1. when i date again, i'll require a dude that likes my lipgloss. seriously. or find one for me...i'll explain
2. protesting at PETA tom morning when they refuse to babysit my pet flies
3. buying cd's from walmart to curb my cursing
4. how do you become a hype man...apply, aspire??
5. men should wear signs when w a girl that's not their GIRL....lol
bout to spend some family time so neeeed to get off this computer. but yes, its goign down at PETA headquarters tomorrow morning...and based on the 5 randoms above, i feel like saying quite a bit right. i'll get to it, sooooon!!! just not right now....family here i comeeeee.. it's very rude of me staying on the comp like this....so PEACE OUT :)
sincerely,
carlin
6.18.2009
6.17.2009
i do care.
i want you to know that. as i continue to slow down, i see that my brashness, my fearlessness, my focus...sometimes it seems like i dont care.
but tonight i accepted something and wanted you to know...i do care.
i do care what otherr people think, and how you feel.
...but it will not make or break me. see, many of you, in fact EVERYONE, even the inner circle, can say that since about march of this year, i am a different person.
well here's a big part of the difference. ive always had many of these same thoughts and feelings inside of me. but life, life finally pulled them out. and i dont think im unique in this. i think that ppl look at this blog bc in some way they relate, and for some of you, im sayin stuff thats not far off of what you at some point have thought or felt....but for SOME reason, did not share.
since i was a child, i have always cared greatly for other ppl.
my ex called it being too nice, others call it being extra, family sometimes calls it naivety and vulnerability.
but here's the thing ppl. i really am not scared of much in this world. im not bragging. i just really am not. i'm not scared of black dudes at night with hoodies. im not scared of bald white guys with rebel flag tatts in mississippi. im not scared of dick cheney on a hunting trip...
not because i think im invincible. but because i know that we are all ppl. i know that you are someone;s child just like me, and most importantly, IN my OPINION, we all come from the same creator.
and also, i can see your humanness.
i may have just made that word up, but it's perfect.
you prob already consider me a little weird and thats good :). because i mean it, no matter how bad someone may seem, i always can imagine them laughing with someone, caring about someone, hurting about something.
that's why i smile at ppl when they pass me. not cause i want your number...but bc we;re both human, passing by, on the same street, at the same time. and im just saying hi.
this post kinda came out of me reflecting on the past few months...cause they've been filled with conflict with the ppl i love the most. and when im alone i just sit and wonder what the heck am i doing to drive these wedges between us????? sometimes my anger and frustration comes out sooooooo wrong. sometimes im soooooo fucking mean. and im sorry to curse but thats the perfect description. my meanness pushes the ones i care about most away. it makes them question how much i love them, or even want them with me.
life is so intense because its really a challenge to say and do what you really MEAN. im sitting here crying as i type this because if i could lay my heart out for each of you to read my true intent and desires, then everything would be fine again. we would all understand each other, and most importantly to me, you would understand my goals.
i started this blog alone bc i wanted it to be a family endeavor. but ever since i got back from school, we've been too preoccuppied w issssues to do it. so i went ahead. << this is a perfect example of my motivation behind many of my actions. this blog is not only to help me, its to help others possibly feel like they are not ALONE in some of their mistakes, falters, doubts, and confusions. bc when i was really down, God gave me other ppl that shared their own pains with me. and it made me forgive myself. it made me stop beating myself up.
thats why in one of my older posts i say kids in bad living situations arent trippin off what carlin lewis puts on facebook etc. they're hurting bc their mom is strung out and the dont know their father.
and my goal is to change shit like that. pardon my french. but that's exactly what those situations are, unnecessary bullshit caused by ppl that arent being responsible for a LOT of reasons.
i am going to help make this a better world. and if i ever seem like i dont care about something between us, its because im seeing bigger issues. too many ppl are suffering!!!!!
i know our lives seeeeem really hard right now, but if you're able, like me, to even access a computer whenever you please, then you are better off than a lot of others.
its cyclical. the problems in this world keep repeating themselves.
caring will help solve them. it sounds corny but that's cause it's simple.
si many of us have great care inside our hearts...but how often do we show it? instead, bc its a cold bitter world, we face most days, cold, and bitter. but why??? doesnt it feel better to see a freaking smile than a scowl. just try it. and when we get past a lot of the unnecessary or MINOR issues, then we can start conquering these mountains of CRAP we;ve all helped build.
