hunting trip...
not because i think im invincible. but because i know that we are all ppl. i know that you are someone;s child just like me, and most importantly, IN my OPINION, we all come from the same creator.
and also, i can see your humanness.
i may have just made that word up, but it's perfect.
you prob already consider me a little weird and thats good :). because i mean it, no matter how bad someone may seem, i always can imagine them laughing with someone, caring about someone, hurting about something.
that's why i smile at ppl when they pass me. not cause i want your number...but bc we;re both human, passing by, on the same street, at the same time. and im just saying hi.
this post kinda came out of me reflecting on the past few months...cause they've been filled with conflict with the ppl i love the most. and when im alone i just sit and wonder what the heck am i doing to drive these wedges between us????? sometimes my anger and frustration comes out sooooooo wrong. sometimes im soooooo fucking mean. and im sorry to curse but thats the perfect description. my meanness pushes the ones i care about most away. it makes them question how much i love them, or even want them with me.
life is so intense because its really a challenge to say and do what you really MEAN. im sitting here crying as i type this because if i could lay my heart out for each of you to read my true intent and desires, then everything would be fine again. we would all understand each other, and most importantly to me, you would understand my goals.
i started this blog alone bc i wanted it to be a family endeavor. but ever since i got back from school, we've been too preoccuppied w issssues to do it. so i went ahead. << this is a perfect example of my motivation behind many of my actions. this blog is not only to help me, its to help others possibly feel like they are not ALONE in some of their mistakes, falters, doubts, and confusions. bc when i was really down, God gave me other ppl that shared their own pains with me. and it made me forgive myself. it made me stop beating myself up.
thats why in one of my older posts i say kids in bad living situations arent trippin off what carlin lewis puts on facebook etc. they're hurting bc their mom is strung out and the dont know their father.
and my goal is to change shit like that. pardon my french. but that's exactly what those situations are, unnecessary bullshit caused by ppl that arent being responsible for a LOT of reasons.
i am going to help make this a better world. and if i ever seem like i dont care about something between us, its because im seeing bigger issues. too many ppl are suffering!!!!!
i know our lives seeeeem really hard right now, but if you're able, like me, to even access a computer whenever you please, then you are better off than a lot of others.
its cyclical. the problems in this world keep repeating themselves.
caring will help solve them. it sounds corny but that's cause it's simple.
si many of us have great care inside our hearts...but how often do we show it? instead, bc its a cold bitter world, we face most days, cold, and bitter. but why??? doesnt it feel better to see a freaking smile than a scowl. just try it. and when we get past a lot of the unnecessary or MINOR issues, then we can start conquering these mountains of CRAP we;ve all helped build.
so like i said. i do care. i care so much, about all of yall, my family, my friends, my ex friends, my enemies, and the strangers. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i like it like that. bc maybe itl touch someone who;s never seen someone else's heart.
maybe it wont...but im willing to take that chance.
and dont worry, im not reckless nor naive. my life has taught me a lot. ive seen that you can find bad anywhere, but thankfully there is good everywhere too.
we all have the propensity to be whatever we want. i want to be a believer...i want to keep believing that we can make a change. i want to keep believing that change really is gon come.
pls. think a lotta things about me....im a jerk, im a smartass, im bossy, im tempermental, im needy, im extra, im hyper, im persistent etc etc...but pls dont ever think i dont care.
i dont even like when ppl answer questions like "can i borrow this?" with an "i dont care"....lol
once again, another disjointed, mind of carlin rant kinda sorta...but it kept me from falling asleep. sometimes my pride gets in the way and i dont show it...but i care. i wont let any of you bring me down...but in some way, i will always care...thats why i havent just up and moved into the unabombers vacant cabin...cause i wanna interact, i wanna work together, i wanna be a part of you guys, not APART. :)
im just a little different. im just a little rough around ALL edges. but i do thnk we;ll figure it out...soon.
love you all.
thanks for reading. this really is fun...tears and all.
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. i dont cry nearly as much as i used to...so the tears that fell tonight....priceless.
6.15.2009
long hair dont care :) for now
ok so it goes like this. i';ve already said it quite a few times but God is that DUDE.
so, he took care of my fam in a major way last november/december. my sister dealt with aplastic anemia. life threatening. but not cancer. before the diagnosis, they thot it may have been leukemia. now, being the smart ppl that my parents and sister are, they did not tell me it coulda been leukemia cause i would have driven from indy to va in 4.3 seconds flat. first semester exams...not for carlin...but it didnt come to that.
so, if you've been keeping up, my sister DID NOT have cancer, and she was/is also healed from the sickness she did have (and i mean healed and blessed in a big way, ie graduated this may, ON TIIIIME, from college, with HONORS...yeah, negroes and others dont graduate w their FULL health, on time...).
so, lots to be thankful for right. yeah, lots.
so around april im studying with a homie from law school, well actually pretending to study ie facebooking and talking, and she says carlin you could pull off a bald head.
