the atomic bomb and weezyWe...chea

"where i'm from you see a fucking dead body errryday" - weezyWe

yeah. real but sad. i've been a lot of places, Spain, Los Angeles, Jamaica, new york, VvvvvAaaaa, Denver, the list goes on...but the only place i;ve ever seen dead bodies...yup, the N.O. my hometown, New Orleans, Louisiana. here's the thing. everytime i saw a dead body that was the result of violence, esp over drugs or gangs, it made me MAD.

so a couple days ago when i laid down for a nap, i couldnt sleep, cause that pic of asian kids running after WE (the united states) dropped an atomic bomb on their land...it was in my head. and i decided that when i get the chance (and money, :D), imma have that joint blown up and put on my wall.



why?

because when you actually SEEEEE the devastation...it means more.

everyday we become desensitized by the news because they report killings in te same breath that they report on the circus. for many americans, theyve never seen a dead body in person. it;s psychological,. when you see it, it does somethng to your state of mind. that's why Bush and particularly Cheney did not allow US to see pictures of the MANY caskets returning from the Iraq/Afghanistan/DEBACLE wars...because Americans would have felt some kind of way....and maybe it wouldnt have been just one lonely mother of a fallen soldier protesting at Bush's ranch.

when i was laying there trying to turn my brain off so i could sleep, i realized that if more of us saw the actual processes and results of things that we allow, ie the death penalty, wars, and the things that we keep quiet about, ie drug and gang violence, things would be different.

so often we dont reeeally care or understand until we go through it. that's why one of my favorite quotes is "don't condemn what you don;t understand". i try to remember this often, cause sometimes i am quick to condemn others. but when i take the time to look at their situation, it usually makes more sense. even the kids in my home city of new orleans, and yes i do mean kids, that are killing each other, have a relatively "good" reason for it. many of them do it because it's retaliation or they are asserting themselves against those that have hurt the ones they love the most. i know kids whose parents are nowhere to be found...and the only family they have is the gang or kids on the block that they get down with. so when someone hurts one of their people...of course it's on. they dont see any other option.

my point in this post is that if those of us who already KNOW there;s other options than murder and gangs and atomic bombs etc etc would take some responsibility for our communities, regions, countries, and WORLD, then we can fix some of this!

im not as naive as i used to be, i know this world will never be perfect. but i surely think it can be better.

so look at these pictures. one embodies terror and massacre at the hands of a "government". the other, pain, suffering and death at the hands of a tortured soul.

join big brothers/big sisters. take some time to help someone worse off than you, and trust me, theres always someone worse off than you. the easiest part is it doesnt have to be a huge sacrifice. simply treating ppl like human beings rather than animals, or criminals, or deviants, is a start. take the time to speak to your fellow men and women and kids. simply saying hi goes a long way. in a small way it shows that you know we're in this together...so why not just say good morning.

i have a lot more to say about how the way you treat people effects (or affects, lol) the way people respond and sometimes act out, but that's another post...Hampton Police Department...wink wink...(it's coming....!).

look at the pictures. get a little mad, kinda sad, and then channel that energy. do what you can to cut down on bullshit like this. life is hard enough with cancer, famines, droughts etc etc etc!! let's stop adding to it with our own efffed up complications.

"i'm talking to the man in the mirror, he heeee,
i'm asking him to change his ways....
if you wanna make the world, a better place, take a look at yourself and then
make
a
chaaaaaaange...."

michael's a little confused about some stuff but he got that right. change starts with the one looking back at us in the mirror.

stop digesting bullshit or they'll keep feeding it to you, cause it's cheap and easy to find...(in my opinion).



sincerely,
carlin

deeper than planned, but p.s. king of queens (KOQ)=my homies

(lol, this was soo gonna be a light post, then it got deep...) ok so you know when you're sooo into a tv show that you feel like you know the characters. well, as i do with many things, i took it to another level...and totally feel like doug, carrie, arthur and the whole crew work hard just to make me laugh instead of CRYING over the bullshit in life!!

i've liked it since like 3 yrs ago, but for a minute it was a puuuure necessity. when i lived in md and worked at discovery, i used to walk the two blocks to my apt sooo excited to see that show at 4 and 4.30. ok, pitiful some may say, but say what youuu will! it's the little things in life, and KOQ is one of my little things. and when things got really ugly, it was the little things that worked!

now, the true bliss came when i found episodes of King of Queens on youtube. "ahhhhhhhhhhh" (<< that's supposed to be the heavenly sound choirs make in movies...i tried). some user called polyunsaturate has lots of eps up, and i just was addicted. carlin's weekend after my breakup and thru fam ISH = in the bed w cookies, ice cream and KOQ on lapppo topppo. yessssr!!! (a lil FB stalking in btwn) lol