so like i said. i do care. i care so much, about all of yall, my family, my friends, my ex friends, my enemies, and the strangers. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i like it like that. bc maybe itl touch someone who;s never seen someone else's heart.
maybe it wont...but im willing to take that chance.
and dont worry, im not reckless nor naive. my life has taught me a lot. ive seen that you can find bad anywhere, but thankfully there is good everywhere too.
we all have the propensity to be whatever we want. i want to be a believer...i want to keep believing that we can make a change. i want to keep believing that change really is gon come.
pls. think a lotta things about me....im a jerk, im a smartass, im bossy, im tempermental, im needy, im extra, im hyper, im persistent etc etc...but pls dont ever think i dont care.
i dont even like when ppl answer questions like "can i borrow this?" with an "i dont care"....lol
once again, another disjointed, mind of carlin rant kinda sorta...but it kept me from falling asleep. sometimes my pride gets in the way and i dont show it...but i care. i wont let any of you bring me down...but in some way, i will always care...thats why i havent just up and moved into the unabombers vacant cabin...cause i wanna interact, i wanna work together, i wanna be a part of you guys, not APART. :)
im just a little different. im just a little rough around ALL edges. but i do thnk we;ll figure it out...soon.
love you all.
thanks for reading. this really is fun...tears and all.
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. i dont cry nearly as much as i used to...so the tears that fell tonight....priceless.
i want you to know that. as i continue to slow down, i see that my brashness, my fearlessness, my focus...sometimes it seems like i dont care.
but tonight i accepted something and wanted you to know...i do care.
i do care what otherr people think, and how you feel.
...but it will not make or break me. see, many of you, in fact EVERYONE, even the inner circle, can say that since about march of this year, i am a different person.
well here's a big part of the difference. ive always had many of these same thoughts and feelings inside of me. but life, life finally pulled them out. and i dont think im unique in this. i think that ppl look at this blog bc in some way they relate, and for some of you, im sayin stuff thats not far off of what you at some point have thought or felt....but for SOME reason, did not share.
since i was a child, i have always cared greatly for other ppl.
my ex called it being too nice, others call it being extra, family sometimes calls it naivety and vulnerability.
but here's the thing ppl. i really am not scared of much in this world. im not bragging. i just really am not. i'm not scared of black dudes at night with hoodies. im not scared of bald white guys with rebel flag tatts in mississippi. im not scared of dick cheney on a hunting trip...
not because i think im invincible. but because i know that we are all ppl. i know that you are someone;s child just like me, and most importantly, IN my OPINION, we all come from the same creator.
and also, i can see your humanness.
i may have just made that word up, but it's perfect.
you prob already consider me a little weird and thats good :). because i mean it, no matter how bad someone may seem, i always can imagine them laughing with someone, caring about someone, hurting about something.
that's why i smile at ppl when they pass me. not cause i want your number...but bc we;re both human, passing by, on the same street, at the same time. and im just saying hi.
this post kinda came out of me reflecting on the past few months...cause they've been filled with conflict with the ppl i love the most. and when im alone i just sit and wonder what the heck am i doing to drive these wedges between us????? sometimes my anger and frustration comes out sooooooo wrong. sometimes im soooooo fucking mean. and im sorry to curse but thats the perfect description. my meanness pushes the ones i care about most away. it makes them question how much i love them, or even want them with me.
life is so intense because its really a challenge to say and do what you really MEAN. im sitting here crying as i type this because if i could lay my heart out for each of you to read my true intent and desires, then everything would be fine again. we would all understand each other, and most importantly to me, you would understand my goals.
i started this blog alone bc i wanted it to be a family endeavor. but ever since i got back from school, we've been too preoccuppied w issssues to do it. so i went ahead. << this is a perfect example of my motivation behind many of my actions. this blog is not only to help me, its to help others possibly feel like they are not ALONE in some of their mistakes, falters, doubts, and confusions. bc when i was really down, God gave me other ppl that shared their own pains with me. and it made me forgive myself. it made me stop beating myself up.
thats why in one of my older posts i say kids in bad living situations arent trippin off what carlin lewis puts on facebook etc. they're hurting bc their mom is strung out and the dont know their father.