LOL. okkk. thanks girly, but nawww, do you see how big my head is?? lol. trust me, i know i have a 5head, theres only more lurking below these locks.
but then she went on to tell me about this org called st.baldrick's day. basically ppl raise money by getting pledges baseed on them saying and then SHAVING their heads.
usually it's mostly guys, but when girls do it, it def pulls in more funds and attention. and the funds and attention go to finding a cure for childhood cancer.
lemme tie it all together for sommme of you out there.
when my homegirl mentioned this st.baldrick's piece, i thot that itd be a great way to show my concern for cancer patients, but also my elation that my sister was spared. so it's 50 50.
and the more i thot about it, the more i saw how maybe, for a little girl thats going through chemo and just lost her hair...maybe seeing an older girl/woman (slash bc i dont feel grown like a woman, but technically i am...i guess. almost) cut her hair may make that little girl feel less self conscious and sad.
maybe it wont. but im gonna take that chance.
here's the humorous part. lots of ppl dont think itl happen. and i am admitting, in the last month i had punked out and said i wasnt gonna do it and that i only wanted to do it to act out.
well, today i realized that i wanna do it to show my concern for anyone afflicted with cancer, bc it has touched us ALL in some way.
and yes, it will be liberating to cut my hair, which i have never done before aside from getting the ends clipped for maintenance.
i have no ideaaaa how i'll look, but worse case i'll throw a scarf on. and based on my fam's track record and a little indian in the blood our hair seems to grow pretty quickly. lol. but maybe it wontt. my reason for doing this is mainly the cancer funds, but also because i am not my hair.
its really funny, the most opposition ive gotten on this endeavor is from black men. being from new orleans, down there especially, long hair, light skin = you can have whatever you liiiike. lol. but for real. culturally we are just brain washed. dont worry, i could go on and on about this, but i shant, not tonight at least.
if someone is only interested cause of my hair, or mostly bc of it, thaaanks, but no thanks. i guess this will be a good way to find out right?? lol.
another small part of why i punked out was bc i was worried about a dude's reaction. sheeeeeeeeeeesh right. but yeah...i was like "i can just do relay for life instead...let's not take a chance and desert this long hair..., hEEE wont like it."
lol. i tell ya. life is a funny funny journey. so much is easier said than done.
so keep an eye out...imma put in work tomorrow on the specifics, already been in touch with the foundation. if you wanna help out in any way, getting your head shaved with me, or donating, or helping organize, or performing at the event, pipe up. should be going down about a month from now, in new orleans through my church. lets goooo :)
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. sooo not tryna be like kanye's cute chick, or cassie, or lala etc. i hope i look as cute as they do with it...but its a tosssss upppp. lol.
flashing...lights...
lol. kinda random, but i'll expand eventually. im just sideline watchn ppl out there, mostly (but not just) from my alma mater, that are hung up on celebrity. liiike, wanna be famous.
im not preaching, or teaching or JUDGING. just observing, and these are my thots.
if you're chasing a lifestyle, who defines that lifestyle?
have fun. i just think your real life, might pass you by...while you're styling...
ONE definition of style: a mode of living, as with respect to expense or display.
so when does the show end?
be real. fight the fake. bc anybody can be famous, just make sure its worthwhile, and worth remembering...are you part of the solution, or part of the problem? what will you be famous for...i'm just asking. i'd like to hear the answer, seriously. email or message me, tell us in the comments. :) cause im not a hater, i want us ALL to prosper. im just not blind either, and IN MY OPINION, a lotta yal are see thru, as in we see thru your facade.
transparency is good. falsifying you is not.
aGain, and i do this for the remedial ones, im not judging, get the money if you can, but doNt fake it. thats all.
only you can be you.
sincerely,
carlin
im not preaching, or teaching or JUDGING. just observing, and these are my thots.
if you're chasing a lifestyle, who defines that lifestyle?
have fun. i just think your real life, might pass you by...while you're styling...