*** here's the kicker. when i was really down, this show was one of the few things that snapped me outta my problemos. ***

around the time i had my apt in MD, i was really going through it with my ex and family stuff too. and internalize...i did it like noooo other.

to make matters worse, i rarely let my issues and sadness out. i talked to a couple of my girls about it, but it was always just to tell them myyyy resolutions and how much stronger i was gonna be with the young man...but never just to break down and be weak. one chick in particular, who is nooo longer "on my team" lol, and wont be named cause im learning discretion... :) i'd open up to her the most cause she was "dealing" with a football player and had gone through similar, although in MY OPINION ""tougher (shall we say)"" situations. the only thing was, when i talked to her, she would just give me mean pep talks/tough love...but that's not what i needed ALLLLLL the tiiiime. it's my fault for always turning to her, and i'll take that responsibility, but basically it didnt help very much. it added to my NEGATIVE tendency to "suck it up" instead of dealing with my issues.

well, when you don't let it out, you ACT it out. so some of the "craziness" you may have seen or think you've seen from me in the last few months, i think its safe to say some of it can be attributed to me BOTTLING everything up for 24 years, and finally it all broke loose.

you cant keep it all under wraps. sometimes when it hurts, you cant just walk it off. you gotta address that shit.

im not being a smartass but didnt bob marley die from a foot injury that came from playing soccer. i;ll dare to venture he didnt think that ish would take his life...and well...

that stress and pain and GUILT we tend to keep inside, it'll eat you alive. my experiences have helped me better understand when ppl say its their inner demons that have them locked up.

i had to free myself. i had to free myself from lies, bc they had power over me. i had to tell my ex i had been with someone else, and he wasnt "the only one" like he and everyone else had thought since i was 21. yeah, it suckd, but i had to be honest. about that and the orlando trip, and homecoming...lol. it is what it is. but it DOESNT control me anymore.

well, thot this post was just about King of queens, but that's the mind of Carlin Lewis for you...always processing more than one thought at a time.

maybe that;s why some of you cant keep up.

not trying to be a smartass or jerk...but i slow myself down so others can understand...cause if i talked the way i think, REALLLLYYY FAST, well, yeah, i can only imagine what yal would say then.

lol.

yal make me smile, almost as much as K.O.Q.

ttys, live and in living color in JERSSSSSSEY.

dont worry, i'll chat more about some of those down days when tears were prominent...often.

smiles more often now, but that's because im stronger, cause trials are still running rampant. its cool tho. for this tooooo shalll passs :) thank God

gentlemen...

...and ladies if you're curious. and i mean curious as in a "what is she saying to the gentlemen" kinda way. lol..

okkkk. now this should be fun. (wow, that post below really was helpful in at least getting me to release a little bit, and now i can tap into more productive thots.)

ok so like to hear it, here it goes:

I AM AN ODDBALL. I AM WEIRD. I AM sooooo NOT LIKE EVRYONE ELSE.

that's just how it is. if you have evvver really gotten to know me:::well then you know this.

but i want to break it down a little bit, examine the situation, delve a litttullll deeper....lol!

this post is mainly to the gents, but its for whoever feels like taking a gander.

i...am weird. i know i already mentioned this, but when it comes to guys ie dating them, relationships with them, messing around with them, i am just weird.

now this is all just my opinion, but for some reason, i don;t need a guy like a lot of girls do.

case in point:
until the age of 21, i never knew what sex was like. lol. right, that means i didnt have sex until 21. now pls understand, im not bragging, it just was never "right". ya know what, i think this is a big part of it, the foundation...as a kid, my mom would hem me UPPPP if i was playing with my dolls or barbie etc and said "ooooh and here's her boyfriend..." etc. my mom and dad would be like "just play with the dolls!! she doesnt have to have a boyfriend, why can;t barbie just be fine doing what barbie wants to do...blah blah blah". lol. something like that, but the gist was, "you dont neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed a boyfriend/ stop rushing it." or at least that's what i got from it, lol. (mom and dad feel free to comment.)