and my goal is to change shit like that. pardon my french. but that's exactly what those situations are, unnecessary bullshit caused by ppl that arent being responsible for a LOT of reasons.
i am going to help make this a better world. and if i ever seem like i dont care about something between us, its because im seeing bigger issues. too many ppl are suffering!!!!!
i know our lives seeeeem really hard right now, but if you're able, like me, to even access a computer whenever you please, then you are better off than a lot of others.
its cyclical. the problems in this world keep repeating themselves.
caring will help solve them. it sounds corny but that's cause it's simple.
si many of us have great care inside our hearts...but how often do we show it? instead, bc its a cold bitter world, we face most days, cold, and bitter. but why??? doesnt it feel better to see a freaking smile than a scowl. just try it. and when we get past a lot of the unnecessary or MINOR issues, then we can start conquering these mountains of CRAP we;ve all helped build.
so like i said. i do care. i care so much, about all of yall, my family, my friends, my ex friends, my enemies, and the strangers. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i like it like that. bc maybe itl touch someone who;s never seen someone else's heart.
maybe it wont...but im willing to take that chance.
and dont worry, im not reckless nor naive. my life has taught me a lot. ive seen that you can find bad anywhere, but thankfully there is good everywhere too.
we all have the propensity to be whatever we want. i want to be a believer...i want to keep believing that we can make a change. i want to keep believing that change really is gon come.
pls. think a lotta things about me....im a jerk, im a smartass, im bossy, im tempermental, im needy, im extra, im hyper, im persistent etc etc...but pls dont ever think i dont care.
i dont even like when ppl answer questions like "can i borrow this?" with an "i dont care"....lol
once again, another disjointed, mind of carlin rant kinda sorta...but it kept me from falling asleep. sometimes my pride gets in the way and i dont show it...but i care. i wont let any of you bring me down...but in some way, i will always care...thats why i havent just up and moved into the unabombers vacant cabin...cause i wanna interact, i wanna work together, i wanna be a part of you guys, not APART. :)
im just a little different. im just a little rough around ALL edges. but i do thnk we;ll figure it out...soon.
love you all.
thanks for reading. this really is fun...tears and all.
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. i dont cry nearly as much as i used to...so the tears that fell tonight....priceless.
6.15.2009
long hair dont care :) for now
ok so it goes like this. i';ve already said it quite a few times but God is that DUDE.
so, he took care of my fam in a major way last november/december. my sister dealt with aplastic anemia. life threatening. but not cancer. before the diagnosis, they thot it may have been leukemia. now, being the smart ppl that my parents and sister are, they did not tell me it coulda been leukemia cause i would have driven from indy to va in 4.3 seconds flat. first semester exams...not for carlin...but it didnt come to that.
so, if you've been keeping up, my sister DID NOT have cancer, and she was/is also healed from the sickness she did have (and i mean healed and blessed in a big way, ie graduated this may, ON TIIIIME, from college, with HONORS...yeah, negroes and others dont graduate w their FULL health, on time...).
so, lots to be thankful for right. yeah, lots.
so around april im studying with a homie from law school, well actually pretending to study ie facebooking and talking, and she says carlin you could pull off a bald head.
LOL. okkk. thanks girly, but nawww, do you see how big my head is?? lol. trust me, i know i have a 5head, theres only more lurking below these locks.
but then she went on to tell me about this org called st.baldrick's day. basically ppl raise money by getting pledges baseed on them saying and then SHAVING their heads.
usually it's mostly guys, but when girls do it, it def pulls in more funds and attention. and the funds and attention go to finding a cure for childhood cancer.
lemme tie it all together for sommme of you out there.
when my homegirl mentioned this st.baldrick's piece, i thot that itd be a great way to show my concern for cancer patients, but also my elation that my sister was spared. so it's 50 50.
and the more i thot about it, the more i saw how maybe, for a little girl thats going through chemo and just lost her hair...maybe seeing an older girl/woman (slash bc i dont feel grown like a woman, but technically i am...i guess. almost) cut her hair may make that little girl feel less self conscious and sad.
maybe it wont. but im gonna take that chance.
here's the humorous part. lots of ppl dont think itl happen. and i am admitting, in the last month i had punked out and said i wasnt gonna do it and that i only wanted to do it to act out.
well, today i realized that i wanna do it to show my concern for anyone afflicted with cancer, bc it has touched us ALL in some way.
