throwback...from the infamous book///facebook circa 5.13.09

yo.

our God,
is an awesome God,
He reigns,
from Heaven above with wisdom, power and love
Our God is an awesome God!!! ya dig?

without Him, there would be no me. He promised that He would never leave nor forsake me...and that's why I could care LESS what anyyyyyyy of you think. ok, some of you may recognize this post from facebook...anything in italics, like this sentence, is new, and i'm adding it as i edit, so this will not be the exact same. what i would like to mention is that i do CARE. i will take critiscm and use it to grow. but i will not change unless i want to. that is what i mean by "i do not care"...i mean that i am GOING TO BE ME.

now lemme be clear...INNER CIRCLE, and ya;ll know who you are bc that means you know waaay more about my life than the average bear who is getting 99 per of their info from my facebook page, and now blog :), and the other 1 per from the homie that THINKS he knows, but actually has no dag on idea :)
my inner circle will keep me in check. my inner circle knows the big Homie, G O D. my inner circle will YANK me up when i get outta line, even if im standing in front of President Barack H. Obama. THEY DO NOT CARE, THEY ARE UNASHAMED of me. yes, some of yall out there pointing at me saying im crazy for putting my business out here, but lemme tell you a corny saying...everytime you point at someone else, you are pointing THREE finges back at yourself...i may have messed that up a little bit, but try it out, point at the comp screen right now, then look, your pinky, ring and middle finger are pointed back at YOU. **Mr. Man you told me this saying ;)

Also, one of you told one of my inner circlerrrs, lol, that everyone is talking about me and that's not a good thing, people are saying she's lost her mind etc etc...well, lol, that savvvvy, law school educated soon to be J Williams esquire shot back at that inquisitor....My grandma always said if people talking about you it;s a GOOD thing. HOLLLLLAAAA. that's how the N O does it....ya dig!!! I LOVE it that ya;ll keeping my name in your mouth, that you loggin on and saying "what did carlin write tooooodaaaaay"??? lol. zuckerberg needs to holla cause i KNOW i have increased readership, hence this BLOGGGG :) . lol.

>>>*** i know i'm rambling. i know iiiii did NOT capitalize the first letter in these twooo sentences....i also know i just put FOUR PERIODS in that dot dot dot, and "technically" you;re only supposed to use THREE periods for it, i also know that in the word "you;re", 19 words back from here, i didn't use an apostrophe i used a semicolon (or colon, not sure), BUT I MEANT TO LEAVE IT THERE. i'm going to be a rapper, to some extent, one day. maybe only my homies will lissten, but pleas believe, i will be a rapper...lol. but I don't rap fast i rap slow, cause i mean every last word in every last sentence that i wrote....now i may not be quoting lil weeeeeziana perfectly, but the point of that quote, and this "paragraph" is that I KNOW WHAT IM DOING AND I AM DOING IT DELIBERATELY!!!
i appreciate the concern when yall be like carlin are you ok?? why is your business all out?? i appreciate it. but pls believe me, and then MOVE ON, when i tell you I GOT THIS cause GOD HAS GOT ME!!
i've had offers of editing for my blog...bc as one of you put it, you can help me be more professional...well dears, i dont know how my blog will look yet (remember still under construction), but i do know i am not worried about it being professional.
LIFE is not professional...life can be ugly, dirty, mean, a bitch, allllll at the same time..,but also beautiful, amazing, rewarding and surpising, allllll at the same time. and as a child of God, i mean every last bit of what i write and put on this joint, i mean the words that come out of my mouth and my fingertips. I MEAN IT. i may change my mind one day, i may form new opinions and i WILL continue to learn, but when i say it at that moment, i mean it. thank you.

i hope that clears it up for yall. now, you may question, where did this chick come from. i came from the bottom of the map, back in 84...but before then, i was chillin in the lap of God, with the other babies waiting to make their entrance...but a lot of yall are like yoooooo what happened to carlin, that's not the carlin i know. my inner circle knows that i was always a little weird, but now its reached a new plateau...cause my money aint all the way right yet but you STILL cant tell me nothing.....riiiiight??? lol. naw, im working on humility, everyyyday, and that's why im thankful for those like "name removed by blogger" who can yank me up and do so when need be. but i will push back. inner circlers told me take my facebook posts about Quay down, about a month ago. then they went and read them all the way through...and then they understood. so when i feel very convictecd that im right...i usually am. lol. but i am also wrong a decent amount of the time tooo....i accept and SEE that. and that's why i'm not doing this alone! thank the Lord.