so, being the extra, extremist that i am, i think i internalized that significantly. and that went on to make me into a girl that was quite alright and rather preferred being alone. i had a boyfriend my sophomore year of high school...we didnt get very far. he was definitely my first "puppy" love, and he taught me a lot, lol...like how learning geometry could be fun in more ways than one, ie the study rooms in the University of New Orleans library...lol. but even then, that amounted to lots of silly young kid kissing and feeling...but not much more. we had one and a half conversations about sex, and i may have hurt his feelings when i without hesitation half laughed and was like uhhh, no, i dont wanna have sex yet. period. end of story. thanks for the offer tho. not cause i didnt "love" him, but because even at like what, 16, i just kinda knew he wouldnt be my husband...(now that is still my homie and who knows, maybe the sparks will come back :D ) after him tho, my nextt boyfriend was not until the age of TWENTY ONE. lol. ok im not good at math so give me a minute...that was about 5 or so years chillin DOLO.

now before some of you start commenting all anonymous, lol, yes, i still had encounters with dudes. but they were so limited it's actually funny. you gentlemen reading this that can recall a kiss or something a little more, you are a part of a small group :) again, i am not bragging, im just explaining. my point is, i am very much programmed to be cool without a guy. in some ways, i flourish being truly single. so i am not playing you to the left or being a jerk or bitch when i say im really not tryna date right now. i REAAALLLY am not trying to date right now. it requires toooo much energy. i'm tryin to sort my life out, and truuuust me, tho you may wanna help with the filing, this is a deep journey. and i'm not really in the mood to do on the job training ya know...therefore i'd rather do it alone. at least for now.

so, im pretty much saying this bc some of yall are just not believing me. it almost seems like you think oh you must be talking to someone else and that's why you're not talking to me. NO. my life is complex, complicated, convuluted, lots of C words!! and i just know that until i;ve got CARLIN in a more solid place, i definitely can't be the girl or really close "friend" that's a girl, for you. we'd both be losing. and of course there's more to it as well, ie that good 3.5 relationship that juuuust got wrapped up. that's a whole nother TEN posts, but they're coming.

my point guys...pls just let me breathe a little ok? im not saying any of yall are being a-holes, cause i would TELL you...but i'm saying respect my wishes, esp when i tell you i need yal to back up a little. we can be friends, lets be cool, we can even hang out (at myyyy discretion)...but pls STOP telling me what i need and that what i need is YOU. that's why i changed my number, that;s why im not giving out my number...lol. because when i;ve been straight up with some of yal, you;ve acted like I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED.

well young sirs...i do. and right now, that's just not you. it may change. it very well might. but until then, just give it some time. youuu very well may be my future husband...but i am NOT READY to see or even consider that. i wanna get myself straight...so let me. trust me, you annnd i will be the better for it.

***this post is not to pump myself up and be like "oooh guys want me". it's to be real. ive said these things to multiple dudes individually but i dont seem to be getting through. so maybe up on the orange background it;ll come out more clearly.****


let;s just be FRIENDS ok. FRIENDS text, FRIENDS talk, but FRIENDS dont try to pressure each other to be MORE than FRIENDS:) (or drive drunk)


and if it pops off, it pops off. but right now, it aint poppin. comprende?? and like i said, until the age of 21, i was pretty content without a dude...dabbled here and there, but nothing serious. i'm gonna take it there again for a little while. just me myself and i.

im not mad. im not anti-men. im really not bitter. im just chillin. i'll be dating again one day...but its just not today.
trust me.


thanks for listening.


sincerely,
carlin

why do we do it to ourselves...whyyyy??!

i don't even know where this particular post is going...but i know i need to say SOMETHING.

that's the point of my blog. it would be great if i could make some money off this joint, but i got it up and running because i need to vent.

all my life i have been something of a sounding board for others, and ive buried my own issues, hurts, pains, frustrations etc deep inside. finally i am realizing and accepting that what you don't LET out, you'll ACT out.

and im done acting out. i want my actions to be deliberate, and not in response to inner captivity.

ok, so, this morning, i woke up with my mind on my PROBLEMS. and that is notttt cool. On March 17, 2009 i had an epiphany. God woke me up. and since then, i've been waking up and my first thought is of Him. not a dude, not my parents, not even my cute lil doggie, but of God. and it has been so comforting.

but yet, today, i woke up with knots in my stomach worrying about life. now, i know life will always include problems...but money seems to be one of the main jerkoff culprits. i tell ya. i totally believe it is better to give than to receive...so oprah or bill gates should GIVE me a mil so i can get some of these amazing ideas of mine popping....annd pay my car note at the same time.