and yes, it will be liberating to cut my hair, which i have never done before aside from getting the ends clipped for maintenance.
i have no ideaaaa how i'll look, but worse case i'll throw a scarf on. and based on my fam's track record and a little indian in the blood our hair seems to grow pretty quickly. lol. but maybe it wontt. my reason for doing this is mainly the cancer funds, but also because i am not my hair.
its really funny, the most opposition ive gotten on this endeavor is from black men. being from new orleans, down there especially, long hair, light skin = you can have whatever you liiiike. lol. but for real. culturally we are just brain washed. dont worry, i could go on and on about this, but i shant, not tonight at least.
if someone is only interested cause of my hair, or mostly bc of it, thaaanks, but no thanks. i guess this will be a good way to find out right?? lol.
another small part of why i punked out was bc i was worried about a dude's reaction. sheeeeeeeeeeesh right. but yeah...i was like "i can just do relay for life instead...let's not take a chance and desert this long hair..., hEEE wont like it."
lol. i tell ya. life is a funny funny journey. so much is easier said than done.
so keep an eye out...imma put in work tomorrow on the specifics, already been in touch with the foundation. if you wanna help out in any way, getting your head shaved with me, or donating, or helping organize, or performing at the event, pipe up. should be going down about a month from now, in new orleans through my church. lets goooo :)
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. sooo not tryna be like kanye's cute chick, or cassie, or lala etc. i hope i look as cute as they do with it...but its a tosssss upppp. lol.
flashing...lights...
lol. kinda random, but i'll expand eventually. im just sideline watchn ppl out there, mostly (but not just) from my alma mater, that are hung up on celebrity. liiike, wanna be famous.
im not preaching, or teaching or JUDGING. just observing, and these are my thots.
if you're chasing a lifestyle, who defines that lifestyle?
have fun. i just think your real life, might pass you by...while you're styling...
ONE definition of style: a mode of living, as with respect to expense or display.
so when does the show end?
be real. fight the fake. bc anybody can be famous, just make sure its worthwhile, and worth remembering...are you part of the solution, or part of the problem? what will you be famous for...i'm just asking. i'd like to hear the answer, seriously. email or message me, tell us in the comments. :) cause im not a hater, i want us ALL to prosper. im just not blind either, and IN MY OPINION, a lotta yal are see thru, as in we see thru your facade.
transparency is good. falsifying you is not.
aGain, and i do this for the remedial ones, im not judging, get the money if you can, but doNt fake it. thats all.
only you can be you.
sincerely,
carlin
im not preaching, or teaching or JUDGING. just observing, and these are my thots.
if you're chasing a lifestyle, who defines that lifestyle?
have fun. i just think your real life, might pass you by...while you're styling...
ONE definition of style: a mode of living, as with respect to expense or display.
so when does the show end?
be real. fight the fake. bc anybody can be famous, just make sure its worthwhile, and worth remembering...are you part of the solution, or part of the problem? what will you be famous for...i'm just asking. i'd like to hear the answer, seriously. email or message me, tell us in the comments. :) cause im not a hater, i want us ALL to prosper. im just not blind either, and IN MY OPINION, a lotta yal are see thru, as in we see thru your facade.
transparency is good. falsifying you is not.
aGain, and i do this for the remedial ones, im not judging, get the money if you can, but doNt fake it. thats all.
only you can be you.
sincerely,
carlin
man...
not much to say. just that its a trip how emotions can rock you sometimes right? that particular person can say just the right thing to get under your skin and everything is out the window...
every blessing, every success, every miracle...it just gets overshadowed by the front and center bullshit that's sitting on your chest at this veryyy moment.
im sorry to curse and im really trying to stop especially bc my mom and my sister hate it. but sheeesh. sometimes its just like that.
i really have come to see that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes inthe morning ligght...
sometimes that weeping doesnt always mean tears, and most times, that night doesnt just mean a "night". but i know the morning will come...it always has.
i know im stubborn, i know i can be obstinate...but im working on it. lately some of the men in my life have just dropped the ball. but maybe it was me simply recognizing that they are merely human...and not the supermen i used to rely on. i dont think im needy, altho some may disagree...i simply seem to keep my expectations too high, re other people.
i really think that Obama is as strong and calm/collected as he is because he dealt with adversity early in life. like one of my best buds he grew up without his father. i think that dealing with that as a child makes you super strong, very quickly.