hmmm, i'm bout to wrap up, and o'kneeka, today will be devoted to getting the blog rolling, thanks for your encouragement last night lol...finally right. i've never been a morning person, but i have so much to accomplish now that God has shown me my path that i dont sleep like i used to....and i heard Nas say sleep is the cousin of death...now i still love to sleep and will continue to get it in....but i dont be PLANNNNNIIIIINNNGG to write these notes starting at 5.40 am!!! it just happens. and i aint mad about it, ya dig :)

shout outs to J WILLLIAms for my stage name...Carlin Lewiisiana. lol.

imma wrap up with this. wanna know why im so BRUTALLY honest now? wanna know why my business is alllllll over the world wide web? wanna know why when you see me in the streets, even if "YOU DONT KNOW ME", you could still ask me anything?BECAUSE GOD HAS BEEN TOO GOOD TO ME. HE HAS SPOILED ME. HE HAS SAVED MY LIFE OVER, AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND HE CONTINUES TO EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. i am like this, because i am unashamed. i am unashamed to SHOUT that I love the Lord, and i am also IN LOVE WITH HIM!!! ....and most beautifully.....it's all because HE loved me first. there were no requirements to gain His love. when i was nothingggg but a lowly sinner, He still loved me. and i am still a lowly sinner, but now i know and will tell anyone that His Son died for me...and I hadn;t even been born yet. God's love taught me forgiveness. Not forgiveness that you learn on sesame street. forgiveness that hurts. forgiveness that pulls at your soul. forgiveness when someone has stepped allllll over you. God forgives me everyday, beacuse i sin everyday. I am being so honest with each of you, because God is so honest with me. When i woke up from a blackout...and wanted to KILL myself...God shook me and said CARLIN!!! I FORGAVE YOU, NOW FORGIVE YOURSELF AND KEEEEEP IT MOVING, CAUSE I HAVE A LOT IN STORE FOR YOU.

dont be alarmed, you'll get the full story of when i considered suicide for a split of a split second, itll prob be on the blog soon, lol. and dont worry, yes, i put LOL because i can look back and laugh at it. my cousin carmen was there and my girl Lo was there, i didnt pull out a knife or run to the balcony, but i said i didnt feel like i deserved to live because of what i had done. and then God dried my tears and picked my up, as only He could. that'ssss why i have this big tat on my right arm...cause God showed me how to "live, laugh, love..for this too shall pass." THANK YOU LORD. i am so honest and open now because i see the importance of forgiveness.too many of us hold CRAP inside. we hold fast to pain and wrongs that we've experienced in life. we keep hurting ourselves. it's true. our greatest enemy is ourselvees. there's another good saying, like that we are not afraid of ????? but that we're afraid of our potential....(i butchered it but you get the gist).i am telling all my stories because someone out there can relate. i am telling alll my USED TO BE SECRETS because someone else needs to forgive themselves and keep it moving. i am here to tell you, thissss wednesday morning (on facebook, lol, remember this is old), that GOD, your Father, has forgiven you...so now it's time for you to do the same, homieeee.i am here to let you know that HE has GREAt blessings in store for you...but that you need to get out of your own way in order to see HIS path.

God had to knock me down. He broke me. It wasnt just satan, although the devil helped out a lil bit. But it was alll God, cause He is always with me, and my life story is already written.

Sometimes God, comes around,and He knocks you down, just get back up when He knocks you down....you gotta take the good with the bad, the happy and sad, im gonna have a better future than i had in the past
ohhh cause i dont wanna make the same mistakes again...dont wanna fall BACK on my face agaaain....- most;y keri's verses, with Love changed to God by me.