LOL, ok ppl, focus. no, i dont want a hand out. i just want MORE OPTIONS.
stay with me.

what's the mantra when you're growing up regarding a career??? DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. well back then, i really wanted to be a teacher, like my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Murray....she was the BEST!! obsessed with those odd troll toys, but THE BEST!! but then you know what happened? i grew up and found out teachers dont make very much dinero...and that is sad. now, my dad told me about a program in new york looking to pay teachers six figures, and im hoping this model catches on...but for the sake of argument, lets just keep in mind the past and still current pymt for most teachers. and i'll beat the dead horse, but clearly teachers are the most important thing to our kids after the actual parents...in my opinion.

but no. instead, many of us put off our dreams and desired goals because we gotta be realistic. like this summer. i could have broken my neck and gotten one of those high paying internships at a law firm...but i also would hve wanted to throttle myself mutltiple times during the day. instead, i will spend my summer rebuilding MY CITY with habitat for humanity, working with my church, and possibly volunteering with the public defender;s office....but how much money you think imma make from those three endeavors??? exaaaactly, not a dag on cent!!! and until my honda pymt is free ninety nine...well i just dont know.

i'll get ready to wrap this up bc maybe my time would be better spent looking for some grants or something, but i could go on and on about this money issue. but you know what, yeah, here we go...im gonna look at this a different way.

when i woke up i was laying in my bed with the worry that i mentioned earlier...and FINALLY it dawned on me, "are you serious"??! God blesses me nonstop everyday, and not to mention He throws in miracles on top of that. but yet i INSIST on sitting here feeling somewhat sorry for myself because of money problems. i'll be quick to tell someone else how God is all iiiii need, but then will worry myself sick about some worldly possessions that i miiight miss a payment on (lol, i tell ya...). so i need to cut it out right NOW. it's easier said than done...but seriously. yesterday God moved my parents to join the church that i joined about a month ago (under watchcare...CUBC in the N.O. is home). you'll learn more about our family soon, but suffice it to say i had been praying for that breakthrough, because as the pastor said yesterday, before God does anything for us physically, he has to heal us spiritually. so i was witness to the first steps of this process, less than 12 HOURS ago, and yet i have the audacity to sit here and fret! ugh, so not only am i worrying, but now i;m also ANNOYED with myself for this worry.


so maybe i just need to get up and keep on moving. yeeah. i just sat here wondering what am i suppose to do??? how do i shake this feeling??? and so far, my best guess is i need to get up...and get to work. not the typa work imma get a weekly check for, but the typa work i know i am suppose to be doing. so imma get to it.
i think i'll have more to write later on today, including an update on how the day went, and also some of my other more lofty thots, lol, like that hiroshima/lil wayne post, etc etc etc.

thanks to those of you who read/listened. obv i have a lot on my mind, always....but its time for me to start sharing. hope you have a great day!!! cause it's already blessed, remember that (i need to as well).


sincerely,
carlin

just my thots

bout to write a longer post, but just wanted to say, uhhhh, yall have all these opinions of your own, how bout you share them with more than just me. ok, it's totally fine if you dont want to put them out for everyone to see, but i think creating discussions/conversation is a good thing.

so, if you feel so moved, then dont just email/fb/twitter me your thoughts on the blog, share them, by clicking "comments from yal" and let's go from there :)

just my thots ;)

p.s. the next blog post, how bout hiroshima + weezyWe = let's be real!


sincerely,
carlin

how much is that doggggie in the window??

ugggh. ok. we're not gonna get into numbers, but i thot of that little song when thinking of my puppy just now.

she'll get a longer post eventually, but i thot a nice little "short" one was in order.

i love my little doggy. had her only since may 16, 2009 (and trust me that was a daaay to remember, lol).

she is almost 4 mos, and she is tiny!!

FYI i am/never was a small dog person. grew up with dobermann's, RIP STEELY, Blue Girl, etc.

top 3 dog breeds: dobes, rotts, boxers. (chea)

why do i now own a teacup (oxymoron) chihuaha??

bc she's got spunk, just like me. if you've ever met her, then you know. if not, well, just take my word for it.

she won my heart in the pet store, right after i'd just said "ewww, chihauhas...where are your big dogs?" she was in there scrapping with the boys, and when they told me it was a little girl...well, that was all SHE wrote.

so, introducing little ms. big shot:
Black and Beautiful aka BB aka Blak and Blue aka Midnight Fierce aka Renegaaaade aka etc etc etc (jip did i forget any main ones?)

lol. she is my sweetheart. im not totally odd, but having her as my responsibility has changed my outlook significantly, and helped me understand my parents a tad bit more. NOW I KNW HAVING A REAL LIVE HUMAN KID will really help w the parent thing, but in a way, i'm all she;s got.

love ya BB. she's a handful, in more ways than one :) and also a Godsend, in my opinion


sincerely,
carlin

nigga we too close can't stop praying nowww...

morning.