as always my thoughts are random, but ah well. this is my diary, it just so happens to be open to you.
early on my girl and obama learned that people will let you down. they each had tremendous families and support from friends, but at the end of the day, i think that they know that all they really have is themselves in this world. (fyi, i knw God is always with me, so when i say "i'm all i have" i mean re peOple...not Him)
i'm not a hermit. i'm not a recluse. i'm not cut off from the world. i have a stellar family and set of friends that i wouldnt trade.
sometimes tho, you just wanna be understood.
and when those closest to you dont understand, it simply sucks.
it simply feels like ugggh.
its an old saying, but dmx reiterated it. if you love something let it go, if it comes back, then it's really yours. < i used to think that only referred to romantic love with a guy, but now i see it applies to true friends and family. you can only explain and ask for but so much. eventually you gotta just let go, and let God and that person work it out.
and hopefully, they come back to you.
cause this is all really hard without you.
we were so close...and im NOTTT talking about juuust quay right now. shit. i have more to my life than him (you simply see his name on here & not others bc they cant handle it right now). i'm talking about someone i never thot would or could walk away. more importantly figuratively than literally. and maybe you didnt mean to, buut it feels like you're gone.
but.....weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes...in the morning light.
love will endure. its just kinda tough right now. but we'll make it.
sincerely,
carlin...aka bean...aka beans... :\
p.s. this post may not have made any sense to you...but it's what i needed to say.
every blessing, every success, every miracle...it just gets overshadowed by the front and center bullshit that's sitting on your chest at this veryyy moment.
im sorry to curse and im really trying to stop especially bc my mom and my sister hate it. but sheeesh. sometimes its just like that.
i really have come to see that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes inthe morning ligght...
sometimes that weeping doesnt always mean tears, and most times, that night doesnt just mean a "night". but i know the morning will come...it always has.
i know im stubborn, i know i can be obstinate...but im working on it. lately some of the men in my life have just dropped the ball. but maybe it was me simply recognizing that they are merely human...and not the supermen i used to rely on. i dont think im needy, altho some may disagree...i simply seem to keep my expectations too high, re other people.
i really think that Obama is as strong and calm/collected as he is because he dealt with adversity early in life. like one of my best buds he grew up without his father. i think that dealing with that as a child makes you super strong, very quickly.
as always my thoughts are random, but ah well. this is my diary, it just so happens to be open to you.
early on my girl and obama learned that people will let you down. they each had tremendous families and support from friends, but at the end of the day, i think that they know that all they really have is themselves in this world. (fyi, i knw God is always with me, so when i say "i'm all i have" i mean re peOple...not Him)
i'm not a hermit. i'm not a recluse. i'm not cut off from the world. i have a stellar family and set of friends that i wouldnt trade.
sometimes tho, you just wanna be understood.
and when those closest to you dont understand, it simply sucks.
it simply feels like ugggh.
its an old saying, but dmx reiterated it. if you love something let it go, if it comes back, then it's really yours. < i used to think that only referred to romantic love with a guy, but now i see it applies to true friends and family. you can only explain and ask for but so much. eventually you gotta just let go, and let God and that person work it out.
and hopefully, they come back to you.
cause this is all really hard without you.
we were so close...and im NOTTT talking about juuust quay right now. shit. i have more to my life than him (you simply see his name on here & not others bc they cant handle it right now). i'm talking about someone i never thot would or could walk away. more importantly figuratively than literally. and maybe you didnt mean to, buut it feels like you're gone.
but.....weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes...in the morning light.
love will endure. its just kinda tough right now. but we'll make it.
sincerely,
carlin...aka bean...aka beans... :\
p.s. this post may not have made any sense to you...but it's what i needed to say.