God is real. That's why im tryna be real everyday of my life. i dont have time to play games. i was never that great at sports...that's why i watch instead, from the sidelines :)
life is too short. im not wasting my time b-s-ing anyone. i wont do it anymore. God had to knock me down to wake me up and show me how merciful He really is. He had to knock me down so i would love myself again, so i would see my worth, so i would see his miracles. He had to save my parent's marriage, elect obama, save my sister, save me...so i would wake up. very paraphrased, but Tupac said the hungry ppl will knock for a little while, but if you ignore them long enough, they busting down the door and stealing EVERYTHING. God tried to knock lightly and wake me up. it didnt work, so He knocked me down, hard. it wasnt just my situation with marquay mcdaniel. that was probably 45% of this ongoing experience.but i have also started to become the woman i want to be because of manyyyy other issues, thankfully more highs than low. you'll hear about them soon, but dont be mistaken and think you are so smart when you say "oooh quay must have really put it on Carlin cause she is insane now". no, niggga (or "buddy" if you do not like the "n" word...and i'll apologize now, but you will see it again in this blog...), you are incorrect. yes, we had a great sex life...but i didnt put him on blast cause i missed the sex. i put him on blast cause he told me he was a man and he treated me like he was a child. but know this as well. Marquay Lamont McDaniel is more of a man now, after all that we have both been through, together and separately...he is more of a man than 75% of you self righteous mo fo's sending me condolences like awwwww carlin, im sorry he hurt you, blah blah frikkkkin blah. God knocked him down to. i played a part but it was alllll God. and that's why bout a month after i put quay on blast right chea (chea refers to facebook), i am UNASHAMED to say that is my nigga once again...NOT BOYFRIEND or FIANCEE, but that is my best friend. some of my inner circle is gonna get mad at me and prob curse me out, but i am dead assd serious. now me and him may fall out today, and if that is the case i'll come comment and let yall know...but i wont take this note down. i wont change this paragrapg.....cause right now i mean that. i hit one of my lowest points 2 nights ago. Yasmine Zaki and Lauren outlaw helped me calm down...but marquay mcdaniel was the only one that truly understood me, and understood that im not crazy, i just have a lot going on now, and a lot to do. and im movign a lotttt faster than i used to.

call me Flo Jo, yo... lol. minus the acrylics. im light years ahead of many of you. im not bragging, im just making an honest statement. when you talk to me, you gon see i talk reaaaallly fast. im working to slow down everyday, but there;s a lot to get done. i'm tryna save lives. the lil kids in the hood not worried about facebook, they worried about if their mom or dad is ok even tho they passed out on the floor with a needle in their arm. THERE'S TOO MUCH TO DO TO HELP SAVE LIVES, AND OBAMA CANT DO IT ALONE. so im on a mission. if you ask me about it i'll tell you, but im not playing games with yall. i call quay when i need to, and he calls me when he chooses or needs to. we are both seeking God, first and foremost, and we are babies in the race, but we GON MAKE IT (damon ;) ). me and marquay are not back together. we are not dating. i am finally enjoyinggggg ;) being single. lol. (pause, aint no one night stands going down, im just finally letting dudes TRY). AGAIN*** this is for the remedial ones, ME and MARQUAY, are not back together. we are becoming true friends for the first time. and we are not perfect and we will hit road blocks, but life iss tooooo short and i will not sit here and keep hating him. yes, i used to be in love with him, and now i'm not. yes, i used to hate him, but now i don;t. yes, we used to be in a relationship but werent really friends, and now, we are learning what true friendship is. the kind of lasting friendship he has with amy, that's what we;'re working towards. not marriage, not sex, not nothing like that, and like i said, he has a beautiful, hot girl for a girlfriend now...and we are not being trifling and messing around on the side (again, this is an old post, Marquay is now 100 per single, just like me...the young lady is still a hot girl and for you nosey ones they are still good friends. lol, i can just imagine the look on some of yals faces right now...dont worry, i'll expand more on all this verrryyy soon). that is my homie. if you cant stand it then get out the kitchen homeboy...cause we're cooking up something goooooood, cause we're doing it in God's name, not mine, not quays.

well. lol. this has been fun. today imma put in work on the blog. i'll let yall know when it launches (toooooodaaaay June 4th :).

have a great hump day. hasta la vista....baby.

p.s. your keyword for today...:::::FORGIVE::::::....

sincerely,
carlin