the title of this post is based on Jim Jones song Rain, youtube it pls. here's the chorus (again, pls excuse the "n" word etc etc):

Nigga we too close, can't stop praying noww,
tho it seems there's no end to this paaaain,
Everytime i close my eyes i pray for rain,
i pray for rain, to wash away this pain....


ok. so. before i heard this song, i was in no way a jim jones fan. did i do the little "BALLLLINNN" joint at parties...yes. would i have evvver bought his music or gone to see him perform, NOOOO.

but then, a really smart dude, Dr.Suddler to be exact, he educated me. He showed me that rap really is an art form. i had heard this my whole life, but really did not believe it. since my epiphany in march of this year, i have opened up to a lot more possibilities of this world.

i thot that Jim Jones was all about "balllinnn" and beef with JayZ. then i listened to this song. During my 12 hour plus drive back DOLO from Indiana, my world was opened up. lol, i just finished my law school exams/first year of last school (passed, PRAISE THE LORD, even after that brief dropping out, lol)...and Dr.Suddler really continued my education.

Doc made me this banging mixtape, and again, it was just eye opening. It's pretty much all i listened to that whole ride, bout 18 songs, only one of which i really dont like and skip. all the others, they are reallllyyyy saying something.
i'll probably post on some of the other songs eventually, but today, as i woke up to a downpour heree in VAAAAA (two up two down, chea chea. lol!!), i thot of this song.

pls go listen to it or buy it etc. if i had the dinero i'd buy it but not yet senor.

as i hope you see in the chorus, this song talks about the pain that many go through, but especially those in the hood. here's some homework if you've never spent much time in the hood...on a nice day, go walk just like 1.5 or 2 blocks n the hood...since it's summer time lots of ppl, adults and kids, will be outside on the porch etc...and i just want you to listen. walk fast if you're scared, but listen. you'll probably hear lots of laughter and joke cracking and song singing and see kids jumping rope or running up and down the streets together. now, if you were to examine these ppls income/bank statement/"savings" accts, many of them would probably be less than ideal, and some would be on public assistance etc. THAT IS MY OPINION, go head and comment if you are offended etc, but again, it's my opinion, on my blog soooo...yeah.

now, what i want you to take away from this informational walk through the hood is that many of these ppl keep their head up despite what society would deem a poverty stricken existence. why, bc many of them know better days will come, but also, that if they don't laugh, then they;ll be crying till Kingdom come.

this Jim Jones song further shows this point for me, bc he says ppl n the hood don't pray for sunny days because they KNOWW that after the rain, the sun will come out. (of course i'm paraphrasing). instead, many of them/us pray for rain to wash away the contsant barrage of pain that we deal with DAILY.
it's painful when your mom and/or/hopefullyyy dad cant provide for you. it's painful when you have holes in your clothes and cant afford new ones...it's painful when you see the rich congress men and women on tv talking about how much of a cancer YOUR community is to the country because you or your friends are on public assistance and get FREE lunch at school...it's painful when mothers "have" to say to their 14 year old sons "no you not going to high school, it's time for you to hit the corner/block"...all that ISH is painful as shit.

all that painful stuff i just mentioned, i havent gone through all of it, but i have at the very LEAST seen it all and more. IT"S REAL OUT HERE. that's why i said in an older post, kids in the hood not worried about the crazy stuff i decide to put on the internet...they worried about a life that seems over before it has even began.

living without hope. if you dont have hope, you have nothing.

therefore in the hood (and hoods have ppl of all races, creeds, color, ethnicity etc), ppl pray for rain to shake off the pains of everyday life, the pains that ppl outside of the hood can hardly imagine much less understand...

however, even ppl no longer in a hood, or that have never been in one, probably pray for rain, for the same reason. water from the sky is cleansing. it washes away lots of the trash in the streets, or the dog crap off the sidewalk in front of your houses, etc...ppl all over the world, pray for a cleansing of their souls...everyday.

so maybe we should stop teaching kids the little ditty "rain rain go away"...caus i dont want the rain to go away.

i deal with pain everyday. but somehow, someway, God always washes it away. maybe not as soon as IIII would like, but eventually, He removes it.

so when the rain changed everyone's plans or cancels a baseball game...i hope that im somewhere where i can smell it and listen and watch it. because it is beautiful...bc i know the sun will come out soon...once everything is nice and clean, and pristine...like it's suppose to be...and couldn't be, without the rain.

enjoy your rainy days. we wouldn;t appreciate the sunny ones without them.


theme for today: how much would your garden flourish without REGULAR downpours from the heavens....? (yeah i just made that up off top :) ...lol )


make the most of it man!


sincerely,
carlin