6.13.2009
bout to hit the road but...
just wanted to say this.
ive said it before.
before YOU start giving me advice annnd/or Orders...pls just look at yourself first.
i've also said that i welcome advice and constructive critiscm (sp).
but it really gets under my skin when ppl telllllll me what i havvvve to do.
it's an old saying, but the only thing i havvve to do is stay black and die. (and jacko may have eclipsed one of those), so really all i gotta do is LIVE...until i die.
so until one of YOU can show me your certified EXPERT AT LIFE BADGE...pls take a chill pill.
if you hear me say or see me bout to jump off a bridge or try cocaine then YES, BY ALL MEANS, pls step in and make me stop.
but when it comes to who i talk to, how much, how often etc etc etc, i got it. you can give me your two cents, but it's just that...two cents.
i'm really not tryna be disrespectful at all. but this goes out to young and old. many many manyyyy of you out there do NOT know the full story of many of the things yal speak on, and yes, particularly the ish with quay. but when YOU littterally almost took your child's fathers LIFE...well in my opinion, i'll handle myyy situation, cause i think we're talking apples and oranges.:::when YOU have a baby's father that lives with you, cheats on YOU, disrespects YOU, and doesnt help with your child, again, I'll take MYYY situation over yours, and over YOUR advice.::::when you are approaching the half a century mark (that means almost 50 years old) and you stilll wont let go of a love lost over 30 years back....well, i'll handle myyyy situation.:::::when you can't keep friends, i mean gotta make new friends every YEAR, again, i'll handle MYYYY situation.
too many damn chiefs, not enough indians.
i'm good.
i'm the chief of my life. i love all yal, yes you toooo hater, but i wont let my love for yal trump my love for myself.
i dont think i know everything, but like YOU, imma have to make some mistakes on my own. and as i already have, i'll take the responsibility of the outcome, i promise.
whew. once again just had to vent. and i dont think i even used any curse words...i'll go back and check, lol. but when i was thinking of this post on the drive over, pls believe it involved multiple MF's and at least sugarhoneyicedtea. but woo sahhhs are helping, a bit. and my anger subsided, a bit. but this blog is doing just what i intended, helping me channel my energy into something more positive than GOINNGGGG OFFFFFFFFFFF on some of YAL. lol. for real tho. and i know some of you still haaaate the fact that i have this blog and am so public with my life, but pls believe me when i sincerely say, i needed this, and i thank the Lord for this outlet. musicians write music, authors write novels, pastors preach, teachers teach...lol. i blog... for now at least.
love yal. say a prayer for traveling grace pls, hitting the road back to VA, then HOME SWEEEEEEEEEEET HOME New Orleans in a week!!!!!!!!!
there will definitely be some posts about the N.O....for sure.
again, love yal, even YOU.
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. real recognizes real too...remember that before you get all high faluting on someone else...
p.p.s. where it says YOU, pls believe i could have inserted YALL"S names, but again, i am learning discretion...lol..(YOU're welcome!)
6.12.2009
maybe its the weather..nahh, just miii
hola.
so. one of my main reasons for starting this blog was because i have a lot to say, and some of the personal ish is particularly interesting. at least in my opinion...and the opinion of some of those that were facebook following my updates, lol.
quite frankly, i have become a different person. i have always been very bold and headstrong, but it reached a new level this year. and i attribute that to my experiences. let's get into some of those experiences.
this is an ongoing joint, so imma just start where i feel.
my ex, quay, was my first boyfriend really in my life. i had a young lil relationship in 10th grade, but nothing really happened, ie no sex etc. it was fun tho :)
when i got to college in 02, i FULLLYYY expected to start "enjoying life..ie guys" lol. i had a couple crushes, but they didnt pan out...so fast forward to senior year, and i was a little worried that i might end up alone forever...lol. but seriously.
then, around september of that year, quay stepped up. we'd known each other for years, but it became more, oddly enough (thanks Jarell :D).
and i took it from zero to 20 in a matter of seconds. finally had sex for the 1st time, at TWENTY ONNNE. yes, 21, you read that right. and well for lack of a better analogy, like TPAIN sang about...i was sprung... :)
there;s a whole lot to this story, as the saga that WAS (emphasis on WAS, cause it's a new day...) carlin and quay, lasted technically from Dec.2, 2005 to June 2, 2009....that's 3 and a half years folks.
only up until feb 2008 was it official, but after that we did the whole "breaK" song and dance, on and off, not together but monogamous etc etc....LOL!! ahh hindsight.
ao, 3.5 years, thats a long time in my opinion, especially for your first relationship., so this post will not encompass everything, only what i feel like chatting about right now.
and that's the lesson that you reaaaallly dont understand something until YOU go through it.