ONE definition of style: a mode of living, as with respect to expense or display.
so when does the show end?
be real. fight the fake. bc anybody can be famous, just make sure its worthwhile, and worth remembering...are you part of the solution, or part of the problem? what will you be famous for...i'm just asking. i'd like to hear the answer, seriously. email or message me, tell us in the comments. :) cause im not a hater, i want us ALL to prosper. im just not blind either, and IN MY OPINION, a lotta yal are see thru, as in we see thru your facade.
transparency is good. falsifying you is not.
aGain, and i do this for the remedial ones, im not judging, get the money if you can, but doNt fake it. thats all.
only you can be you.
sincerely,
carlin
man...
not much to say. just that its a trip how emotions can rock you sometimes right? that particular person can say just the right thing to get under your skin and everything is out the window...
every blessing, every success, every miracle...it just gets overshadowed by the front and center bullshit that's sitting on your chest at this veryyy moment.
im sorry to curse and im really trying to stop especially bc my mom and my sister hate it. but sheeesh. sometimes its just like that.
i really have come to see that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes inthe morning ligght...
sometimes that weeping doesnt always mean tears, and most times, that night doesnt just mean a "night". but i know the morning will come...it always has.
i know im stubborn, i know i can be obstinate...but im working on it. lately some of the men in my life have just dropped the ball. but maybe it was me simply recognizing that they are merely human...and not the supermen i used to rely on. i dont think im needy, altho some may disagree...i simply seem to keep my expectations too high, re other people.
i really think that Obama is as strong and calm/collected as he is because he dealt with adversity early in life. like one of my best buds he grew up without his father. i think that dealing with that as a child makes you super strong, very quickly.
as always my thoughts are random, but ah well. this is my diary, it just so happens to be open to you.
early on my girl and obama learned that people will let you down. they each had tremendous families and support from friends, but at the end of the day, i think that they know that all they really have is themselves in this world. (fyi, i knw God is always with me, so when i say "i'm all i have" i mean re peOple...not Him)
i'm not a hermit. i'm not a recluse. i'm not cut off from the world. i have a stellar family and set of friends that i wouldnt trade.
sometimes tho, you just wanna be understood.
and when those closest to you dont understand, it simply sucks.
it simply feels like ugggh.
its an old saying, but dmx reiterated it. if you love something let it go, if it comes back, then it's really yours. < i used to think that only referred to romantic love with a guy, but now i see it applies to true friends and family. you can only explain and ask for but so much. eventually you gotta just let go, and let God and that person work it out.
and hopefully, they come back to you.
cause this is all really hard without you.
we were so close...and im NOTTT talking about juuust quay right now. shit. i have more to my life than him (you simply see his name on here & not others bc they cant handle it right now). i'm talking about someone i never thot would or could walk away. more importantly figuratively than literally. and maybe you didnt mean to, buut it feels like you're gone.
but.....weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes...in the morning light.
love will endure. its just kinda tough right now. but we'll make it.
sincerely,
carlin...aka bean...aka beans... :\
p.s. this post may not have made any sense to you...but it's what i needed to say.
every blessing, every success, every miracle...it just gets overshadowed by the front and center bullshit that's sitting on your chest at this veryyy moment.
im sorry to curse and im really trying to stop especially bc my mom and my sister hate it. but sheeesh. sometimes its just like that.
i really have come to see that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes inthe morning ligght...
sometimes that weeping doesnt always mean tears, and most times, that night doesnt just mean a "night". but i know the morning will come...it always has.
i know im stubborn, i know i can be obstinate...but im working on it. lately some of the men in my life have just dropped the ball. but maybe it was me simply recognizing that they are merely human...and not the supermen i used to rely on. i dont think im needy, altho some may disagree...i simply seem to keep my expectations too high, re other people.
i really think that Obama is as strong and calm/collected as he is because he dealt with adversity early in life. like one of my best buds he grew up without his father. i think that dealing with that as a child makes you super strong, very quickly.
as always my thoughts are random, but ah well. this is my diary, it just so happens to be open to you.
early on my girl and obama learned that people will let you down. they each had tremendous families and support from friends, but at the end of the day, i think that they know that all they really have is themselves in this world. (fyi, i knw God is always with me, so when i say "i'm all i have" i mean re peOple...not Him)
i'm not a hermit. i'm not a recluse. i'm not cut off from the world. i have a stellar family and set of friends that i wouldnt trade.
sometimes tho, you just wanna be understood.
and when those closest to you dont understand, it simply sucks.
it simply feels like ugggh.
its an old saying, but dmx reiterated it. if you love something let it go, if it comes back, then it's really yours. < i used to think that only referred to romantic love with a guy, but now i see it applies to true friends and family. you can only explain and ask for but so much. eventually you gotta just let go, and let God and that person work it out.
and hopefully, they come back to you.
cause this is all really hard without you.
we were so close...and im NOTTT talking about juuust quay right now. shit. i have more to my life than him (you simply see his name on here & not others bc they cant handle it right now). i'm talking about someone i never thot would or could walk away. more importantly figuratively than literally. and maybe you didnt mean to, buut it feels like you're gone.
but.....weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes...in the morning light.
love will endure. its just kinda tough right now. but we'll make it.
sincerely,
carlin...aka bean...aka beans... :\
p.s. this post may not have made any sense to you...but it's what i needed to say.
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