:) so. before some drama with quay, i was one of those ppl that nevvvver thot i could get cheated on. not cause i think im a supermodel or totalllyyyy irreplaceable ;), but more because i was just sure that the bond i would have with my boyfriend would be impenetrable...
well, and maybe some of you men out there will comment...it seems to happen rather indiscriminately. how many of us have said what was Eric Benet thinking when he cheated on Halle. I'm not callin myself Halle AT ALL, my point is, if it can happen to herrrrr, then it's just naive to say it will NEVER happen to me.
well, it happened. like i said, sooooo much more to the story, thats why this blog is ongoing. but after a chat with one of my cousins, i just felt like putting this ot there. before, i didnt think it was possible for one to love a person, but still cheat on them. now, and call it wishful if you like, i do think that can be the case. however, when you start a sexual situation with most women...feelings usually follow if you give it enough time. *that also is for another post, but it allllll ties in :).
with this blog, my overriding goal is to show that we ALLLL go through shit. sometimes, itt can get pretty ugly. but there is always beauty present, in that forgiveness, of ourselves, of others, and from God, always is possible.
quay and i are friends. that simple fact makes some that are close to me SICK. but, it';s my life. we;re not together, we;re not a couple, but we are friends. and a year ago if you'd have told me he'd tell me about TENNN chicks he'd cheated with...and seven others during our various "breaks"....well, a year ago i woulda said well i guess i'll be in jail and he'll be dead because AINT NO MOTHERFUCKING WAY. .........................
well. GOd changes things, lol. right before quay stood up like a man and came clean about all the shady shit he had done, God changed my life. God showed me forgiveness in a way i'd never seen before, so when i heard this worst shit i'd ever heard in my life, i was able to survive it, and NOT lose my mind (despite what some of yall may say :D).
the thing is, i finally got brought down to reality. i finally woke up and saw that no one is perfect except for G O D, and if you keep your faith in PEOPLE, you'll always end up fucked up. (pardon my cursing but its like that sometimes...im working to stop).
i had put quay ahead of EVERYTHINNGGG. yup, even God. so, in my opinion God said ok, lemme show you just how imperfect he is. and well, He did. that's where my poem, he and He and me came from...you can read it below, it's one of my first posts. i gave quay everything. and the only one that deserves everything from us, is God.
so, sometimes, God comes around, and He knocks you down,,,but just get back up, when God knocks you downnn.
lol. but for real, that Keri Hilson song is about God to me. God is the only one that could convince me quay wasnt perfect and never would be...but also that that was ok, because that is life!!!
once again, i knw you're tired of hearing it, but there's more to this story. when i feel like it, i'll get back on it, could be tonight, could be an hour from now...or it could NOT. lol. ya dig? in due time.
so basically these are just my thoughts. they are more up here for me than you, because for the first time ever i am ventinggggg, but i am putting my experiences out here because i think others can benefit, either by avoiding mistakes i made, or FORGIVING themselves for similar fuckups/mistakes/whatever you wanna call them.
part of my epiphany in march was learning that sharing your mistakes can 1. help others feel less pressure to conform, but most importantly, 2. to forgive themselves or others for some of their own issues.
too much potential is lost because we hold onto pure bullshit.
let it go.
it happens to the best of us, and we all make mistakes.
but keep living..ya got to.
more to commme :) these were just my thots, just my feelings at the time.
bout to sunbathe and cloud gaze, maybe hop in the pool if i get hot enough.
thanks for reading my diary. comments welcome :)
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. may add a special bonus (not words tho) to this post...stay tuned :)
so. one of my main reasons for starting this blog was because i have a lot to say, and some of the personal ish is particularly interesting. at least in my opinion...and the opinion of some of those that were facebook following my updates, lol.
quite frankly, i have become a different person. i have always been very bold and headstrong, but it reached a new level this year. and i attribute that to my experiences. let's get into some of those experiences.
this is an ongoing joint, so imma just start where i feel.
my ex, quay, was my first boyfriend really in my life. i had a young lil relationship in 10th grade, but nothing really happened, ie no sex etc. it was fun tho :)
when i got to college in 02, i FULLLYYY expected to start "enjoying life..ie guys" lol. i had a couple crushes, but they didnt pan out...so fast forward to senior year, and i was a little worried that i might end up alone forever...lol. but seriously.
then, around september of that year, quay stepped up. we'd known each other for years, but it became more, oddly enough (thanks Jarell :D).
and i took it from zero to 20 in a matter of seconds. finally had sex for the 1st time, at TWENTY ONNNE. yes, 21, you read that right. and well for lack of a better analogy, like TPAIN sang about...i was sprung... :)
there;s a whole lot to this story, as the saga that WAS (emphasis on WAS, cause it's a new day...) carlin and quay, lasted technically from Dec.2, 2005 to June 2, 2009....that's 3 and a half years folks.
only up until feb 2008 was it official, but after that we did the whole "breaK" song and dance, on and off, not together but monogamous etc etc....LOL!! ahh hindsight.
ao, 3.5 years, thats a long time in my opinion, especially for your first relationship., so this post will not encompass everything, only what i feel like chatting about right now.
and that's the lesson that you reaaaallly dont understand something until YOU go through it.
:) so. before some drama with quay, i was one of those ppl that nevvvver thot i could get cheated on. not cause i think im a supermodel or totalllyyyy irreplaceable ;), but more because i was just sure that the bond i would have with my boyfriend would be impenetrable...
well, and maybe some of you men out there will comment...it seems to happen rather indiscriminately. how many of us have said what was Eric Benet thinking when he cheated on Halle. I'm not callin myself Halle AT ALL, my point is, if it can happen to herrrrr, then it's just naive to say it will NEVER happen to me.
well, it happened. like i said, sooooo much more to the story, thats why this blog is ongoing. but after a chat with one of my cousins, i just felt like putting this ot there. before, i didnt think it was possible for one to love a person, but still cheat on them. now, and call it wishful if you like, i do think that can be the case. however, when you start a sexual situation with most women...feelings usually follow if you give it enough time. *that also is for another post, but it allllll ties in :).
with this blog, my overriding goal is to show that we ALLLL go through shit. sometimes, itt can get pretty ugly. but there is always beauty present, in that forgiveness, of ourselves, of others, and from God, always is possible.
quay and i are friends. that simple fact makes some that are close to me SICK. but, it';s my life. we;re not together, we;re not a couple, but we are friends. and a year ago if you'd have told me he'd tell me about TENNN chicks he'd cheated with...and seven others during our various "breaks"....well, a year ago i woulda said well i guess i'll be in jail and he'll be dead because AINT NO MOTHERFUCKING WAY. .........................
well. GOd changes things, lol. right before quay stood up like a man and came clean about all the shady shit he had done, God changed my life. God showed me forgiveness in a way i'd never seen before, so when i heard this worst shit i'd ever heard in my life, i was able to survive it, and NOT lose my mind (despite what some of yall may say :D).
the thing is, i finally got brought down to reality. i finally woke up and saw that no one is perfect except for G O D, and if you keep your faith in PEOPLE, you'll always end up fucked up. (pardon my cursing but its like that sometimes...im working to stop).
i had put quay ahead of EVERYTHINNGGG. yup, even God. so, in my opinion God said ok, lemme show you just how imperfect he is. and well, He did. that's where my poem, he and He and me came from...you can read it below, it's one of my first posts. i gave quay everything. and the only one that deserves everything from us, is God.
so, sometimes, God comes around, and He knocks you down,,,but just get back up, when God knocks you downnn.
lol. but for real, that Keri Hilson song is about God to me. God is the only one that could convince me quay wasnt perfect and never would be...but also that that was ok, because that is life!!!
once again, i knw you're tired of hearing it, but there's more to this story. when i feel like it, i'll get back on it, could be tonight, could be an hour from now...or it could NOT. lol. ya dig? in due time.
so basically these are just my thoughts. they are more up here for me than you, because for the first time ever i am ventinggggg, but i am putting my experiences out here because i think others can benefit, either by avoiding mistakes i made, or FORGIVING themselves for similar fuckups/mistakes/whatever you wanna call them.
part of my epiphany in march was learning that sharing your mistakes can 1. help others feel less pressure to conform, but most importantly, 2. to forgive themselves or others for some of their own issues.
too much potential is lost because we hold onto pure bullshit.
let it go.
it happens to the best of us, and we all make mistakes.
but keep living..ya got to.
more to commme :) these were just my thots, just my feelings at the time.
bout to sunbathe and cloud gaze, maybe hop in the pool if i get hot enough.
thanks for reading my diary. comments welcome :)
sincerely,
carlin
p.s. may add a special bonus (not words tho) to this post...stay tuned :)
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